Merry Christmas!

As I write this, Santa's elves are probably starting to load the Slinkys onto the sleigh, and piling up pasta so the reindeer can do their carbo-loading.

The Fat Man himself is probably going over the list with a red pen to slash through the names of anybody who has put a girl's pigtails in an inkwell or thrown four interceptions in a single game, etc. I'm sure there are lumps of coal allocated for anyone who's middle name is either "Jong" or "Hussein," and for the Fox31 programming pinhead who thought "Wheel of Fortune" would be an adequate replacement for "The Simpsons."

Have I been a good boy this year? Which side of the naughty/nice ledger do you think contains MY name? Will Santa bring me what I want...or will the airwaves continue to be dominated by reality TV shows? I don't know.

Overall, though, I would have to say that I can't think of any specific instances of evil behavior on my part. Other than designing a few swim practices that some might have considered cruel -- well, I've been pretty much on the side of truth, justice, and the American way. I have bathed regularly, used my turn signals for every change of direction, and have donated tons of money to wilderness preservation though my shrewd investment in non-winning lottery tickets.

It's not quite time for my "Year in Review" blog, so I'll keep this post focused on the Joys of Christmas. My problem this year stems from my association with too many generous people. I keep being subjected to culinary temptations such as cookies, fudge, and ice cream. Resistance appears to be futile, which has caused my BMI-calculating bathroom scales to classify me as a "Sumo."

Speaking of cookies, I find the photo above to be somewhat troubling. (As always, you click to embiggen.) Don't you find something odd about the idea of baking cookies in the shape of other foods? Why make a cookie shaped as a cupcake? Cupcakes are a perfectly acceptable form of confectionary in their own right. It's weird.

And speaking of weird things, I suppose I could do a standard "year in review" holiday letter, complete with vacation roundups, pictures of pets (if I had any), and a summary of my kid's school and job status. But for some reason, I have no urge to inflict such punishment upon you. I may still bore you with the story of the ordeal caused by my vacuum cleaner's recent demise, or photos from my company's recent Christmas party...or not. I will, though, provide product reviews on all the new toys I bought myself for Christmas. There will also be commentary on the lifeguard training I'll be taking during New Year's week. Fun stuff ahead, for sure!

In the meantime, I want to wish you all an excellent Festivus, and share my hopes that you'll be able to enjoy the holidays with your loved ones and your G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu grip, etc.

Enjoy!

Certifiable

I passed my test!

I am now officially a Certified Personal Trainer, as sanctioned by the National Academy of Sports Medicine.

This means that if you happen to ask me what exercise you should do to build up your gastrocnemius or flavius maximus, well, you'll end up getting an invoice for $40. You're welcome.

Seriously, I do think that studying for the exam has increased my value as a swim coach. It certainly improved my knowledge of musculature and its impact on posture. The course was NOT easy--most of the material was new to me, and my ability to absorb academic material for test regurgitation has seriously atrophied since my days as a straight-A college student.

(Well, OK, I didn't actually have a 4.0 GPA in college...but at least I got better grades than my roommate. Ha! -- I'm great and he sucks. Oh sure, he may be rich and have a beautiful wife and a large automobile, but I'm pretty sure that when it's Judgment Day at the Pearly Gates, college GPA will be the prime consideration for entry.)

The good news is that the time I was using to study can now be allocated to other things. Perhaps I'll actually get back into regular blogularity, or perhaps I'll started on my next book. Or maybe I'll just buy "The Complete Beverly Hillbillies" DVD collection for Christmas and put my newly exercised synapses to work in memorizing all of Jed's wit and wisdom. Then perhaps I'll be qualified to sit down with my son and have a long talk with that boy.

For now, though, I think I deserve a good long nap. Thanks for stopping by, and have a great day!

I'm a Pepper, You're a Pepper...

Golly. I forgot all about the little "comparisons" quiz I had posted a few blogs back. I know it's been a while, and I know that a person of my advanced age is expected to be mostly senile...but I still think we should discuss the answers.

The idea was to examine pairs who may seem to have similarities, but in reality, one of the two is vastly superior. For example, if we compared T.J. Hooker and James T. Kirk...well, they both look alike (sorta), but Kirk would deliver all kinds of whuppin' upside Hooker's head should they ever meet. Oh sure, TJ had Heather Locklear as a sidekick, and it could definitely be argued that she's more appealing than, say, Majel Barrett...but one dude drives a black n' white, while the other commands a freakin' starship!

Well, OK, Kirk DID have his adventures with a black n' white, but we are definitely not talking Adam 12 here.

(Hmm, I should've included Adam 12 vs. Adam Cartwright. Or speaking of Cartwrights, perhaps Briggita Von Trapp vs. Penny Robinson.)

Anyway, here are the correct answers. I hope you did well.

1. Dr. Pepper vs. Mr. Pibb

I like Mr. Pibb well enough, but it definitely isn't as highly educated as the good doctor. Pepper wins this one.

