Stock Market

The one nice thing about being so far away from retirement is that I don't need to panic when the stock market has a meltdown. And unlike some of the people you hear about from 1929, I don't think I'd leap out a window even if I lost everything -- I'd just move up to my mountain property and life off the land like the Clampets did until all that black gold and Texas tea crudely bubbled up.

I surely would miss my cee-ment pond, though. Swimming is the one perquisite of civilization that I fear I could not forego. Well, that and Chipotle.

Some folks, though, like my boss, must be going nuts over the current stock market embolism. He had planned to retire at the first of this year, based on his 2006 prediction of his portfolio's 2008 value. But it didn't get there, and it's gone down further since. So, the poor guy has to keep coming in to the office to supervise the rest of us who don't have enough money in the bank yet. He was all set to move to Mexico and live in comfort where everybody talks like Ricardo Montalban and watches soccer 24/7. Ahhh.

But no. Fannie Farmer and Biggie Mac and even Duke & Duke have all gone down the toilet. It's a good thing that the government will bail them all out, because as we know, the government has unlimited funds that magically appear whenever they need 'em -- thus keeping all us middle-class folks from having to worry about whether we've mortgaged ourselves into a black hole or not.

This may surprise you, but despite the fact that I can talk the lingo (hedge funds, dollar cost averaging, short-selling, price-to-equality rations, Nazdak, etc), I really don't know squat about the inner workings of Wall Street. All I know is from watching movies -- a bunch of rabid guys who look like Michael Douglas all stand around with little pieces of paper in their hands yelling and screaming while all sorts of numbers flash by on the Jumbotron. Somehow during all this yelling, I get the impression that one dude sells 100 shares of Microsoft and some other shouting fellow buys them. They agree upon a price amidst the noise, and moments later, they do the same thing again, only at a different price.

Seems rather odd to me. I mean, I can't see going into Target to buy a toaster and having to yell at the clerk to get a little piece of paper with the price on it...and then watching the next guy get a better deal. Well, I suppose the the ancient Mesopotamians did that in their marketplaces (only with pigs instead of toasters), so I guess there is historical precendent. But it just seems...uncivilized.

And if I were to call John Houseman over at Smith Barney and tell him that I needed a dozen shares of Dow Jones (or Dow Corning...which one is the one that makes bug spray??), how does he get my order into the hands of one of the shouting morlocks on the floor, anyway? Does everybody have those Borg-looking bluetooth thingies sticking out of their ears? And how can you hear anything anyway? Why isn't this all handled electronically? I can buy a bicycle through eBay...why not a controlling interest in Geico or something?

Anyway, I've forgotten if I even had a point to make in this entry. Hmm.

Oh yeah, it's this: Unless I win Lotto or suddenly get discovered by Hollywood as the next Billy Bob Thornton or something, I'm not going to be drawing funds from my retirement account for many, many years to come. Therefore, I am not going to get my intestines twisted over whatever gyrations that stock market goes through each day. I will pay attention to general trends, though, and will vote against the pinheads who want to raise capital gains taxes, etc., and will try to avoid putting my money into products that look good now, but will soon vanish from the face of the earth (eg, reality television, hubcaps that spin after you stop, Larry the Cable Guy, etc).

So, as the market roller coaster screams through its hills and valley, I say -- enjoy the ride!