Influences

My earliest memories include the normal childhood stuff: like tormenting my little brother, making fun of my dorky sister, and playing Cowboys and Indians with my best friend, Herbert the Pervert. (Of course, we didn't call him Herbert the Pervert back then...he was still just plain Herbie.) I listened to rock n' roll AM radio, constructed enormous cities out of simple wooden blocks, and roasted ants with a magnifying glass. I learned to ride a bike, throw a baseball, and keep a wary eye out for indicators of Communism, just like every other American youth of the time.

But for me, the most enduring memories are of those who shaped my life, educated me, and molded me into the man I am today. I am speaking, of course, of television personalities.

In no particular order, I'll provide a brief summary of my childhood TV memories, and the impact they had on me:

Jackie Gleason: My mom really enjoyed this guy...which led to my earliest memory of questioning the wisdom of adults in authority. To me, Gleason was an obnoxious slob who wasn't at all funny. Of course, I never saw the Honeymooners episode where Ralph dresses up as a spaceman. (I understand it's a classic.)

Ed Sullivan: The Beatles, Herman's Hermits, Elvis, Señor Wences, and Topo Gigio—all introduced by a skeletor-ish gnome who was painfully easy to impersonate. What more could you want?

Actually, the major lesson I learned from Ol' Ed is that variety is the spice of life. In other words, a person's attention span needs to be no longer than 2 minutes and 45 seconds; oh, and also that spinning plates is a viable profession.

(Hmm. Perhaps this explains my lack of long-term career stability. Curse you, Ed.)

The Smothers Brothers: Hey, I still wish Pat Paulsen were President.

The Bradley Girls: Petticoat junction not only aroused my curiosity about women (eg, Why would human beings subject themselves to such bulky and unwieldy undergarments?), but also generated a lifetime tendency to be highly suspicious of the purity of small-town water supplies. Fortunately, I later realized that the whole "petticoats" thing was an artifact of a WWII nylon shortage, and that women weren't stupid at all...they were merely oppressed by the male-dominated patriarchy, and by burning bras and protesting and whatnot, would eventually achieve their rightful place as near-equals to men. (Except in sports, of course.)

But the most important legacy of this TV show was that it gave producer Paul Henning the resources and TV clout he needed to bring "Green Acres" and "The Beverly Hillbillies" to life. And I don't think I need to tell you how much these two shows influenced me; they were simply the deepest and most important philosophical explorations into the nature of humanity and its place in the Universe since Plato wrote "Dust in the Wind".

Batman and the Monkees: Not only did Batman bring us the timeless comic genius of Adam West, but it also taught me techniques that I would use later, when I began to explore the mysteries of dating and romance. The Monkees taught me that wearing a poof-ball stocking cap was cool, along with many other fashion tips that I still implement in my wardrobe today.

And of course, the big one:

Star Trek: I could spend the next several weeks detailing the myriad ways that Captain Kirk and his crew influenced my life. But there's no need, since I'm sure that everyone reading this could tell the same tales. The folks of the Enterprise taught us all about the need to balance logic with unbridled emotion, to understand the application of both diplomacy and karate chops, and to phaser-stun all hippies and banish Ricardo Montalban to Ceti Alpha 6. They taught us the importance of diversity, the joy of exploration, and that freedom is more important than large piles of quatloos.

To this day, I have never lost my fascination with space travel, and every decision I make today is run through the filter of WWKD: What would Kirk do? It hasn't worked out all that well for me, since I don't have Scotty there to bail me out when I get in trouble, but it's my strategy and I'm sticking to it. But every day still presents the opportunity to explore strange new worlds, and to seek out new life and new civilizations, etc. (even if it's rather metaphorical when applied to my little neighborhood).

Oh well, life is good and I have no complaints (as long as the hippies remain banished, anyway). Stay tuned for more influences-related musings, and have a great day!