Yardage

Some reader-suggested additions to our list of classic voices: Don Knotts, Pat Buttram, Eva Gabor, Slim Pickens, and Christopher Lee. James Doohan and Andy Serkis are also notable for vocal delivery, but primarily because of accents used in a specific role, so I'm not sure they count. But thanks for the suggestions; we may explore the topic in greater depth at a later time.

Today's topic is one of linguistics. My shoulder hurts, which got me to thinking about the language we use as a function of locally-adopted measurement systems. Let me explain:

At Friday's swim practice, I shared a lane with a couple of sprinters. As everyone knows, sprinters are different than normal people -- and their baffling brain functions reside among the grand unsolved mysteries of the Universe. Despite their inscrutability and oddness, though, they're generally genial...and I usually enjoy hanging around with them. They're always telling jokes, and have boundless social energy. Sure, they're mutants, and I certainly wouldn't want to marry one...but they are still human beings. As long as I have any say in the matter, they -- like breaststrokers, God bless 'em -- will always be welcome as members of our swim team.

But swimming a distance set with sprinters in the lane does require some adjustments. And to keep a long story short, let's just say that I failed to adjust properly. I came out of one of my turns expecting clear water, but instead found one of the guys cranking into the wall right on my tail. At the same time, the guys in the adjacent lane were hugging the lane lines right next to me, and I had to make a sudden and violent correction to avoid a collision. I twisted and pulled sidways...and something in my shoulder went "twang"!

You be right to blame it on old age, lack of flexibility/fitness, and too much of the 5 Ps (pepperoni pizza, peanuts, and peppermint patties.) I've become as fragile as porcelain, and should probably be more careful with my delicate physical structure. But what can I say? I enjoy swimming.

Anyway, the shoulder has been hurting for several days now. I have tried gentle stretching, massage, heat/ice, and even a liberal slathering of BenGay (which resulted in a bright red splotch on my skin, but didn't provide any noticable healing.) The massage therapist suggested that I cut back on my swimming yardage, and I'm sure most physicians and physical therapist would recommend rest as part of my treatment as well.

The weird thing is that the injury doesn't seem to bother my swimming. I feel it when I swim, but it doesn't hurt any worse when I'm working hard than it does when I'm standing at rest. When my buddy Tom Sheftel was in Medical School, he said the first thing they practiced in their doctor studies was how to have this exchange:

Patient: "Doc, it hurts when I do this."
Doctor: "Then don't do that."

It probably will heal faster if I take some time off. But will I do that? Probably not; but I'll let you know. The point is, though, that the phrase "cut back on yardage" made me wonder about this: What do injured Europeans cut back on? Is there such a thing as "meterage"?

We have mileage. Do they have kilometerage?

As you may know, I am a big fan of the metric system. Our "foot-pounds" system is extremely silly, and I'd be delighted to convert to meters and kilograms. Don't get me wrong, though -- this does not mean I'm a fan of all thing European. I do enjoy pizza and burritos and french fries and all those exotic types of euro-cuisine...but I absolutely abhor the way those countries have gone into debt with entitlement and social programs, and how they place so many limits on individual freedoms. Our country would never elect people who wanted to do those things to us.

Um...yeah. Well, never mind. The point is that I guess if we were swimming long course, I'd just say "I should cut back on meters," and leave it at that. Right?

Still, some of our friends across the pond do have an elegant way of expressing themselves. Enjoy this short clip, and have a great day!