Freedom

Hey, it's good to be back. I must've started a couple dozen blogs over the last 3 weeks, but never was able to string together enough coherent sentences to finalize a post.

Whaddaya mean, lack of coherence never stopped me from posting before? C'mon, man, that's totally uncalled for. (Well, maybe not totally...)

Anyway, if I were a hack writer, this is where I would throw in a cliché about a "perfect storm" of personal events that conspired to spin my peaceful existence into the churning whirlpool of the toilet bowl of life...threatening to flush my very existence down into a sewer of self-pity and ill health.

But thanks to my first-class KU Journalism education, I consistently endeavor to avoid such language, and will instead provide concise descriptions of the actual circumstances that led to the extensive drought that so egregiously afflicted my normally fertile fields of fun-filled bloggery, leaving nothing but parched and arid silence where literary excellence formerly grew.

Here's what happened:

• Since I apparently have the exact opposite of the Teela Brown gene, my efforts to obtain retirement financing via lottery purchases have thus far gone unrewarded.


• This government/big-oil conspiracy to keep me from my rightful life of decadent leisure has necessitated my continued participation in the American workforce, which includes a continuing obligation to show up at the office and perform the tasks listed within my job description.


• My job description includes working on proposals. And since the proposal teams I typically work with subscribe to the "ain't no reason to ever leave the office" philosophy, I spent the majority of the last 6 months or so chained to a desk engaged in activities designed to enrich psychotherapists, carpal tunnel surgeons, and/or morticians.


• Without the benefit of weekends off, relaxing evenings, or exposure to sunlight, several key body systems begin to deteriorate. Nutritious meals are forgone in favor of quick calories. Workouts are skipped in the interest of catching up on work backlog. Brain cells are sacrificed at the alter of status meetings and futile repetition. Orson Welles intellects are reduced to Emo Phillips mentalities, while body proportions move in the opposite direction. In other words, I got out of shape, gained weight, dropped dozens of IQ points, and lost touch with friends. All of this made me pretty grumpy.


• With apologies to Hemingway and Andy Rooney, I would assert that being grumpy does not lead to productivity or quality in writing. Ergo, my blogging has suffered.

But the nonstop string of proposal assignments has temporarily been broken, and I have a brief reprieve. Therefore, I plan to return to semi-regular posting, and will strive to explore the topics that no one else has the guts to touch...such as "Why does Yoplait have such wierd containers?" Sure, I suppose there is some market-distinction value in having a recognizable product shape; but I would think it would be offset by the consumer annoyance generated by having such a small opening at the top. Like most manly men, I prefer to eat my yogurt with a tablespoon (as opposed to using a girlish teaspoon), and the darn utensil barely fits. I guess my ultimate preference would be to procure yogurt (or pudding, or any other non-solid food item) in a container you could disassemble to allow access to every last ounce of creamy pie-like nutrition. Rather than struggle to manuever a large spoon in an enclosed space, you could spread the thing apart like an Eskimo Pie wrapper and go at it until it's so clean you don't even have to rinse before tossing it in the recycling bin.

So -- In addition to food packaging debates, I will also share a report of my recent trip to Kansas, an update on my recovery from shin splints, an introduction to the American Patriots History Association, and an article about the start of the bicycling season. There is much to discuss, my friends, and I'm looking forward to staying in touch. Please feel free to bug me if it looks like I'm going back into slacker mode -- every little bit of support is appreciated. Thanks, and have a great day!