Not the Hell Your Whales

Does the Prime Directive apply to messing with the civilization on Earth?

I believe we all know that the answer is "The Prime Directive is sort of a moral guideline, not to be taken too seriously...especially if a Star Ship Captain feels he has a good reason to violate it." It's rather like the pesky US Constitution and federal law when those conflict with what the President wants to do via executive order.

OK, perhaps that's not a good comparison, since Star Ship Captains have a MUCH higher standard of personal morality than Presidents do. But still, the point is that we would all agree that if you have to go back in time to prevent the Borg from assimilating humanity, or if you have to seduce Joan Collins and then push her in front of a truck to keep Hitler from winning WWII...well, it's probably worth doing.

What got me thinking about that, you ask? Well--after reading my post about Johnny Sokko, someone asked me what other TV shows had made an impact on my life. This of course prompted an entire oil gusher of philosophical exposition, since talking about TV is one of my passions. I won't subject you to the entire discussion (at least not right now), but I will share some of the key points...as well as the questions that the thought process generated.

Captain Kangaroo was probably the first show that molded me, forever making me laugh at cascading ping pong balls and get creeped out by anthropomorphic grandfather clocks. Major Astro taught me that space travel was intriguing, and that science was cool...especially in cartoon form. Superman taught me never to get involved with female reporters, and to always leave the window open in the storage closet. Sea Hunt taught me to always carry a hose-cutting knife when scuba diving, and Bonanza taught me that owning millions of acres of prime agricultural real estate gives you the right to beat people up without consequences. Rocky and Bullwinkle guided me to my current relationship with religion, and Underdog taught me the value of having a great theme song.

Though Major Astro provided my first solid exposure to science and science fiction, I must also reluctantly give credit to Irwin Allen. Because my parents regarded the Twilight Zone and Outer Limits as too scary and potentially damaging to the psyche of fragile youth, the only other sci-fi I got to watch were things like Land of the Giants, Voyage to See What's on the Bottom, and The Time Tunnel. (Allen was also responsible for Lost in Space, but thankfully Star Trek removed the need to ever watch that piece of crap.) In retrospect, Allen's shows are universally terrible...but at least they dealt with something other than cops n' robbers or cowboys n' injuns. Anyway, thinking about The Time Tunnel got me reminiscing about the Star Trek episode where the Enterprise went back in time. And those thoughts raised some interesting questions about the application of the Prime Directive.

I’m sure there have been college papers written on these topics, but I’m not going to bother researching academia; as usual, I’ll just offer my opinion unsupported by anything other than my flawless application of Vulcan logic.



Gary Seven. Though the Enterprise definitely interfered in an immature (pre-YouTube) civilization, it’s pretty obvious they didn’t violate the Prime Directive on this one. Any actual impact on Earth culture was instigated by Mr. Seven…and he’d have done the same stuff if the Enterprise hadn’t appeared. The jet pilot raised his family, the security guards continued to patrol the launch complex, and Teri Garr ended up with a boyfriend in exactly the same way as it would’ve happened without the actions of James Tiberius Kirk, et al.



Save the Whales. Swiping a couple of humpbacks didn’t change much either, so the extra US Navy logbook entry about attempted sabotage on the nooklar wessels would certainly be overlooked in the grand history of the planet. (And transparent aluminum was invented by the guy who invented transparent aluminum, obviously.) Edith Keeler fulfilled her destiny as a street pancake, too, so Mr. Hitler and company were eventually met by guys who had not been converted into worthless bleeding-heart pacifist hippies. (And no, I am not going to get into the discussion of whether Obama is Ms. Keeler's modern-day protege.)

But here’s where those thoughts led me: Why couldn’t Kirk use the sun-plunge acceleration technique to go back once more to beam Edith out of the way of the truck right before she got splattered? Bones and Scotty could substitute something meaty from the food synthesizers; slap a dress on it and nobody would ever know. (No DNA tests in the 1930s, so roadkill is simply roadkill.) That way, Kirk could have a steady girlfriend on board the Enterprise, therefore allowing the entire female half of the crew to focus on their Star Fleet duties without fantasizing about the fact that the randy Captain’s Facebook page listed him as single.

Yeah, yeah, I know--a time travel side journey for personal romance is probably frowned upon by Star Fleet management. But not for the reasons we might think. People of our time would view the trip as a colossal waste of resources – we’d see it in terms of fuel costs and crew paychecks. But energy doesn’t seem to be a major problem for those who have tamed matter/antimatter reactions, and the crew is paid to explore strange new worlds…so visiting a time of stone knives and bearskins would be well within the job description. Why not take a day to retrieve a gal who would make the boss happy…which would in turn improve the morale of the entire ship?

The only drawback would be if she insisted on preaching her crazy notions of pacifism and do-gooderism on board the Enterprise. If she convinced the crew that they should all become Romulan-huggers, well…the consequences could be dire. The next thing you’d know, the galaxy would be overrun by rampaging Klingons, Mugatus, and Gorns. Oh my.

But that does raise the intriguing idea of going back in time to snatch doomed personnel so they can contribute to the future. Fred Saberhagen explored the idea in his book “After the Fact”, but what if we extended the idea into other arenas? Dr. McCoy could fix Houdini’s appendix and then put him to use designing next-generation Corbomite Maneuvers. Grab John Lennon to entertain the crew and save them from being subjected to Spock’s crappy lute ballads. And Bruce Lee could teach Kirk how to do better karate chops.

Well, OK, nobody can do better neck chops than Kirk. But you get the idea. Look at the past as a personnel resource, and you could definitely improve the quality of your crew. If nothing else, historical figures who died young would be delighted to be redshirts, even if they only got to live a few more days.

Anyway, let’s close this discussion with the top ten ideas for JJ Abrams to consider for the rebooted Star Trek universe:

• Nomad meets V’ger (and this time, it’s personal)
• Space Hippies Meet Landrew
• Trelane at the OK Corral
• The Galileo 7 meets the Jupiter 7
• Quinto-Triticale (get it?)
• Yangs and Komes vs. the Ekos/Zeon Alliance
• Scalosians vs Talosians
• Who Mourns for Our Donuts?
• Music Smackdown: Kirock (n' Roll) vs. the Rap of Khan
• Short Circuit 6: M5 is Alive!

Have a great day!