Low-Budget Sci Fi

Yes, I know I shouldn't waste time watching bad movies when I can't even post a two-paragraph blog every day. I should also work out more, put more effort into making money, and irritate my son with additional unwanted parental morality lectures. But sometimes, the siren song of science fiction is too much to resist.

Let me clarify: It's not actually TV...it's NetFlix on-demand programming (which might just be the greatest invention since the Chia-Head). There's a ton of stuff you can watch online, without even having to wait for a DVD in the mail. Sometimes when I'm brain dead (no comments from the peanut gallery, please), I find myself searching through the lists of zombie and/or robot movies, hoping to discover a hidden treasure among the dreck.

Lo and behold -- they've made a movie called "Princess of Mars"! Could it actually be the Edgar Rice Burroughs classic? I had to check it out. Sure enough, the synopsis said "John Carter of Virginia battles for the love of a princess on the mysterious planet of Barsoom." How was I unaware of this?

For non-geek readers (if there are any attending this particular blog site), Edgar Rice Burroughs is the fellow who is best known for writing "Tarzan", but also wrote a bookcase full of novels about adventures on Mars and at the center of the Earth. The stories are generally considered science fiction, though the "science" makes Star Wars look like a CalPoly doctoral thesis by comparison. In other words, these are ripping great stories, but you definitely need "suspension of disbelief" by the boatload.

"A Princess of Mars" is a love story, with plenty of action. John Carter is a Virginia gentleman and soldier who happens to suddenly find himself transported to Mars, where he meets the incomparable Dejah Thoris, who happens to be the planet's most influential princess and hottest babe. His Earthly muscles and unparalled fencing skills give him an advantage over the Martians ("Barsoomians", in their language), even the 10-foot tall green ones with extra arms. In short order he becomes the most feared fighter on the planet, and gets to kill a whole bunch of bad guys in his quest to protect his princess.


This book has been around for nearly a century, and has millions of geekwad fans worldwide. A movie based on the story would have a HUGE built-in audience, and would therefore have gigantic production and promotion budgets, right? They'd get Jennifer Connelly and Duane "The Rock" Johnson to star in it, and hire the best CG guys to create the monsters and stuff.

Well...apparently not. They got Traci Lords, Antonio Sabato, Jr., and a couple gallons of latex makeup. Ugh.


I've got nothing against these actors, but despite Traci's fine acting work in the past (Talk Dirty to Me Part II, Married with Children, etc), she didn't exactly provide the "irresistable beauty" and charm required by this role. And she wasn't nearly brunette enough. Sabato is OK, I suppose, though his swordsmanship is klunky at best, and his appeal as the love interest of the princess is notably absent.

For some inexpliable reason, the producers made the pre-Mars John Carter a sniper in the middle east, who runs afoul of some drug dealers...one of whom is also transported to Mars (which for some reason, is no longer in our own solar system). This drug lord becomes Carter's nemesis on Mars, and seems to be the lifelong warrior's equal in fighting skills. The Tharks don't have enough arms, are barely 6 feet tall, and wear those $2 cotton work gloves you get at 7-11 so the filmmakers didn't have to use any makeup on their hands.

They never mention the low gravity and its benefits to John Carter, and the only evidence you see of it is that he can jump like the Hulk and hurl people 50 feet when he wishes to dash them upon the rocks. He uses these powers with great restraint, though, and in fact seems pretty wimpy in the few battles the movie does decide to share with the viewers. The rest of the time, well, he talks a lot.

In short, this is a terrible movie. And yes, I admit that I am a pinhead for watching it from start to finish (though you have to give me partial intelligence credit for being able to do the dishes and wash a load of socks during the film. I didn't miss anything, I assure you.) The dreaded Thark warlord appears to be about one sneeze away from losing his tusks (they wobble wildly when he talks), and there are numerous scenes where you can see the lower flap of his latex mask protruding from inside his shirt. Everything about this movie is just terrible.

But I watched it. And I'm pretty sure it won't be the last crappy sci fi movie I get myself sucked into. I may have the discipline to avoid flotsam like the SyFy Channel's "Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus", but when there's a film based on a classic book, I'll probably check it out. (I even watched "I, Robot" and "Bicentennial Man". Ugh.) I'm anxiously awaiting "Ender's Game" -- though they'll probably cast Zac Efron and make it a musical.

Oh well, at least you loyal readers can rely upon me to pre-screen these abominations for you. And you trust me to point out when one of them IS actually good. So, my friends, today's advice is: Go rent "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".

You're welcome. Have a great day!