Sunday, January 31, 2010

Brett Favre

I'm not above stealing other people's jokes and ideas to fuel my blog. Certain items need to be repeated (like Henny Youngman jokes) in order to keep the world safe from Facism. Take my wife, please.

Or "When I was a kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually." Good stuff.

That's why I don't feel bad about bringing up the old and oft-repeated "Why is 'Favre' pronounced 'Farve'?" debate. Is it just because Fahv-rah is too hard to say? Or is it that the dude doesn't want to sound like he's French, and therefore susceptible to becoming a mime at some point? "French" and "Viking" just don't go together. It's like mixing "Cinnabon" and "Brussels sprouts" -- it simply can't be done.

Anyway, the reason I bring up Mr. Fahv-rah is not because of his embarrasing cover of the classic song "Pants on the Ground", nor his performance in the NFC Championship game. I mention him because of a comment that was made at the swimming pool on Friday.

As I was leaving the pool after practice, my friend Tom called out my name. Tom is in his eighties, and is one of those dependable guys who shows up like clockwork to get in his water walking practice after our team vacates the pool at 7am. I've never really understood the appeal of using a flotation belt to walk in deep water -- after all, you don't really GO anywhere...but he seems to enjoy it, and it's way better than sitting at home watching infomercials. Anyway, Tom caught my attention, and told me he had watched football over the past weekend.

"I was looking at Brett Favre," he said, "and I thought -- he reminds me of someone. I thought about it a bit, and realized that he reminded me of you, Terry. Do people often tell you they think you look like Brett Favre?"

No, I can honestly say that no one has ever compared me to a professional football player before. Oh, I've been mistaken for celebrities before, but only ones like Roger Ebert and Rosie O'Donnell. Or maybe on a good hair day, Hugh Beaumont. But never Favre.

So what celebrity do you think YOU resemble? Back when I had my mustache and poofy hair, I always considered myself rather Selleck-like, but with my shorter hair and clean face, I'm thinking that Jason Statham is my more likely doppleganger.

Which one of these fellows do you think I resemble most? And if you think you're a ringer for a famous person, please let me know. Maybe I'll post the best responses here. Anyway, here are the photos for you to consider for this informal poll. Enjoy the comparisons, and have a great day!

Brett Favre Jason Statham Lorenzo Lamas Paul Reubens Donald Gibb (aka Ogre)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Big Bucks



I know that my public image is one of a hard-rockin' party animal, living life surrounded by screaming guitars, lasers bouncing off disco balls, and mornings spent listening to bass drum echos as my ears slowly recover from mega-decibel sandblasting. And while it's true that I did once attend three Blue Öyster Cult concerts in three days, traveling over 1200 miles to do so, there is another side to my musical personality.

My most memorable BÖC-related experiences include being mistaken for a drug dealer at a show in Kansas City (where no less than a dozen whacked-out stoners asked me to fix them up), being pulled over on my motorcycle from the crime of having the BÖC symbol (upside-down question mark thingy) applied in reflective tape on the back of my helmet, and standing in the very front row at a gig where I was close enough to see Eric Bloom's bloodshot eyes behind his mysterious sunglasses. (I couldn't hear anything for a full week after that one.)

But long before I became a slave to Buck Dharma's brain-melting reaper rock, I was influenced by another great American Buck -- Buck Owens. As a youth, I watched Hee Haw religiously, and could never get enough of "Pickin' and Grinnin'". In fact, I probably owe much of my quick wit and dynamite sense of humor to those laugh-filled mixtures of classic jokes and flaming hot banjo.

So it was a real treat yesterday when I was driving to work and heard Rick Crandall play a Buck Owens song on the Breakfast Club radio show on KEZW. I was tapping my toes with the beat and singing loud enough to frighten the roadside prairie dogs, and thoroughly enjoyed a pre-work trip down the cornrows of memory lane. The problem was, I couldn't get the dang song out of my head the entire day. I even heard it playing in my head as the soundtrack for the video I was editing, and trust me; Buck Owens music and spacecraft parts tests make strange bedfellows, indeed.

But I'm not the type of fellow who hoards his pleasures. I'll take this opportunity to share the song with you as well. Enjoy it, my friends, and have a great day!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Census

The 2010 census is underway. It's time to be cataloged and categorized so that the money you pay in taxes can be redistributed to whatever group happens to be in favor in Washington when it comes time to hand out the allotments. (Hint: I strongly doubt that I belong to any of the favored groups. Curse my homogenous bland ancestry and unfortunate history of continuous employment!) The census is a massive undertaking, but with today's connectivity infrastructure, I suspect they'll be quite successful in counting everyone. (Well, except the folks in the Witness Protection Program, gamma-ray irradiated drifters, and clandestine visitors from the planet Skyron.)