2. Blue Oyster Cult vs. U2

BOC is awesome, and U2 sucks; quite possibly the worst band ever. But everybody knows that -- I just threw this one in as comic relief.

3. Sonny Bono vs. any other Bono

Sonny was a funny guy, and a great songwriter. He wins this category easily.

4. Kirk vs. Picard

Hmm, this one is a toughie. They both epitomize everything that is good, and admirable, and heroic about humanity -- and are pretty obviously the role models after which my life is fashioned. (WWTCD = What would the Captain do?) Picard has the better voice, Kirk has the superior karate, Picard is more thoughtful, but Kirk gets more babes. Neither one can be disqualified for any reason, so I'll give you points for either answer.

But I go with Kirk, you know...because of the babes.

5. Fred Rutherford vs. Mel Cooley

Again, both are great -- and these two are not the only fabulous characters that Richard Deacon created. Again, no deductions for either answer...but I'd go with Mel, just because he gave Buddy Sorrell so much great material.

6. Chia Head vs. Pet Rock

Ch-ch-ch chia!

7. Mr. Rogers vs. Mr. T

I pity the fool who isn't a good neighbor. But I suspect that I'd rather have Mr. T living next door. He's less likely to have trains whistling, maudlin songs blasting, or weird shoe and sweater fetishes. Oh sure, there'd be some jangling noise from all the gold chains, and probably some poppeta-poppeta noises from the speed bag in the basement, but I'd rather hear that than live next door to an old guy who plays with creepy puppets.

8. Will Robinson vs. Andy Robinson

As pathetic as "Lost in Space" is, I have always had a healthy respect for Billy Mumy, who (along with the robot) totally carried the show. But Andy Robinson was the best villain Dirty Harry ever faced, and was also on Star Trek (DS9) as a gay Cardassian (not to be confused with any of the Kardashians)...so even though it's a close contest, Andy gets the nod.

9. Mel Blanc vs. Daws Butler

Daws Butler was a talented and versatile fellow, and he did work on "Rocky and Bullwinkle," which earns him bonus points -- but he did have the misfortune of getting stuck in the Hanna Barbera crap factory, which removes all those points, and more. And even without the HB demerits, let's face it: Mel Blanc was Bugs Bunny. And Marvin the Martian. And Foghorn Leghorn and Porky Pig, among dozens of others. Mel wins.

10. Ricardo Montalban vs. Benedict Cumberbatch

I'm sure you know how this one ends; it's a no-doubter. But still, I have to admit that I like Benedict Cumberbatch, and think that he's a passable Khan artist. In fact, if the "Into Darkness" producers had chosen a buff Latino for the part, we would've spent the time in more details comparisons. Benny's Khan was actually OK, and I wouldn't mind seeing him again. But Ricardo is number one. And I'm sure he is stabbing at Cumberbatch from Hell's heart even as we speak. Altogether now, let's pay him tribute:


Have a great day!

Cyberdyne Monday

Yesterday was my 60th birthday.

It was also the day where online retailers expected their biggest sales volume of the year. Ergo, I got about 50 emails from friends and family congratulating me on my unexpected longevity...and about 500 billion emails from people wanting me to buy stuff.

To my friends, I say "Thank you!", and express my continual heartfelt gratitude for their support and love over these past 6 decades. It amazes me that someone of my genetic gargoyleosity and limited social skills has been fortunate enough to hang around with such outstanding and delightful people throughout my entire existence. Why, just last week I was saying that we should have some sort of holiday where we could give thanks for and celebrate our good fortunes by overindulging in pie and other nap-inducing foodstuffs.

But the shopping season has definitely begun. Armies of red-eyed sales-seekers are shuffling through the malls and Tronning their way across the Internet, looking for Turbo-man with the kung-fu grip and Tickle-me Zumwalts. I heard on the radio that kids are especially interested in frozen merchandise this year, which I assume has something to do with trying to stay cool during the global warming apocalypse. I guess that means you need to throw your Pokemon cards in the fridge for a few days before you put 'em in little Johnny's stocking.

Anyway, I had a very nice birthday -- and I don't particularly feel any older than I did when Sputnik was launched. Wiser, sure, and much more dependent on my roomatiz med'cine...but not any older. And the really good news is that I have finished my Christmas shopping already.

Perhaps my Christmas present to my readers will be a posting of the long-awaited story of my trip across South Dakota that I promised all those months ago. Perhaps.

In the meantime, not a day goes by without some sort of noteworthy occurrence that I could share with you. Until my ongoing work crunch ends and I get through my Personal Trainer certification test, my writing time will continue to be limited, but I will share those stories as time permits.

In the meantime, I hope you're shopping on SkyNet and giving the delivery drones plenty to do -- so they won't have time to think about the inevitable M5 takeover to come.

In any case, I'm looking forward to the next 60 years, and am hoping you'll be right there with me for all the adventures to come. Have a great day!