Quiz

As your self-appointed arbiter of class, quality, and family values, I am pleased to present a brief educational quiz, complete with an answer key at the end of the column. All you have to do is select the answer that you think represents MY favorite item of each category, which is therefore the indisputably correct answer.

Let us begin.

1. Favorite Star:
     A. Wars
     B. Trek
     C. Search
     D. Kist Tuna

2. Favorite Rocky:
     A. Road
     B. Balboa
     C. the Flying Squirrel
     D. Mountain High

3. Favorite Arnold:
     A. Schwarzenegger
     B. Ziffel
     C. Drummond
     D. from Happy Days

4. Favorite Maynard:
     A. Maynard Ferguson
     B. John Maynard Keynes
     C. Maynard G. Krebbs
     D. "Country" Don Maynard

5. Favorite Pig:
     A. Babe
     B. Porky
     C. Arnold
     D. Peter Percival Patterson's Pet

6. Favorite Chester
     A. Goode
     B. Alan Arthur
     C. Atkins
     D. Cheetah

7. Favorite Michael
     A. Jackson
     B. Jordan
     C. Phelps
     D. J. Fox

8. Favorite Hick Town
     A. Hootersville
     B. Bug Tussle
     C. Mt. Pilot
     D. Wichita

9. Favorite Greedy Sycophant
     A. Larry Tate
     B. Milburn Drysdale
     C. Waylon Smithers
     D. Jackie Chiles

10. Favorite Catwoman
     A. Julie Newmar
     B. Eartha Kitt
     C. Lee Meriwether
     D. Halle Berry

Answer Key (and Assorted Fun Facts):

Give yourself one point for each correct answer, and subtract one for each egregiously wrong answer. A score of "10" indicates that you are exactly like me, and therefore intelligent, handsome, self-confident, and likely to be shunned by almost all of polite society. (Either that or you somehow understand how my mind works, in which case you should probably seek professional help immediately.) A score in the negative numbers indicates that you are probably from France.

1.  The "Sorry Charlie" campaign from StarKist Tuna was a memorable effort, notable mainly for being the first advertising blitz to feature a suicidal main character whose goal was to be filleted and eaten. Despite the bizarre nature of this concept, they managed to make Charlie seem cool. It is rumored that the character of Hannibal Lecter was inspired by these ads.

Star Wars is a classic, of course, and has touched the lives of most Americans in deeply significant ways (eg, the nearly universal adoption of the phrase "I know" in response to the words "I love you." Also, the fact that over 20% of newborn babies are now named either "Han", "Leia", or "Lando", and that Jabba the Hutt has replaced Orson Welles as the most insulting thing to call a fat person.) But Star Wars, despite its success, is merely entertainment. Star Trek is a glorious vision of the Future and a guiding light toward which we all must aspire.

And by that I mean we should definitely be building phasers and photon torpedos so we can hold off those @*#$! Klingons and Borg when they finally attack.

Anyway, give yourself one point for Trek, and subtract one if you picked the trailer trash reality show, Star Search.

2.  Subtract one if you chose Rocky Mountain High, because, seriously, that's just totally gay. The others are all good answers, and there are days when a good bowl of Rocky Road contains the true secret to happiness and contentment. But we have to go with "Flying Squirrel" here, because the whole idea for this quiz was based on MY childhood influences, and nothing was more significant in developing my outlook on life, religion, literature, etc. than Bullwinkle and his begoggled airborne rodent pal. One point for answer C.

3.  This is a close one, because everybody loved Gary Coleman. He would've also made a great Governor of California, and one cannot understate the significance of adding the word "whatchoo" to the dictionary. And while Pat Morita was fairly insignificant in Happy Days, he was great as Mr. Miyagi...and gave us one of the few strong male role models to teach us that it's OK for diminutive adults to beat the snot out of neighborhood teenage punks. I only wish he'd have used that philosophy (and associated kung fu) on that annoying dweeb, Potsy.

Anyway, give yourself one point if you chose Arnold Ziffel. I'm not 100% sure he would win in a battle with the Terminator, but I still think it's the way to bet.

4.  This one might've fooled some folks, since I was recently talking about how the hipness of Mr. Krebs. But despite the fact that he put the "beat" in "beatnik", the correct answer is Maynard Ferguson. That dude had some serious chops.

