A Disturbance in the Force

Most mornings, I wake up refreshed and with no memories of the dreams I had. I'm pretty sure that I usually dream of ways to prove complex mathematical theorums, solutions to world hunger, and NFL defensive schemes that would prevent 70-yard touchdown bombs in the last 30 seconds of a game. It would be nice to be able to access the brilliance of my subconscious brain so that I could share these insights with the world. But alas, I generally awaken without recollection of my nocturnal ephiphanies, and for some reason am completely unable to generate moments of genius when I'm awake. It's baffling and frustrating.

But occasionally, I do recall glimpses of dreams. This morning, for example, I woke up thinking about a sitcom TV show where a martial artist crimefighter took a day job as a high school teacher. It was called "Welcome Back, Cato."

It would be a laugh riot watching Bruce Lee face-kick every Sweathog that gave him any attitude. I liked the idea so much, I spent a few minutes thinking up ideas for other interesting TV shows.

How about a show about a whiny sportswriter's college days when he had to economize by cooking the cheapest food he could find. It would be called "Everybody Loves Ramen."

Another cooking-based program might feature a genial family man who specializes in Russian cuisine: "Father Knows Borsht".

How about Tim Allen as an ancient Italian stonemason who stages tool-based lectures on building construction in the Colosseum: "Rome Improvement"? Or a family show about schoolboys Wally (football star) and his younger brother (who wants to be a singer): "Leave it to Bieber"?

Rednecks who drive fast cars and are always the first on the scene to help clean up toxic waste spills: "The Dukes of Hazmat." Or an autistic karateman who beats up anyone who doesn't like Judge Wapner: "Walker, Texas Rainman." Or Don Johnson and Cheech Marin as a pair of wisecracking surgeons in Korea: "M.A.S.H Bridges." Or a story about a football player who suffers a horrible injury, but takes advantage of high-tech surgery to become functional once more: "The Six Million Dollar Manning."

Of course, like dreams, not all TV shows are pleasant and joyous. Some could be a little sad, like the story of a beautiful Civil War plantation owner who falls into a frustrating love affair with a strong, but slow-moving alien: "Gorn with the Wind."

But the one that really frightens me to think about would be a show featuring hideous, malformed beings from Hell who creep everyone out by doing arcane ritualistic dances and other incomprehensible perversions while muttering in high-pitched satanic voices. It would be called "Teletubbies."

OK, I'll probably have nightmares tonight after those disturbing thoughts. Until then, though, I'll try to focus on nice things and friendly people. Have a great day!