Taxes

As everyone knows, I am a very mellow guy. I help old ladies across the street, take in and feed stray kittens, and would never enact violence upon anyone. (Well, OK, I guess there was that one time.)

But I do get upset whenever I think about taxes, and would probably get great satisfaction from punching the guy that wrote the tax code. What a maroon!

You know, though -- the more I think about it, the more I suspect that the code was not written by a single dude. Not even Tolstoy could write something that convoluted and nonsensical. I bet it was cobbled together by those million typewriter monkeys that statisticians are always trying to blame for Shakespeare. In any case, preparing my tax returns is always a source of great frustration and colorful language directed at the folks in Washington who are supposed to represent us.

Don't worry -- I do not intend to turn this blog into a political bandstand, and I shall try to restrict my ranting to topical subjects of widespread interest. But because it is now tax season, I must urge you all to join me in doing a better job in choosing our next round of elected officials. We need to find people who understand that they MUST cut spending, simplify the stuff (such as the tax code) that is uselessly complex, and STOP TAKING AWAY OUR FREEDOMS!

We are capable of making our own decisions, thank you, and do not need the government telling us what to eat, drink, and listen to. I, for one, rather like the US Constitution, and really don't appreciate folks who want to nibble away at it. And I truly don't believe that anyone in Washington is better at running my life than I am.

Anyway, the point is that over the weekend I did somehow manage to claw my way through Form 1040 and its evil offspring, and have successfully fulfilled my federal and state funding obligations for one more year. It is a relief to have that particular task checked off my to-do list.

I also had a couple of good runs and a couple of good swims, and was able to successfully supress any hostile feelings that my tax-prep ordeal might have provoked. So, I guess it was a pretty good weekend.

But while our last quiz had nothing to do with taxes, it does (completely coincidentally) involve folks who are capable of engaging in violence. The quiz answer, of course, is "Craig."



The first panel features Batgirl, who is not only beautiful, but also adept at the manly arts of fisticuffs, kickboxing, and using the occasional noxious Bat-Spray as required. She's totally on the side of righteousness and apple pie, and has no problem with those guys named "Bruce" and "Dick" who have chosen to live together. Anyway, Batgirl fits our puzzle because she is portrayed by actress Yvonne Craig.

Panel 2 is the actor Craig Stevens, shown here in his role as Peter Gunn, a guy who occasionally shoots people (as his name would imply). His theme song might be the coolest TV detective song this side of Five-O.

The center panel features Craig Tucker, an animated fourth-grader from South Park. He's shown here in a scene from the episode where the boys procure ninja weapons and confront the evil Professor Chaos. There's some pretty good music here, too. But this particular Craig's real claim to fame comes when he travels to Peru to defeat the giant evil Guinea Pirate from Homeland Security. If you haven't seen it, you'll have to trust me -- there's some pretty high drama afoot in the Andes.

Next is, guess who? Yvonne Craig again, this time in her role as Marta, the green Orion slave girl who is totally hot, if a bit nutty. She's a minion of megalogmaniac shapeshifter Lord Garth, who wants to take over the Enterprise. Being associated with a bad boy like Garth would earn her enough violence points to be in our puzzle -- but she also tries to stab Captain Kirk (and the feeling is mutual, if you know what I mean), and then is involved in an unfortunate explosion. Does Garth take over the Starship and wreak havoc across the galaxy? I'll never tell.

And finally, we have Daniel Craig, who is best known for his recurring role as James Bond, Agent 007, with a license to kill. I suspect that the IRS (or whatever Her Majesty's equivalent service happens to be) would be quite content to let his returns go un-audited year after year.

And that's all I have for today. If anyone cares to rebut my position and send me a well-reasoned essay on why you LOVE to do your taxes, please do so. I look forward to hearing from you.

If not, that's OK, too. Either way, I hope you get a big refund...and have a great day!