Mother's Day

I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if my mother had lived a few more years.

Oh, I probably would still be a nerd; both my parents possessed innate nerdward tendencies in abundance. I still would've retained my poindexterism in academic apptitudes, and still would've been in the marching band. Even when my mom was around to pick out my clothes for school, I remained conspicuously noncompliant with ongoing fashion trends. And since my DNA saw to it that I needed glasses and was built like an anemic scarecrow, I was probably going to suffer my fair share of bully problems, regardless how many parents I had.

But I know she'd have loved me, nurtured me, and guided me in ways that my dad just couldn't do. I am quite certain I'd have had more confidence in myself throughout school, and would've been able to develop more complete relationships (especially with girls) as I struggled to grow up. And I know I'd have been spared the searing jealousy I felt toward every "normal" kid who had a mom who could fix him meals, drive him to the park, or give him a hug when he needed one.

If my mother had been alive to see me through junior high, high school, and college, I'm sure I'd have gone through the normal developmental phase of thinking that Mother's Day was nothing more than a manipulative ploy by the greeting card companies, and I'd probably have been annoyed by the obligation to take her out to lunch.

But let me tell you, I'd give anything for that opportunity now.

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As usual, the weekend went by far too quickly.

The cold and drizzly weather forced the formulation of some alternate exercise plans. I discarded any thoughts of riding bikes in the mountains and instead spent some time at the gym. I did manage to run a little bit outside, but wasn't able to generate any great speed or enthusiasm. At best, my weekend exercise served as maintenance -- it didn't advance my athletic training in any significant way. Still, I had fun...and wish there were a few more weekend days I could use before starting back to work.

Oh well. And speaking of work, how did we do on our little vegetable puzzle?



Everybody got "Tom-ato", though a couple of folks thought it was Tom Selleck rather than Tom Jones. Younger readers may not be familiar with Mr. Jones, but he's one of those guys who was popular, then for some reason became a bit of a pop culture joke, and then made a comeback when people realized that he's actually quite talented.

Po-tatos were easy, as well...especially since you could still figure it out even if you didn't know each of the icons. The blind shaolin priest is, of course, Master Po from the TV series "Kung Fu". The actor is the venerable Keye Luke, who we featured earlier as a "Keye-wi" fruit. (He was also the voice of Mr. Han in "Enter the Dragon", and is a delight in every role he played.) Master Po is responsible for coming up with the nickname "Grasshopper", which is now used to refer to any neophyte who requires philosophical counseling. (He started called Caine by that name when he gave him a lecture on awareness, noting that the old blind guy knew that there was a grasshopper at the kid's feet, when the boy himself was oblivious to the fact.)

The black and white mustachioed fellow has been previously featured in these pages as well. He is famed horror author Edgar Allen Poe, who created many macabre and terrifying nightmares...and is currently being portrayed onscreen by John Cusack. Despite the terrors that were created by good ol' Edgar Allen, there was never anything from the darkest corners of his imagination that even begins to compare with the utter evil and sheer unmitigated repugnance of the minions from Hell known as the Teletubbies. The red-garbed potato demon with the circular antenna is the Teletubby known as Po, generally regarded as Satan's most dastardly henchman, and the inspiration for many movie villains such as the Gremlins, Chucky, and the pit worm that tries to eat Han Solo after Jabba tosses him overboard. Teletubby Po totally creeps me out.

Thank goodness our next vegetable is so utterly upstanding and wholesome. This is the Q-cumber, featuring Desmond Llewelyn, who played Her Majesty's ultimate gadget master in all the classic James Bond movies.

Back to evil in the next panel, where we have Szell-ery. This character is a Nazi Dentist, which is just about the worst kind of human being that exists this side of a rap musician. Played by Sir Lawrence Olivier in the movie "Marathon Man", the character of Herr Szell uses dental drills to torture people as part of his diamond smuggling plans. (Yes, it's true -- the movie has very little to do with long distance running.) Showing his versatility, Sir Larry also played a Nazi hunter (based on the real life crusader for justice, Simon Wiesenthal) in "The Boys From Brazil", which was not really about the vibrant culture of South America, either.

Good lord, just imagine what sort of horror film you could make with a Nazi Dentist Rapper Teletubby. I shudder at the thought.

Anyway, the final panel brings us back to the good side of life. Aunt Bee'ns. (Yes, even though her full name is Beatrice, she spells it like the flying insect or the spelling contest, eschewing the standard truncation "Bea".) She is a good-hearted old matron, who knows the value of hearty meals and fancy hats, and takes care of Opie as if he were really her son. So, even though Opie didn't grow up with a mom either, at least he had someone to whom he could give a card on Mother's Day. (Of course, he still had to deal with being named Opie and having Barney Fife as an elder mentor, so he definitely had the cards stacked against him.)

In any case, I hope you've been inspired to eat your vegetables, and I hope you experienced a glorious Mother's Day weekend. Let's roll with this weekend's momentum and try to be a little nicer to ALL our loved ones throughout the coming weeks, OK?

Have a great Monday!