Baboons

Last night, as I ate my peanut butter sandwich for dinner, I watched a PBS special about some guy who studies baboons. Being raised in Kansas, I've always pronounced the word BAB-oon, but PBS announcers are under contract to try to sound British, even if they're not...so as I discuss the program, try to think "buh-BOON", OK?

Anyway, the researcher was doing blood tests, checking cholesterol, and making other observations to determine the levels of stress that each baboon was under within their monkey society. Turns out that the alpha male, aka "leader of the pack", had the lowest stress, while the lowest peon in the hierarchy (aka "proposal editor") experienced the most.

The scientists interview postulated that baboon society functioned exactly like human culture. The "boss" orders everybody around and enjoys his position of authority, with finely-groomed fur and extra-large bananas. His immediate subordinates get frustrated with his pompous demands, and relieve their stress by whaling away on their subordinates, who in turn, go off to pound on the smallest and weakest among the tribe.

I can't say that my job is a perfect analog of monkey society; after all, my boss hardly ever physically smacks anybody upside the head. In fact, I'd have to say that almost all the people I work with are unfailingly nice, and head-upside smacking is non-existent within the group. But the part that the PBS narrator mentioned that I can easily relate to is this: It's not the amount of labor or the difficulty of tasks that creates the stress...it's the lack of control. Since the biggest baboon is in total control, his blood pressure remains low. But the other guys never quite know for sure when they're going to get smacked, or sent off on a midnight banana run, or urgently summoned to remove fleas from the boss's big red buttocks. And it's the uncertainty that leads to the tension.

And boy, can I relate to that! The truth is that there are very few tasks in my job description that, if taken individually, are not enjoyable. I like editing, writing, and even document formatting. No problemo. But the fact that on any given day I don't know how late I'll be asked to work, or whether I'll be ordered to fly to Ala-freakin-bama, or am going to be laid off because the government didn't offer the programs we were expecting -- that's the kind of stuff that makes my hair fall out and my neck veins bulge.

I'm not saying that I want to go back to canning Coleman fuel, like I did when I was in college. That job had very little uncertainty -- you just put empty cans on the assembly line, and then pulled full cans off the belt and loaded them into boxes. Over and over. All day long.

Oh sure, a couple of times each summer, the distributor mechanism would fly off the dispenser machine, and flammable liquid would spew all over the room -- but those occasional exciting near-death experiences didn't begin to make up for the endless daily tedium of filling cans and putting them in boxes. Filling cans and putting them in boxes.

I guess what I'm saying is that I like variety in my job. Working on different projects, meeting different people, learning more about the cool satellites that the company makes -- that's all good. I just don't need the annoying "it's out-of-my-control" feelings that come with not being able to plan weekend activities...or even a dinner menu. And don't tell me that I just need to become the head baboon, cuz I'm far enough along in my career to be fairly certain that it ain't gonna happen. I think I'll just stick with the "beat on your subordinates" philosophy; that's why it's really good to be the swim team coach!

So, if you're the type of person who likes to do sociological research (ie, a bearded, hippy-ish nerd who can shoot tranquilizer darts with a blowgun), then you might want to take some statistics on how my stress level at the office affects the sets given in swim practice the next morning. Could be interesting.

Just don't call me a buhBOON, OK?