You Missed the Point

Thanks for all the cards, letters and phone calls about the boredom blog. Apparently I struck a chord among the readership. Here's a brief summary of the comments I received:

• Everybody is too busy these days. Even though we thought it was horrible at the time, many of my generation long for the idle days of youth, and would cherish a few days of boredom as much as they would cherish a chest full of Spanish doubloons or a date with Heather Locklear.


• Kids today simply don't get bored. They can't. For my generation, a rainy day with only 3 TV stations meant that during soap opera hours, our only remaining entertainment option was GI Joe...and we had to impose strict limits on that sort of activity due to the universally-accepted "playing with dolls turns you gay" factor.
  
  Today, with computer games, YouTube, iPods, Druid phones and whatnot, there is no end to the options available to insulate our youth from boredom. Of course, since they don't go outside, they're likely to suffer from vitamin D deficiency and will all grow up to look like Bill Gates...but that's a completely different topic.


• Some of us do indeed have dull jobs. But they're still not boring—because of the sheer weight of the workload. Each individual task may be dull, but it's like water -- a single drop is bland and boring, but you're not going to fall asleep at the bottom of Niagara Falls.


• Obama's birth certificate was Photoshopped.


• Chicks are apparently quite happy with Britain's shiny new Princess and the storybook romance they can read about in the Enquirer. Dudes couldn't care less.

Thank you all for your feedback. But while I will not dispute the obvious truth of the observations you made, the sad fact is that YOU COMPLETELY MISSED THE POINT!

Killer rabbits, people! Killer freakin' rabbits!

The comments should have been things like: "How did they get so big? And what's next? After all, Roseanne Barr has been seen in Snickers commercials...can the apocalypse be far behind? Shouldn't our legislators be passing more restrictions on nuclear power to prevent future rodent mutations? And how did those big bunnies eat all those people when their teeth were evolved to be strictly herbivorous? And did anyone who appeared in that movie ever get another job?

And that, my dear friends, brings us to our trivia question for the day. It neatly ties together the point about crossing the GI Joe play line with the threat of mutated hares: What does the movie "Night of the Lepus" have in common with the Rock Band "Twisted Sister"? If you find yourself on the threshold of boredom, you can chew on that one for a while.

Good luck, my friends. I'll post the answer tomorrow. In the meantime, get out and DO something fun, and have a great day!

Boredom

When was the last time you were bored?

I'm talking about the kind of bored where you say things like "I wish I had something to do," or "my life is so dull that I feel like a Kansan." The kind of bored where you kinda wish some giant carnivorous rabbits would run madly across your property, just to give you something to do.



Or sure, I get bored during meetings at work, when the bean counters start talking about collecting additional metrics, or when the less intellectually gifted people start arguing about stuff that doesn't matter. I suppose everyone has to put up with a certain amount of that stuff. But I'm talking about the kind of boredom where you fire up the vacuum cleaner (even though the house is already clean)..just because you don't have anything better to do. Or you do something completely ridiculous, like pay money to see a Natalie Portman movie, or go Starbucks.

There was a time when I would start scratching my head around noon on Friday, asking myself what I was going to do to fill the long vacant hours of the weekend. That hasn't happened in years. Now the questions I ask myself are "How am I going to find time to do everything I need to do?" and "What is the minimum sleep I can tolerate without complete system collapse?"

I wish they'd hurry up and invent robot housekeepers like they had on "The Jetsons". I need someone to take care of all the routine stuff like housekeeping, laundry, cooking, burning the mail, and flossing. I suppose I could hire a human to do those things, but that would cost money and make me look like a rich person...which would mean that I'd have to pay more taxes, and would become even more broke (and more unlikely to ever reach retirement than I am now.)

So, for now, I remain securely isolated from any possibility of boredom. I shall continue to long for the days when I begged my friends for activity ideas with which to fill the weekends...and instead will work long hours at the office, snarf down fast food on my frantic way from one obligation to the next, and cram too many pairs of pants in the wash because I don't have time to finish an additional load. Oh well.

Have a great day, my friends. And if you know of any good discounts on robot servants, please let me know. Thanks!

Nine

The handsome and charming fellow on the left is the inimitable Tor Johnson, former pro wrestler turned actor. Though he never won an Academy Award, he always dominates any other actors who share the screen with him. He is included here thanks to his role in the cinema classic "Plan Nine From Outer Space".

To Tor's right is Jeri Ryan, who played the character Seven of Nine on Star Trek – Voyager. She was an expatriot Borg, which means she went from saying things like "Resistance is few-tile" to eventually understanding human emotions and making out with various members of the crew. Many years after Captain Kirk invented the technique, it's good to know that Star Fleet still endorses kissing as an effective way to combat hive minds and computers when karate chops prove ineffective.

The two fellows in the next frame are Matthew Perry and Michael Clarke Duncan in their roles as "Oz" and "Frankie Figs" in "The Whole Nine Yards". Though it may appear in this particular still that they are about to try the aforementioned making out technique, that's just an illusion. The movie is actually about ruthless mob hit men, romantic intrigue, and cosmetic dentistry. Despite having Matthew Perry, Rosanna Arquette, and Harland Williams, it's actually a pretty entertaining movie.

