World Cup

The one thing that soccer actually gets right is the fact that it's called "football" in the rest of the world. After all, it is played primarily with the feet...much more so than the sport to which we Americans apply that name. But otherwise...

No, I'm not going to go there. I'm just not. Everybody and their dog has already posted rants about what a colossally boring game soccer is, how annoying the fans are, and how we should nuke every country that doesn't have a McDonalds, etc etc. I suspect that none of you wants to read another list of questions like "How can they play the stupid game for an hour without scoring when the freakin' net is 30-feet wide?" and "Why don't they wear more pads on their legs fergawshsakes?" That would be almost as boring as the game itself. And it would just be too easy to fill a column with comparisons against more action-packed and exciting games. Like baseball.

No, the topic I want to explore today is why the tournament is called a "Cup". Oh, I can see the "World" part of it, since there is representation from a multitude of countries, many of which have iPod-to-teenager ratios below the Mendoza line. But unlike, say, the Stanley Cup -- which can actually hold liquid (though I suspect that only Andre the Giant would consider it to be "cup"-sized) -- the World Cup trophy doesn't possess anything remotely resembling cuplike features. In fact, it's a rather frightening thing, appearing to have the fellow from "The Scream" melting in flames while he's about to be crushed by an incoming asteroid. Doesn't seem like something you'd describe with the adjective "coveted", does it?


The fact of the matter is that most trophies are pretty stupid. They tend to take the form of an implement of the sport (eg, a ball, shoe, or bowling pin, etc) or a copy of the Silver Surfer in a pose no human would ever assume. Swimming trophies are especially bad, since the proto-model for the "getting ready to dive" pose predates Johnny Weismuller by a couple of centuries. But I can understand that idea -- since the look of a sport like swimming may change rapidly, it doesn't make sense to update the trophy paradigm every few years. I mean, full-body neoprene suits are legal...then they aren't -- shaved heads are in, and then it's all about logo-imprinted caps, etc. You can't expect the sculptors to keep up.

When you think about it, though, all awards have some of the same difficulties. Other than displaying it in a diorama, what can you do with a medal? You could wear it on a ribbon around your neck, I suppose, but unless you're at a White House dinner or something, you'd look pretty darned silly -- not to mention the problems you'd have with it banging against stuff every time you bent over to use a drinking fountain or whatever. And I suspect that most people would consider a living-room trophy case or office-cubicle wall display to be a bit overstated, especially for us weekend warrior types who only pick up award hardware because we attend events that the real athletes don't attend.

Anyway, the point is that the soccer championships should be called "The World Futbol Tournament" and its trophy "The Hideous Flaming Amorphous Dude Being Crushed By a Planet". And a "cup" should be used to hold beverages, not to represent athletic accomplishment (or recognition of parenting skills, or whatever). Unfortunately, I have no suggestions for what sorts of tangible awards would be a better choice for the victors to receive. I guess I'll have to go think about it. In the meantime, please enjoy your God-given right as an American to ignore soccer and to make fun of its billions of fans. And have a great day!

NOTE: No need to write your congressman; I am aware that "Wilson" is not a soccer ball. The use of that image in a blog about a completely different sport is what we writers call "artistic license". Thank you for your support.