Inauguration

According to the media hype, Obama's inauguration will be quite the spectacle -- an event of epic magnitude, heralding in a new age of enlightenment and progress. Filled with rock stars, movie celebrities, and religious leaders from a dozen different belief systems, the inauguration is a can't-miss, once in a lifetime event. And once it's over, it'll only be a matter of weeks before there's a chicken in every pot, a bio-fuel flying car in every garage, and universal acclamations of love, peace, and tolerance from every country on earth. (Well...except for the rich people; those evil bastards are finally going to get the punishment they deserve for their continuing crimes of productivity. Bwaahh haaa haa ha!)

I have to say that even though all the inaugural ceremoniality sounds pretty darned awesome, all right, I'm afraid that I'm still going to skip it. I'm just not that much of a pomp and party dude. And though it's probably un-American to admit it, I really don't like Bruce Springsteen at all.

But it does make me think about what I would do if I were ever elected President. (Oh, don't worry -- I won't run. I realize that not knowing the difference between Nigeria and Nicaragua would be a handicap in developing foreign policy. I've also been known to confuse Iran and Irene Ryan...so it's doubtful anyone would vote for me. Plus, I've always believed it's best to nuke first and ask questions later, which is a position you don't hear many successful politicians take. No, I don't think I'll ever run.)

If I were elected, though, you can bet that my inauguration ceremony would be unique. The catering would be by Chipotle and the music would be by Dome Cube. All speeches would contain references to San Dimas High School Football and/or lines from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", and would be no more than 30 seconds long. And there would probably be a swim meet, a Bruce Lee movie, and at least one set of dueling banjos. And even with all those activities, we'd still be home in bed by 7:30pm.

I wouldn't change any of the drapes in the White House, because quite frankly, I can't think of any activity more useless than worrying about drapes. I'd probably take down the previous occupant's Bon Jovi and Madonna posters, though, and replace them with dentist-office art -- because I'd definitely want my staff to understand the importance of flossing between meetings with heads of state. I'd order the butler to fill the fridge with Diet Dr. Pepper and the cabinets with Junior Mints, and I'd be ready to govern.

Anyway, the point is that until you folks decide to put me in charge of the Free World, I'll probably continue to pay more attention to how the President runs things than to what sorts of parties he throws. But I know that some folks are really into the whole celebration and ceremony part of it, and more power to 'em. So, whether you ignore the inauguration or spend the day glued to the tube, you have my best wishes and encouragement to enjoy yourself, and have a great day!