And our final number nine is the Yankee uniform number of Mr. Roger Maris, baseball legend. He's still the only guy to out-homer The Babe without using steroids. During his career, he was overshadowed by his flashy and charismatic teammate Mickey Mantle, but will always be remembered for hitting 61 dingers in 1961. There are those who think his record should be annotated because it took him more games than it took the Bambino, and because he sported an embarrassingly dorky flat-top haircut. But I saw we leave the haircut jeers for Brian Bosworth and give Maris full credit for his prodigious accomplishments. Plus, he seemed like a pretty decent guy.

Oh, and the obscure reference to Yoko Ono was because she participated in the recording of "Revolution #9", which Beatles fans regard as a groundbreaking experiment in musical artistry. The rest of us consider it an indicator of John's assimilation by the Borg, but...whatever.

In any case, thanks for playing. I hope to return with a few blogs about my running rehab over the next week or so. Stay tuned, and have a great day!

More Dain Bramage

OK, since I seem to be unable to find time to write my normal in-depth political analysis discussions and educational pieces about quantum physics and its role in major league sports, I shall briefly return to a reliance on obscure and possibly annoying trivia questions and brain teasers.

Today's challenge: What do the following images have in common?


(Hint: I almost included a picture of Yoko Ono, but finally concluded that Tor Johnson was monstrous enough.)

I'll provide the answer tomorrow, along with an update on my recovery from shin splints. Have a great day!

Is it Spring Yet?

I'm pretty sure all the recent windy weather is a direct result of the Global Warming caused by all the hydrocarbons that were burned in delivering Gummi Bears to the USA from Sweden (or Germany or whatever Commie dictatorship they come from). Therefore, I am urging my Congressional Representatives to immediately pass a law banning the consumption of sweets. Come to think of it, imagine how much foreign oil must be used to power dentists' drills -- Dudes, we MUST ban candy now!

I know what you're thinking: "Here we go again...another foaming-at-the-mouth rant about how we need to expand the powers of government and rigorously regulate anything that gives people pleasure" — but you would be wrong. My intention today is not to provide yet another diatribe about how science and economics so clearly belong in the hands of politicians rather than in the laboratory or the marketplace, but to instead deliver a straight news report on what's been going on in my life for the past couple of weeks.

First, an update on my shin splints. I'm still refraining from running, still icing, compressing, and elevating the darn thing. (Or is it "things"? I'm not sure if "shin splints" is a singular ailment, or if the pain is indeed caused by a collection of problems. And while we're on that topic, the dictionary defines "splint" as something designed to support a bone...not disable it, so the name seems somewhat inappropriate in any case. They should probably call it "shin stabbing pains that have no visible manifestation, but still cause grown men to wear knee socks and watch TV with a bag of frozen lima beans strapped to their lower leg.") But despite my strict adherence to medical protocol, my right leg is still complaining on occasion. I'm hoping it'll be completely pain free by this weekend. I'm not sure what I'll do if it's not. Until I can walk with no pain, though...there will be no running.

Can't complain about swimming, though. That's going reasonably well. And the tweeting of the birds, budding of the bushes, and pinging of bats on baseballs reminds me that opening day for the lake swimming season is mere weeks away. Despite the winds (and other occasional reminders of Nature's Wrath), there have been sporadic conditions designed to inspire meteorological optimism.

As I get older, I am becoming more and more a fan of sunshine. Not for its tanning powers, no...for I am 100% committed to a lifetime of albino-like devotion to slathering myself in sunscreen. Two skin cancer surgeries is quite enough, thank you, and I desire no further encounters with the colleagues of Dr. Phibes. No, I am beginning to appreciate sunshine for the warmth it provides, and for the greenery it inspires at this time of year.

I used to think that I'd be happy living on Hoth (or Greenland, or at Macmurdo Station, etc), since I have always appreciated the stark beauty of snow-covered landscapes. Anyone who has visited my home knows that my interior design scheme features naught but pure white walls, and uninterrupted vistas of bland colorlessness. In fact, some have described my personality in much the same terms...so it may come as a shock that I am now endorsing the return of warmth and vegetation to our latitudes.

Must be old age setting in. As my arteries clog and the bloodflow diminishes, I find myself craving external sources of warmth. Some have suggested that I procure a few dozen fluffy cats to provide extra snuggling on chilly nights, but while I have considered the idea, I am forced to conclude that my tiny condo doesn't have the proper airflow to handle multiple litter boxes. Electric blankets do provide heat, but I'm afraid that the accompanying magentic fields have the potential for causing mutations, and Lord knows I have enough problems with my social life as it is. No, I'm afraid the answer is that I just need the weather to provide the warmth. So, welcome back to Colorado, Mr. Sunshine! It would be nice if you could leave the cancer rays and the @#!$ wind behind, but hey...we appreciate your efforts to bump up the temperatures.

Stay tuned for upcoming blogs about my adventures outdoors! (Oh wait, I forgot that I work all the time and hardly venture outside on weekends, or in the daylight, or any time normal people are out and about. But perhaps I can use my imagination, and entertain you with tales of things I would do if I won the lotto. Yeah, that's it; I'll make stuff up. At least I'll try.) In the meantime, enjoy the abundance of energy that accompanies the season, and have a great day!