Lois Lane

Has any superhero, ever, had a girlfriend who didn't need to be rescued? Even as a kid, I got upset with Superman for continuing to rescue Lois Lane when she was clearly deserving of multiple Darwin Awards. Jimmy Olsen, maybe...he was just a dumb kid who might someday grow up and develop some common sense. But Lois? Lois was a maroon.

I have to say that Noel Neill is still my favorite Lois, despite the fact that some of the TV Loises (Loii?) were far more hot and sultry. Ms. Neill seemed to have a sense of humor, and even though you might be upset by her refusal to think logically, you had to admire her spunky energy.

I thought Jack Larson was the best Jimmy, too, even though Marc McClure gets honorable mention for having his head cut off due to Marty McFly's carelessness with the space-time continuum.

Anyway, Wikipedia says that Noel Neill was the 2nd most popular WWII pinup girl behind Betty Grable. As far as I know, she's still alive, but no longer serves as bait in kryptonite-laden traps. I wish her well.

As for other superhero girlfriends, I think it might be fun to have a longer discussion of their appeal and effectiveness in some future post...but for today, we'll just stick with the answers to yesterday's puzzle.



The first panel features an incredible insect, the world's most powerful example of drosophila melanogaster, Fearless Fly. In a reversal of the Clark Kent paradigm, Fearless gains his power through his glasses, and is helpless without them. When lensless, he becomes a regular fly named Hirem. As disgusting as it is to imagine romance among nasty little bugs, the fact is that FF did have a love interest. Her name is Flory, and though I'm not certain, I'll assume that her last name is also "Fly", so her initials would allow them to share their original monogrammed towels should they decide to cohabitate.

One side note: When I was in the Boy Scouts, the mascot for my patrol was a stuffed bear we named "Hirem". We took him along on campouts, and included him in all patrol meetings. I can't swear to it, but I think he was named after Fearless Fly's alter ego. (As for why we had a bear as a mascot for the Black Widow patrol, I haven't a clue.)

Mighty Mouse is the only hero I know of who sang his own theme song whenever he dashed to the rescue. This odd habit, combined with his tendency toward flamboyant costuming has led many to speculate that he was a mighty gay mouse...but he did have a girlfriend. Her name was Pearl Pureheart, and she seemed to have a penchant for antagonizing felines. To the best of my knowledge, though, MM had no secret identity. When he wasn't flying around singing and administering beatings, he apparently spent his time collecting wildflowers and designing evening gowns. Or so I've heard.

The name "Pearl Pureheart" was obviously a ripoff of Underdog's girlfriend, "Sweet Polly Purebred." Time travel must have been involved, since Mighty Mouse predated Underdog by a couple of decades, but that's a topic for the scientists and/or theologians to argue.

I became a fan of the show when I was in grade school, when my knowledge of the world (and linguistics) was still quite limited. I remember wondering what "Pure bread" was, and why anyone would name a canine reporter chick after some obscure bakery product.

Anyway, both Underdog and Mighty Mouse often battled cats, but that's where the similarities end. Both Underdog and his secret identity, Shoeshine Boy, are disinclined toward both musicality and fashion sense, and there's no doubt at all about his genuine affection for Sweet Polly. Why he speaks in rhyme is a mystery, but he's got a great announcer (George S. Irving), and a wonderful opening title sequence. If that's not all, Underdog's voice is provided by the same guy who gave us the Biddle Bird Watchers (shown here.)

Superchicken's secret identity was Henry Cabot Henhouse III, a wealthy aristocrat rooster who drank super sauce and donned a musketeer costume to fight crime. As far as I know, he did not have a girlfriend...probably because he always hung out with a lion named Fred. (Girl chickens tend to avoid socializing with lions...unless they are also suffering a Darwin deficit, a la Lois Lane.) Fred is the one who is constantly reminded that he knew the job was dangerous when he took it. Along with Underdog and George of the Jungle, Superchicken completes the triad of All-time Great Cartoon Theme Songs.

Finally, we have Mr. Ben Grimm (aka "the Thing"), whose primary skill consists of clobberin' bad guys. The Ben Grimm persona isn't really a secret identity; everybody knows who he is. But there is a distinct difference when he's in Grimm (ie, human) mode versus when he's all bulked out in orange rock form. Since most human women prefer the aesthetics of dating men with skin rather than mineral formations covering their bodies, the mutated Mr. Grimm developed the effective strategy of only dating blind women. His girlfriend, Alicia Masters, is a keen judge of character, but is thankfully unconcerned with facial symmetry, etc.

That's the kind of girl I should be looking for. Of course, in my case she'd also need to have an impaired sense of smell, a damaged sense of humor, and very low expectations in terms of intellect and common sense. And it would help if she had a high tolerance for cartoon trivia and a Star Trek worldview. And enough money to enable my immediate and permanent retirement from the corporate world, too. If you know anyone like this, please let me know.

That's all I have to say about superheroes for the moment. Next, I'm going to start searching for some sort of competition to enter. I'm thinking of trying to find an interesting event I could travel to in conjunction with a trip to Seattle to visit Tanner. Any suggestions?

Anyway, I'll be happy to revisit the superhero girlfriend or secret identity topics if anyone brings up an interesting take on the subject. In the meantime, please avoid exposure to radioactive arachnids (etc), and have a great day!