High School Musical

As most kids do, I had occasional dreams of becoming a movie star. I felt I had all of the qualities needed for stardom -- PeeWee Herman good looks, Clouseau-like intelligence, Brando-esque appetite, and Andre the Giant elocution...how could I possibly fail?

I signed up for a high-school drama class, intending to work my way up from the bottom the same way Candice Bergen and Ben Stiller did. The Olsen twins hadn't been invented yet and Bob Saget was still in diapers, so my acting idols were folks like Lee Majors, DeForest Kelly and Grace Lee Whitney.

Unfortunately, the drama class wasn't as much fun as I had hoped. Being a raging introvert with self-esteem issues, acne, and a voice that couldn't decide which octave to use...well, I wasn't exactly ecstatic when the teacher asked me to perform in front of the group. I was a sophomore in a class full of juniors and seniors, and most of my classmates had considered themselves "thespians" for many, many years. I was definitely not in my comfort zone.

This was also my first exposure to the idea that "drama" and "theater" were "important" forms of "literature". Heck, I had always thought that being an actor meant that you got to fight bad guys, kiss girls, and dive toward the camera while stuff blew up behind you. I had no clue that most of the folks within the theater community thought that freakin' Shakespeare was some kind of god, and that "Death of a Salesman" was something other than a boring piece of crap. These people took themselves and their "art" SO seriously--it just blew my mind. But the most amazing thing of all was the fact that most of the drama dorks actually thought that stage plays were better than movies.

What planet are these people from?

To me, it is obvious beyond any argument that sitting through the worst Pauly Shore movie is infinitely better than watching Laurence Olivier wander around the stage stabbing curtains and talking to himself. Even the mutated-bug dreck on the sci-fi channel is better than 2-plus hours of watching Willy Loman tromping back and forth on 60 square feet of floorspace while complaining about how tough the sales business is. You just want to shout "Well then, go get a job in construction or work-at-home medical transcription, ya loser! I need to go to the bathroom!"

Anyway, the point is that the high school drama kids were a little too high-strung for my tastes, and I didn't feel that I fit in very well. And after the embarrassment I had suffered from my Barney Fife-quality efforts in the church choir...well, I wasn't very enthusiastic about the assignment to perform a scene from a musical. What scene could I choose that would minimize my likelihood of achieving laughingstock status, while still allowing me to pass the class?

I went with "Trouble in River City", from the Music Man. I loved that movie, and if I could channel even a tenth of the energy I felt when I watched Robert Preson's performance, I should be terrific--with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Passing Grade!

It's probably a good thing that camcorders didn't yet exist. And since I'm not going to tell you the names of anyone in that class, you won't be able to find any witnesses. Therefore, I can describe my performance as triumphant, scintillating, and magical...and nobody will be able to prove otherwise.

But due to circumstances that may or may not be related to my portrayal of Prof. Harold Hill, I did not continue with the drama curriculum. (I did take the "Fundamentals of Play Directing" class in college, because it was required for my Radio/TV/Film degree program, but trust me -- it brought me no closer to being a real thespian than my high school experience had. There were some interesting moments, though -- perhaps I'll share them with on at some other time.) In retrospect, perhaps I should've continued down that path...after all, I'm still as handsome as PeeWee, and now that my voice has stopped changing, I can sing every bit as well as Lee Majors.

Anyway, the point is that I finally saw Disney's "High School Musical", parts 1 and 2. Part 3 is coming out on October 24th, and I intend to see it. I only mentioned my own background in musical theater to give me credibility as a reviewer of this particular genre of film.

It's a story about a handsome highschool basketball star and a cuddly-cute math whiz who want to sing and dance and fall in love with each other. (Side question: Were the math whiz chicks at your high school totally hot? We had one whose nickname was simply "The Scientist". I'll let you draw your own conclusions about whether "The Scientist" was a babe or not.) The dramatic tension is provided by the self-centered hottie who wants to hoard all the singin' and dancin' fame for herself, and therefore develops a variety of evil schemes to thwart our heroes in their quest for personal fulfillment.

Will Troy and Gabriella win the lead roles in the big school play? Will the basketball team win the championship? Will the Math Squad defeat their archrivals in the competition to see who can draw the most confusing equations on the board? Those are the big questions.

But there are subplots as well: Will the fellow who likes to bake krembroolay end up dating the blond hottie? Will the hottie's long-suffering brother ever find someone who appreciates his flashy volcano dance outfit? Will her parents ever apologize for naming her after a breed of ugly, wrinkled dogs? And perhaps most importantly, will the school administration ever gain control over this unruly horde of teenagers who seem to burst into song and dance at the drop of a fuzzy band hat?

And what the heck is a krembroolay, anyway? I assume it's food, since you apparently bake it. But it sounds like something a terrorist would eat before going on a suicide mission. Am I right?

I'm not going to give away the answers to these questions. But I will tell you that I found these movies to be utterly charming and immensely enjoyable. The kids are charismatic -- every single one of them -- and the music is fun. And I'm a sucker for the romance, too.

Of course, there are places where you have to really work to achieve suspension of disbelief -- like when the two kids (who've never sung in public before) sight-read a complex duet and totally nail it...but hey -- it's a musical. The most impressive thing might be that you end up liking Sharpay (the self-centered babe) every bit as much as any other character. (Perhaps in some future blog, I'll explore the question of why evil highschool girls are inevitably blond. It involves some quantum physics and chaos theory, though, so I'll probably have to have the help of a math nerd -- brunette of course -- to explain it.)

Anyway, the point is that you should rent the first two of these movies, and then go see the third one when it hits theaters. Kids will love it, too. (Well, not MY kid, cuz he's an "alternative" rock star and thinks that any music from, ugh, Disney would just have to be bad. But he also thinks that not getting a job is the best way to help the struggling economy, too...so I don't think I'll listen to him. But normal kids will enjoy this, I'm pretty sure.) So check it out. And have a great day!

PS. By the way, I just learned that "crème brûlée" isn't a terrorist ritual at all, but instead is some kind of hoity-toity dessert thingy where they take a hockey-puck of custard and attack it with a blowtorch until it sets off the smoke alarms. Sounds yucky to me -- I'm a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup kind of guy -- but I understand that rich Democrats, Europeans, and even certain thespians totally dig it. If you're into that sort of thing, well, knock yourself out, my friend. Still, if you're looking for a snack to eat during the movie, I'd stick with popcorn or Junior Mints.