Is it Spring Yet?

I'm pretty sure all the recent windy weather is a direct result of the Global Warming caused by all the hydrocarbons that were burned in delivering Gummi Bears to the USA from Sweden (or Germany or whatever Commie dictatorship they come from). Therefore, I am urging my Congressional Representatives to immediately pass a law banning the consumption of sweets. Come to think of it, imagine how much foreign oil must be used to power dentists' drills -- Dudes, we MUST ban candy now!

I know what you're thinking: "Here we go again...another foaming-at-the-mouth rant about how we need to expand the powers of government and rigorously regulate anything that gives people pleasure" — but you would be wrong. My intention today is not to provide yet another diatribe about how science and economics so clearly belong in the hands of politicians rather than in the laboratory or the marketplace, but to instead deliver a straight news report on what's been going on in my life for the past couple of weeks.

First, an update on my shin splints. I'm still refraining from running, still icing, compressing, and elevating the darn thing. (Or is it "things"? I'm not sure if "shin splints" is a singular ailment, or if the pain is indeed caused by a collection of problems. And while we're on that topic, the dictionary defines "splint" as something designed to support a bone...not disable it, so the name seems somewhat inappropriate in any case. They should probably call it "shin stabbing pains that have no visible manifestation, but still cause grown men to wear knee socks and watch TV with a bag of frozen lima beans strapped to their lower leg.") But despite my strict adherence to medical protocol, my right leg is still complaining on occasion. I'm hoping it'll be completely pain free by this weekend. I'm not sure what I'll do if it's not. Until I can walk with no pain, though...there will be no running.

Can't complain about swimming, though. That's going reasonably well. And the tweeting of the birds, budding of the bushes, and pinging of bats on baseballs reminds me that opening day for the lake swimming season is mere weeks away. Despite the winds (and other occasional reminders of Nature's Wrath), there have been sporadic conditions designed to inspire meteorological optimism.

As I get older, I am becoming more and more a fan of sunshine. Not for its tanning powers, no...for I am 100% committed to a lifetime of albino-like devotion to slathering myself in sunscreen. Two skin cancer surgeries is quite enough, thank you, and I desire no further encounters with the colleagues of Dr. Phibes. No, I am beginning to appreciate sunshine for the warmth it provides, and for the greenery it inspires at this time of year.

I used to think that I'd be happy living on Hoth (or Greenland, or at Macmurdo Station, etc), since I have always appreciated the stark beauty of snow-covered landscapes. Anyone who has visited my home knows that my interior design scheme features naught but pure white walls, and uninterrupted vistas of bland colorlessness. In fact, some have described my personality in much the same terms...so it may come as a shock that I am now endorsing the return of warmth and vegetation to our latitudes.

Must be old age setting in. As my arteries clog and the bloodflow diminishes, I find myself craving external sources of warmth. Some have suggested that I procure a few dozen fluffy cats to provide extra snuggling on chilly nights, but while I have considered the idea, I am forced to conclude that my tiny condo doesn't have the proper airflow to handle multiple litter boxes. Electric blankets do provide heat, but I'm afraid that the accompanying magentic fields have the potential for causing mutations, and Lord knows I have enough problems with my social life as it is. No, I'm afraid the answer is that I just need the weather to provide the warmth. So, welcome back to Colorado, Mr. Sunshine! It would be nice if you could leave the cancer rays and the @#!$ wind behind, but hey...we appreciate your efforts to bump up the temperatures.

Stay tuned for upcoming blogs about my adventures outdoors! (Oh wait, I forgot that I work all the time and hardly venture outside on weekends, or in the daylight, or any time normal people are out and about. But perhaps I can use my imagination, and entertain you with tales of things I would do if I won the lotto. Yeah, that's it; I'll make stuff up. At least I'll try.) In the meantime, enjoy the abundance of energy that accompanies the season, and have a great day!