But I'm also going to allow you a point if you chose "Country" Don Maynard, just because of his relative obscurity. He was a wide receiver for the NY Jets during the Joe Namath era, and was featured in a commercial that made a huge impression on me at the time. This link contains many fascinating examples of unique and novel advertising of the era, and I'd recommend watching the entire thing. But if you only want the context for this particular quiz question, skip to the 5:07 mark in the video. (You'll also note the lovely singing voice of quite possibly the only person ever to be named "Bake".)

5.  Haven't you been paying attention at all? See question 3 above. Geez. One point for Arnold. Minus one for any of the other answers, though you get back one extra-credit point if you can accurately imitate Porky, and use this skill in the appropriate social situations.

6.  Chester Goode was the name of Dennis Weaver's character on Gunsmoke. Weaver is also notable for living in Colorado and building his home out of used tires and other garbage, as well as playing Deputy McCloud on NBC's mystery theatre. But perhaps his strongest claim to fame is playing the lead role in Stephen Spielberg's first major film, "Duel", which is a chilling tale of a road trip gone bad. If you haven't seen it, you should definitely put it in your Netflix queue.

Subtract one point if you didn't know that Chester A. Arthur was President of the United States. C'mon—study your American history, people!

There is no deduction for choosing Chester Cheetah, because Cheetos are quite yummy and I can't blame you for enjoying their spokesperson, even though he's really kinda creepy in some indefinable way. But you only get a positive point if you selected Chester "Chet" Atkins.

7.  This should've been an easy one for anyone who pays attention. One point for choosing Michael Phelps -- he's a swimmer, after all, and therefore one of humanity's finest. Subtract one, though, if you chose Jackson, who was WAY creepier than Chester Cheetah.

8.  Mt. Pilot is a real town in North Carolina, and is frequently mentioned in The Andy Griffith show. But I honestly have no idea whether it's a hick town or not. I just thought it was slightly more obscure than "Mayberry", and therefore a more interesting selection for the quiz. No points though.

You do get one extra credit point if you noticed the "s" in Hooterville and said to yourself, "Oh yes, that IS the correct spelling, dahling". And Hootersville is the correct answer, so give yourself a point if that was your selection. Yes, I know that Bug Tussle is the hometown of Jed Clampet, and therefore has a significant place on the National Register...but since it wasn't ever revealed in all its glory like Hooterville, we have to go with the home of Drucker's Store and the Volunteer Fire Department Band.

Oh, and FYI, Wichita is where I spent my youth. I shall restrict my comments to that statement alone, and leave you to think what else you may.

9.  Waylon (aka "Wayland") Smithers is the very definition of a sycophant, but doesn't exhibit any particular greediness. And while Jackie Chiles appears to be quite greedy, he doesn't really suck up all that much. So you can eliminate both those answers.

(Side note: Jackie Chiles was portrayed by Phil Morris, who is the son of Greg Morris, my favorite actor on the old "Mission Impossible" series. And for future reference in the "potential quiz question" arena, Mission Impossible just could be the answer to "Favorite TV Show Theme"... Well, either that or Hawaii Five-0.)

Larry Tate is indeed a strong candidate in this category, but the correct answer is Milburn Drysdale, hands down.

10.  If you chose answer D. (Halle Berry), subtract one point. While obviously a talented actress and a beautiful woman, she wasn't ever a real Catwoman. Catwoman requires Batman, and that leaves only the other three candidates from which to choose. (Yes, I do recognize the existence of Michelle Phillips, but c'mon...she was in the Mamas and Poppas, and therefore tainted with the Mama Cass factor, which is most un-Batman-esque. Subtract one point if you'd have chosen her had she been listed.)

The correct answer is Julie Newmar. Yes, I realize that she is also tainted with non-Batman stink by her association with Patrick Swayze and Wong Foo et al, but her performance on the TV show stands above all that. While I do enjoy and admire the portrayals presented by both Kitt and Meriwether, I felt that Newmar was the only one who really sold the whole sexual tension dynamic with the Caped Crusader. And she did the "purr-fect" line with more animal undertones than the others.

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So—that concludes today's exam. During the course of developing the answer key, I thought of a few more categories that might be fun, so I may develop a follow-up sometime in the near future. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. If you scored well, congratulations!—You're an outstanding human being! If you scored poorly, then you probably need to spend some significant time exploring the YouTube links and their associated sidebars until you gain the proper cultural understanding and knowledge. If I have helped you begin this journey toward self-enlightenment, then I am proud to have been of service.

Continue to seek knowledge, my friends, and always watch the skies. Have a great day!