Henchmen Superstars

I would argue that Oddjob is the best henchman ever, though honorable mention would have to go to Richard Kiel's "Jaws", Wez, Tony P (defender of Disco), and of course, Gary Busey. The qualities that make for top-shelf henching include fanatic devotion to the cause, ruthless cruelty, intimidating physical presence, and sometimes, a steel-brimmed hat.

OK, OK, I hear your complaints -- I suppose I could also include the Darths (Vader and Maul) on the list. Sigh. I suppose a red light saber does lend some Oddjob-style hipness to their Imperial henchitude, but the fact that wussy-ass Luke also wields a similar weapon detracts from the uniqueness required for true henchman awesomeness. On the other hand, the devil-face 'n horns thing and the heavy-breathing helmet-mask costume add back some pretty serious uniqueness points, so I guess it's a wash.

The jury is out on the cape, though. In general, capes work well for the main villain (or on a hero for that matter), but usually seem a bit overstated for the lower-level enforcer types. Vader wears it well, though, so I guess I won't complain.



But speaking of the Darths, the two of them provide pretty good examples regarding the vocal requirements of the genre. Basically, the rules for henchman speech demand that you choose one of these two options:

1) Be James Earl Jones,
or
2) Don't say anything.

You can do a Banshee scream (Wez), or utter the occasional threat or intimidating growl...but the scariest guys are the ones who keep their thoughts to themselves. Or if you have a hench-duo tandem team, you can have one talker and one strong and silent type:



The other type of speech allowed is the kind necessary for plot exposition. Simon Bar Sinister's henchman Cad (who probably has the best henchman name ever) routinely discusses the plans with his boss. I suppose there's no requirement for an evil mastermind to have a conversation partner; it's well known that madmen often soliloquize about their megalomania...but in Cad's case, the dialog works to emphasize the dichotomy between rational thought and the twisted rantings of the arch-villain. I suppose that "Rock Bottom" provides the same sort of dramatic device for "The Professor" within the Felix milieu.

And yes, I do consider cartoons to be a literary art form worthy of serious academic discussion and analysis. Why do you ask? Are you one of those pretentious ignoramuses who think that Hemingway and Faulker are somehow better than Underdog and Bullwinkle? If so, then I feel sorry for you. I pity the fool who doesn't understand that today's TV and movie pop culture are heavier and deeper than soggy old garbage like "Moby Dick". (Well, OK, maybe that was a bad example, since the ocean is very deep, and whales are very heavy...but you know what I mean.) I would argue that phrases such as "One point twenty-one jiggawatts!" have done more to educate and inspire people than drivel like "To be, or not to be," which doesn't even make sense, unless you're this guy.

And with that, I shall leave you to your own thoughts. I may have more to say about henchmen later (after all -- we haven't yet discussed the advantages of having all your henchmen wear identical uniforms, or the mystery of where Bond villains get all their thousands of expendable employees or the capital to hire them prior to the first laser-based ransom demand), but for the moment we should probably each return to our own plans for world domination and our Internet searches for aerodynamic steel-brimmed derbies. Enjoy yourself, and have a great day!