Past censuses (censii?) have been quite helpful for those of us doing genealogy research, and I suppose it is good to know how many folks are populating the country. We need to have a number to teach to grade school kids and to list on maps and Wikipedia pages. But the main thought I have when census time approaches is that it's also time to start filling out the @#$%! tax forms.

It also reminds me that nearly an entire month of the new year has passed already, which means that it's time to review how the New Years Resolutions are doing. Hmmm.

Well, I'm sorry to report that my Yoga program is not going well. It's hard to pretzelize yourself when you're suffering from a head cold. And even though my illness caused me to skip some of my regular weightlifting sessions, I'm still struggling with general tightness caused by having these massive, bulging muscles. Stretching and doing animal-shaped poses is simply not easy for guys like myself and Lou Ferrigno. I'm not giving up by any means, but I had certainly hoped to be more limber by the time February rolled around.

Can I use my head cold as an excuse for not taking out the recycling until the bin overflowed, too? Yes, I believe I can. Housekeeping during an illness consists of little more than spraying Lysol around and disposing of the empty Nyquil bottles. (Which happen to also add to the recycling bin overflow, darn it.)

Anyway, I could probably use some help to stay focused on my commitment to loosen up. So if you see me looking tense and tight and musclebound and stuff, please remind me to drop to the mat and run through a few key asanas, OK? As always, thank you for your support, and have a great day!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Swine Cold

I'm not using the word "swine" in the "swine flu" sense, in that I don't believe my recent infirmity has any relationship to pork-related virus infections. I'm using it in the sense that Inspector Clouseau uses it...to connote disgust and animosity toward the subject. And actually, I suppose the word "cold" could have multiple meanings, being Winter and all. But I'm talking about the kind of cold that makes a person sniffle, cough, and lie in bed cursing the irresponsible jerk who didn't use hand sanitizer before exposing me to these nasty germs.

Or maybe I'm making assumptions. Who knows if it was an unsanitary contact culprit -- could've come from some nefarious plot to impurify our precious bodily fluids by contaminating the water supply. Whatever the cause, though, my productivity has been severely curtailed over the last few weeks due to my battle with this swine disease.

I'm better now. Not 100%, but better. And therefore, I intend to return to regular postings on these pages. Unfortunately, I have to go to the office early today to edit an overdue video and then prepare to document a piece of hardware for an upcoming review. Fun stuff, and possible fodder for future discussions...but for now, I'll simply leave you with a philosophical question to ponder. Perhaps we can discuss the cause & effect relationships in more detail in the future, but for now I'll simply state the question:

Why aren't there any kids with "CL" names anymore? A few decades ago, America was ripe with Clydes, Cletuses, Clarences, Clements and Claytons. Nowadays, everybody is Jason, Josh, or Jonah. I do know a fine fellow named Cliff, but otherwise, there just aren't too many of those classics about. Is this some sort of progression that will repeat itself over the eons? Will we soon exit the "J" phase and be inundated with Ms? Are we soon to be overrun with Miltons, Mervins, Melvins, and Martins? Or will it be Sheldons, Shermans, Sherlocks, and Shemps?

Let me know if you have the answers. And have a great day!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Minor Repairs

One more observation about Yoga -- it's really hard to learn how to do it from watching TV: Most of the poses have your head facing somewhere other than at the screen -- so until you know what they're talking about, you can't do the stuff and watch at the same time.

I suppose the same problem could exist in learning almost any physical movement, but it's particularly annoying when they're using terms you don't know. "Assume the 'disgruntled monk' pose and then gently sweep toward 'incontinent grasshopper'. End in the restful 'praying lemur'. What???

I'll get it. Eventually. But so far my most frequent pose seems to be "crumpled klutz". (Good thing I moved the furniture out of the way, eh?)

Regardless of my struggles with yesterday's exercise, though, I did accomplish a couple of important things. For the first, I decided to leave work early to take my car in to get my burnt-out headlight replaced. While I am perfectly capable of replacing a light bulb in the kitchen or bathroom, I had given up on car headlights after spending a couple of frustrating hours once trying to figure out how to even access the bulb inside its magically-sealed compartment. So I took the car to WalMart's automotive center. And while I'm there, I thought, why not get my oil changed as well?

