Eagle Eye

WARNING: If you want to remain in suspense about the movie "Eagle Eye", do not read this review. I'm going to reveal who the bad guy is. I'll probably give away critical plot elements as well. I don't normally like to provide "spoiler details" within a review, but honestly, I can't think of any way to talk about this film without doing that. Sorry.

Well, actually, I guess I could give you a very brief summary review without spoilers: "A fun adventure, despite a multitude of insultingly stupid plot elements." There. Was that a satisfactory review?

Didn't think so. And the truth is that I don't think your enjoyment of "Eagle Eye" will be diluted any by knowing of the details I'm likely to reveal. So, if you think you can handle it, read on.

Here's the stuff you already know (even if you haven't seen it): Shia LeBeouf stars as a typical American slacker dude who suddenly finds himself framed as a terrorist, simultaneously receives escape instructions from a mysterious telephone caller, and spends the next several days performing tasks to please his new unseen master. From the beginning you figure that he'll hook up with the girl, discover the true plot behind the phonecall machinations, and bring down the powerful secret mastermind behind it all. And you'd be right.

As I've stated in the past, this guy has the most unfortunate name of any actor in Hollywood. I'm pretty sure that his first name is pronounced "SHY uh", but I've heard the last name stated as "La Beef", "La Boof", "Le Buff", and even "Lee Bee-oof". He really needs to get a nickname, like other big stars (J-Lo, Diddy, Carrot-Top, etc). I guess we could just call him "Beefy" or just "Shy". Or why not just "Caveman"?

Anyway, despite my discomfort with the fellow's name, I have yet to see a movie he's in that I didn't greatly enjoy. He's good.

And that bring us to the reviewer's dilemma: the "Eagle Eye" cast is fine, most of the action is fun, and I certainly enjoyed my time in the theater -- but lordy, lordy, lordy...this story is DUMB!

I mean, come on! The bad guy has the ability to pyrotechnically disconnect high-tension wires in the middle of the desert, and have them fall directly onto a running Bolshevik? It can predict and/or control the exact disruption to traffic flow caused by two dozen consecutive automobile accidents? Orchestrate the theft of a grade school kid's trumpet and return it to him (containing a device to eliminate the entire government) without anybody getting suspicious? Come on!

And probably the biggest unbelievable plot element: the grade school band plays The Star Spangled Banner in the key of concert E-flat (transposed to "F" for the B-flat trumpet)...and play it flawlessly, in-tune, and without cracking any high notes. Hey, I've seen a LOT of school bands in my time, and trust me -- that just ain't gonna happen.

Oh yeah, and there's a computer that takes over the world, too. Surprise! It happens to be a close relative (aka "blatant plagiarism") of HAL-9000, the rogue computer that tries to kill Gary Lockwood before Captain Kirk finally finishes the job.

Yes, that's right: the bad guy is a deranged US government computer that thinks it can best protect the country by knocking off the President, his cabinet, and half of Congress -- and then giving nominal control to Michael Chiklis.

Shades of SkyNet, WarGames, M-5, and WestWorld, all in one movie. But at least those major malfunctions don't ask you to believe that the CPU consists of a roomful of golden orbs and a giant swiveling eyestalk that talks to you with the voice of the chick who says "The number you have dialed has been disconnected."

I'm sorry, but psychotic computers just aren't very interesting unless they have Austrian body-builder robots as henchmen.

But the motivations of the characters ARE rather interesting. It's fun to put yourself into their shoes to speculate on whether you'd react the same way. Would you fall for the girl, just because the looney-tunes computer told you to catch a ride with her? If you were Billy Bob FBI agent, would you go all Tommy-Lee-Jones "I don't care" on poor shanghaied Shia...or would you give him the benefit of the doubt? If you were the trumpet-playing kid warming up for the biggest concert of your life, wouldn't you notice the detonator crammed into your horn's blow-tube, obviously obstructing your airflow? And if you're the Secret Service dude who puts three bullets into the maniac who started shooting inside the White House...wouldn't you, oh I don't know, hurry to get over to him to see if he's really been taken out?

I dunno. Maybe it would actually be somewhat of a relief to have the all-seeing computer tell you what to do. I mean, just picking out a pair of socks in the morning pretty much overloads my own "personal responsibility" circuits; and maybe it would be somewhat comforting to team up with an entity that can change the traffic lights in your favor, deposit vast fortunes into your bank account, and automatically replace all Mark Udall commercials with the Budweiser lizards.

Bottom line: Go see "Eagle Eye". Leave your technical skepticism at home, though, along with your expectations of logic and plausibility. Be ready to see far more car crashes than any non-Blues-Brothers movie requires, and be prepared to hear a few "this proves that technology is evil" discussions from Luddites in the parking lot. But enjoy the Caveman, and if the "line-is-disconnected" lady happens to call your cellphone, just ignore it, OK?

Have a great day!