More Thoughts About Food

Why haven’t they invented pitless peaches? We have seedless watermelons, and they’re much bigger and had many more seeds to get rid of. If genetic science could create an Ivan Drago, surely they could get rid of a few crummy peach pits. Am I right?

I think we should stop worrying about the gulf oil spill and instead spend the money on research to remove ANY impediments from eating food. After all, who needs fish in the gulf when they have plenty of fish sandwiches over at McDonalds? We need to be able to eat without having to work so hard, right? Wouldn't that be worth a few asphalt-covered beaches and pompadour-wearing sea lions?

[Note to PETA Terrorists: Of course I'm kidding! Geez, dudes, lighten up! I know that we have no higher priority as a nation than to make the Iranians pay for the Gulf crisis and its cleanup, and that each and every humpback whale, harbor seal, and gefilte fish living in that area deserves to live a life free of pollution (other than their own poop, of course).]

Anyway, in addition to removing all seeds from fruits, we should grow oranges you don’t need to peel, corn you don’t need to shuck, and pancake batter that already has the smile-shaped crispy bacon slices pre-embedded in the proper location. And the greatest advance of all would probably be edible candy-bar wrappers, so you don't have to expend so many precious calories in working to open the package.

(And what's up with the "Tear here" arrows that don't point to the right place on the package? I can't tell you how many times I've needed to pull out the BenGay after struggling to rip unrippable cellophane when the labeling implies that ingress could be accomplished by anyone, including Paris Hilton and Rob Schneider. I don't get it.)

And I guess we should also make clothing that you can wear when preparing food so you don’t get your work clothes all spotted.

What? An apron, you say? Well, OK, I guess they do make such a thing. And the hilarious captioning potential is enormous, isn't it? “Kiss the Cook”, “World’s Greatest Chef”, and the Robert DeNiro “You Talkin’ Ta Me?” designs are just a few of the classics that come to mind. But I've never been a big fan of aprons, partly because of their resemblance to hospital gowns, and partly because wearing an apron with style also requires wearing one of those tall poofy chef hat things, and I have no idea where you go to buy one. I know they exist, and must be readily available...but I've never seen one on the shelves at King Soopers. Hmm.

Anyway, the point is that any advances in food simplicity are to be applauded and pursued. After all, didn't the hamburger provide a vast improvement over steak, merely by being edible without the need for utensils? And didn't Spam advance the state of the art by combining all sorts of food goodness into one simple loaf, rather than requiring a person to purchase all the various animal parts and additives separately? I say yes, and I enthusiastically look forward to the day when ANY food can be eaten without the need for effort on the part of the consumer.

And that, my friends, is why we desperately need to continue funding NASA and the Space Program. Remember "Space Food Sticks"? That's what we're talking about...

...if only the packages weren't so darned hard to open.

Oh well, I suppose it's time for me to go get my daily fruit serving portion via the delicious convenience of a Pop Tart. Have a great day!