I dropped off my keys at the Auto desk, and then spent the next hour walking brisk laps around the store as I waited for the technicians to finish. I am not much of a shopper, so usually when I go to a store I try to make the trip as precise as possible; go directly to the aisle I need, pick up the required item, and boogie for the self-checkout. But with nothing to buy, I was able to really absorb the atmosphere of the place, and do plenty of people-watching.

The first thing I noticed was that some shoppers are indeed very focused, very intense. They know what they want and they are on a laser-beam path to collect and scoot. Others seems to be entranced by each display, and spend their time in an almost-meditative trance as they lovingly caress each and every decorative wicker basket, surge protector, or box of rat poison. Some become so worn out by their shopping ordeal that they have to sit and rest for a while. (I had never before noticed that the store had park benches for just such a purpose. And they're probably beefier benches that you'd find in an outdoor park, because my observations would suggest that your average WalMart patron tends toward Shamu-ish proportions.)

One scruffy fellow wore the trenchcoat and demented look of a perv or stalker, and seemed to be inordinately interested in the chicken breasts. But I finally figured out that rather than being a stalker, he was indeed a stocker, and was counting the packages for inventory purposes. He eventually went into the back and came out with a cartful of fresh products to stack in the refrigerated bin. I guess the trenchcoat was to keep him comfy when he was back in the freezer.

Still, dude, that Don Johnson/George Michael stubble thing went out of style a decade ago. And there's also this marvelous new invention you might want to try -- it's called a "comb"...

Then there was the kid who let out random shrieks every fifteen seconds or so. I never actually saw where the child was, so I was unable to tell if these ear-piercing outbursts were the results of some unfortunate genetic defect (ie, Tourette's or something), or merely the outcome of egregiously poor parenting and lack of discipline. Nor could I tell if the bored and listless looks worn by the department clerks were the result of being shagged out near the end of a rough shift, or merely the default expression of honest-to-goodness boring and listless people.

Anyway, after about a hundred laps around the store, my car was finished. I paid the bill and went out into the snow to head home. I thought I ought to check the headlight first, just to be sure. And whaddaya know? It didn't work. Apparently, the idea of checking the repair to verify its success did not occur to the technician who did the job.

He was a pleasant fellow, though, and cheerfully followed me out to the parking lot to troubleshoot the repair. After a few minutes of investigation, he concluded that there were actually TWO separate bulbs in the headlight assembly, and he had replaced the wrong one. (I'll confess that I was also surprised by this -- I assumed that it was a two-filament single bulb. But then again, I'm not the one who is being paid to know about such stuff.) I'll give him credit for having a sense of humor about it though...he actually said "Well, that's what you get for doing your automotive repairs at WalMart."

The good news is that I was able to watch the process, and now know how to release the mystical casing that houses the headlight bulbs. So if I ever have another light burn out, I should be able to do the repair myself. The other good news is that the falling snow was beautiful, and I enjoyed watching it waft down onto the car as the dude burrowed around under the hood. The bottom line is that I did get the repair done for a cheap price, and was able to enjoy a relaxing and contemplative afternoon. I went home in a good mood.

I'll talk about my other recent "repair" experience in an upcoming post. In the meantime, I'd recomment that you take some time out of your next shopping trip to watch the people...and take some time to watch the flakes fall the next time you're out in a snowstorm. It's good to occasionally take a break from being focused on the task at hand, isn't it? Sometimes, just watching what's going on around you is a pretty good way to have a great day! More later, my friends.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

OK, it's January now

Well, so much for my plans to create multiple entries about 2009 and all its activities. It's too late; I've already forgotten all about that year.

I was also going to do an essay on New Years resolutions, but some of them (like the one about blogging every day) have already been blown to smithereens...so maybe we should skip that topic, as well.

Or not. Here are a few things on my to-do list for 2010:
  • Avoid sushi
  • Talk like a pirate more often
  • Go shopping for discounted Reese's eggs the day after Easter
  • Try to get the phrase "I am not Herbert" back into the popular lexicon
  • Get tickets to the final game of the World Series, and enjoy the Rockies' dominant victory performance
  • Do more yoga
I actually checked out "Yoga for Dummies", and have been reading it. Did you know that a male practitioner is called a "yogi"? Seriously. I thought that was just a name for larcenous bears and Hall of Fame catchers. And though I like the word (partly because it reminds me of "Yoda"), I'm not sure I'd ever want to be called that. Of course, it's better than the word for a female practionioner: "yogini". Sounds like some sort of pasta dish made from cultured dairy products. What's wrong with "yogette"?

Anyway, that's all I have to say for today. Right now, I be walking down the gangplank to go to swim practice. So have yersalf a grreat day, now, me hearties. Yarrr.