Career Development

I suspect that most large corporations have a similar convoluted systems for assessing employee performance and making salary management decisions. And I suspect that all are as universally hated as the system we use at my office.

Performance appraisals and the granting of salary increases are supposed to be motivational. If you work harder, you'll get a larger annual raise. I suppose that there are some rare cases where the thought of an extra 1 or 2% salary increase really does inspire someone to bust their butt every single workday, but in the vast majority of instances, that particular carrot only provides incentive and motivation for about a week. If that.

The truth is that most people work hard if they enjoy the work itself, have a passion for their department or company's mission, or develop a sense of loyalty to their coworkers and/or bosses. Nobody is going to crank up the energy level for an entire year for no reason other than a potential fractional financial reward that is still based on subjective ratings by people who don't know or care anything about you.

Of course, I'm talking about salaried or hourly positions in companies with larger infrastructures. This discussion doesn't apply to people who make their livings with commissions or as contractors, of course; but in a corporate environment with an HR department that makes it difficult to fire people...well, the annual "merit" raises received by sloths are not that much different from those collected by the high-performance fireballs. Unless you find a way to get a promotion, you'll only get one raise each year, and it'll be within a range rigidly bounded by HR calculations.

Salary is certainly a motivation to keep your job, and to come to work each day, but I don't think the system provides motivation to excel.

Anyway, it's that time of year again: We each have to fill out a form describing how we performed against the objectives we stated a year ago. And since some of the objectives are mandated by the company (ie, "promote diversity"), it might be a little tough to even find the opportunities to pursue those goals. For the most part, my annual statements look pretty much the same as they did last year.

"Worked on XX number of proposals, in XX-type of lead position. Managed XX resources, and performed within schedule and on budget. Yawn. Got through the year without anybody voicing any particular hatred toward me or my work, and learned a few minor things that help prepare me for a management position that might or might not open up in a decade or so. Double-yawn. Didn't sell any secrets to the Commies, and didn't set fire to any important company property."

Sleep well and I'll see you next year.

I realize, of course, that whining about a system without proposing a solution is deplorable behavior, so I am going to offer some suggestions. The most obvious answer to all of the world's problems would be to appoint me as Supreme Dictator With Absolute Power, which would result in the elimination of sluggards, promotion of high performers, and creation of a management structure in which all of the leadership shared my vision of a perfect world and would implement my policies with surgical precision.

I suspect, though, that such a solution (perfect though it may be) is unlikely to happen. After all, if everyone thought the same way I did (with the attendant gains in efficiency and productivity), the concept of "diversity" would, by definition, be thrown out the window. And that would violate not only cherished corporate policy, but probably some number of federal and state statutes as well. Therefore, we'll need to come up with an alternative approach.

I'll have to give it some thought. If anyone knows of a corporate system that works better than this, please let me know. In the meantime, I'm going to suggest that raises be determined solely by swim meet performance. For those who can't swim, we'll determine salary rank via Texas Death Match Cage Wrestling. If there are any ties, we'll have a Jeopardy playoff -- with every category being based on either Star Trek or the Beverly Hillbillies.

Sounds fair to me. I'll let you know if the Board of Directors will buy it.