Obese America

First, let me establish my credentials to speak about this topic: I earned a B.S. Degree in Journalism from the world-renowned William Allen White School of Journalism at the University of Kansas. (William Allen White was the dude who wrote "Charlotte's Web", I think. Or maybe that was E. Betty White. Or was it Jaleel White? Whatever; William Allen White wrote something, and it made him famous enough to get a school named after him... so the fact that I have a Journalism degree from that particular college means that I am a highly-qualified authority to speak about the subject of Journalism. Right?

OK, now that you have complete confidence in the accuracy and truth of whatever I say, I shall proceed.

Thursday morning, I went over to the Peak Recreation Center for an early-morning workout. There were about a dozen other folks there, including Kim (who does about a million vertical steps each day on the Stairmaster, and also plays racquetball and swims on the Masters team), Katie (who runs at least 4 miles every day, lifts weights, does 200 sit-ups, and swims on the Masters team), Carolanne (who teaches a spinning class, coaches & swims on the Masters team, and does triathlons), and Tim (a dependable regular who puts in miles and miles on the treadmill), as well as all the old guys who hammer on the stationary bikes, shred the ellipticals, and rotate through every single weight machine. While I was doing my leg presses, I happened to catch a reporter on the morning news program making the following peculiar statement:

"A new study shows that based on current trends, 100% of Americans will be obsese by the year 2020."

What? Did I hear that correctly? 100%? Every single American will be wallowing in blimposity in a dozen years? Even the guys who are trying to break Michael Phelps' records? Even supermodels? Even (gasp) Fabio?

Well, OK, Fabio's probably not an American. (I think he's like French or Presbyterian or something.) But it's still pretty disturbing to think of David Hasselhoff and Lindsey Lohan and Keith Richards going all Dom DeLuise on us.

OK, I'm not sure Keith Richards is really American, either...but you know what I mean. According to this trusted television news program, every single man, woman, and child in the USA (including athletes, vegans, talk-show hosts, and anorexics) is going to be unable to fit in an airline seat before we've even forgotten who Ben Affleck is. It's an astounding statement to make.

And it graphically illustrates how inane and pandering our mainstream media journalists are these days. I work with scientists on a daily basis, and I can guarantee that not one single legitimate researcher anywhere would've used those words within a study conclusion. I don't care how drastically Taco Bell lowers the price of its zesty crunchy folded-over tortilla whatzit, there will always be at least a few Americans who will remain fit and fabulous. (Or is it Fabio-ulous?) And I am proud to know and associate with many of them on a daily basis. In fact, just this week, I've gotten about a half-dozen phone calls from people who were inspired by the Olympic swimming events, and are asking about joining our swim team. I wonder what that trend would indicate if you extrapolated it out a dozen years? 100% of Americans join a swim team?

That would be nice, but I doubt it.

I guess the points I'm trying to make are these:

1. Don't believe everything you hear on TV. (Especially political ads, but that's a different topic entirely, which I may tackle on another day.)


2. Eat more fruits and vegetables, and avoid stuff like high-fructose corn syrup and any restaurant item whose name begins with "Death by..."


3. Immediately join your local Masters Swim Team. Studies have shown that 100% of Masters Swimmers are healthier, smarter, and live longer than normal people. Plus, they smell like chlorine, which is such a turn-on...

Oh, and one more thing. I don't have the science to back this up; it's just a gut feeling. But I'd recommend avoiding both Ben Affleck and Lindsey Lohan. Just to be safe.

Have a great day!