Healthcare
I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. But there are a few things I've learned over a lifetime of bumps and bruises and bugs.
- Most real doctors are not lovable cut-ups like Hawkeye Pearce or the guys from Scrubs, and real nurses are rarely the sassy "slap you upside the head" characters that you see in every single TV hospital. Oh, you might run into the occasional Marcus Welby type, or somebody who resembles one of the minions that Dr. House abuses...but most doctors present absolutely no danger of going all Patch Adams on you. They're just regular guys who worked really hard in school, and now are just trying to get through the workday without having anyone vomit on them.
- Doctors have plenty of tools for dealing with acute and obvious problems, but have a much harder time dealing with chronic and/or hidden maladies. In other words, if your leg is bent 90° at some point other than your knee (ie, Joe Theisman syndrome), then they'll patch you right up, and are likely to be 100% successful. If you accidentally drink a quart of Janitor-in-a-Drum, they'll hook you up to various pumps and IVs, and will have you back on the job quicker than you can say "Pat Robertson". But if you show up and say something like "It hurts when I swim butterfly", they'll more than likely answer with "Then don't swim butterfly." If you say "I think I have shin splints from running," they'll most likely say "That's what happens when you eat so much ice cream, ya lard ass. Deal with it."
In other words, if there's no bleeding, and you're not exactly sure what caused your problem...well, you're likely to get a pretty vague diagnosis. "Um...I guess you should rest. And heck, why not take a few generic drugs for a while? Couldn't hurt. And just for good measure, why don't you stop watching "Glee" for a week or two." - Kids today think that the expression "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" means that they can use their iPad to search for medical advice online. They probably don't even realize that there was a time in ancient history (ie, during my youth) when doctors actually would come to your house...and when any legitimate physician would certainly own a small black satchel containing a stethoscope, a bundle of sterile fat popsicle sticks, and assorted glass vials full of potions and pills.
- OK, I'll confess -- I know I don't eat enough apples, and probably won't ever be able to make myself do it, either...unless I bake them with cheese and pepperoni toppings, or coat them in chocolate and peanuts. But if I've learned anything from the media over the years, it's that my health problems are not the result of my own negligence in nutrition, or mistakes in exercise form...they are 100% caused by inadequate legislation. If we can just get more congressional control over doctors, restaurants, clothing manufacturers, and the weather, then we'll all be fine.
I'm taking advantage of this. Since my self-treatment (RICE) hasn't yet cured my shin splints, I thought I'd see if the professionals might have better luck. They don't have X-ray equipment, but the staff was friendly and professional, and after poking and prodding me for a bit, concluded that I probably didn't have a stress fracture. The diagnosis was "inflammation", and therefore the treatment is anti-inflamatories. So...I'll be taking massive doses of Naproxen for the next week or so, and am hoping that my leg stops bugging me and I can return to full-spectrum activity.
I'll also try to maximize apple intake, and cut back on the chocolate and ice cream. I'll let you know if any of these treatments make any difference. In the meantime, I'll take my drugs and hope for the best!
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home