Can We Get a Do-Over?

Sometimes, all it takes is the perspective of a little time to help people realize they voted for the wrong person. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a way to go back in time and correct these mistakes?

I'm talking about Oscar winners, of course. You wonder if there isn't some sort of conspiracy -- Sometimes, the voters get it SO wrong.

The most obvious mistake, of course, is "Out of Africa"...one of the very few movies that actually made me barf up my Junior Mints. A terrible film on so many levels; I'd never choose to see it on my own...but sometimes you do things for a woman that you severely regret later. (I learned my lesson, though -- never again would I pay money for anything with the word "Streep" attached to it. Ugh.) However, "Africa" may not be the worst movie to ever win an Oscar, and quite frankly, I expect the winning film to be terrible each year. The Academy members vote for those movies because they want to appear "deep", when in reality I suspect that (with the obvious exception of Chuck Norris), they're really pretty moronic.

No, my gripe with "Out of Africa" isn't that it was horrible, or even that it didn't have any of the stuff you normally go to see Africa movies for -- my complaint is that a little film called "Back to the Future" was released that same year. Seriously, people, what kind of a world do we live in where "Back to the Future" isn't considered the best film of the year? (The only year where there would've even been competition is the year "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" was released, but it wasn't nominated either. Something is wrong with this Universe.)

But I digress. The thought process that initiated this discussion began when I decided to pick up a bake-at-home pizza for lunch. There's a Papa Murphy's just across the street, and they were having a sale on their "Cowboy Pizza", which sounded good to me, even though I'm not sure Matt Dillon or Billy the Kid would have any idea what a pizza was. (I'm not sure such a delicacy existed even in Roger Staubach's day, to be honest.)

Anyway, as I was standing there watching them prepare the pizza (and reminding them that there was no need for black olives on a pizza, ever) I started wondering why guys who own pizzarias so often want to be called "Papa". Perhaps there's some Italian cultural imperative I don't understand, but it seems to me that calling yourself "Papa" does not automatically bestow magical pasta chef powers upon you, nor does it imply that you have any special ability to wrangle yeast, cheese, or marinara sauce. Perhaps it does imply a certain jovial nature and family orientation (which may have customer appeal), but it just seems a bit archaic to me.

And that thought process led to wondering whether Papa Murphy bore any relationship to Father Murphy, who was a guy on a spin-off of Little House on the Prairie, which I never actually watched because I heard that it was so sappy that watching it would turn you gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Anyway, Little House on the Prairie was produced by Michael Landon, who is just one of the many celebrities who have had the pleasure of shaking my hand. And therein lies the tale.

Back in 1984, I got tickets to the World Premier of a movie called "Sam's Son". Why anyone would hold a movie premier in Littleton (and fly Michael Landon in on a helicopter for it), I have no idea. I also don't remember how I managed to score tickets to this event, but it seems to me that demand wasn't all that great if I remember correctly. Anyway, "Sam's Son" was another one of those millions of movies about high school javelin throwers (which may explain its lack of popularity -- I mean seriously, are there even any high school javelin throwers?) The clever thing about the title was that the kid felt that his spear-chucking powers were due to the fact that he didn't cut his hair (like Samson..."Sam's son" -- get it?) And the girl wanted him to cut it off, because, well...because you couldn't have the catchy Biblical title tie-in if she didn't.

When Landon's helicopter arrived and the star debarked, I was struck by two things. One, he had about 50 gallons of shellac in his hair, which made his carefully-applied suntan look even more out of place among the local Littletonites. And two, he was really short.

That shouldn't have been a surprise. Everybody knows that Hollywood tries to make guys look bigger than they really are. And after all, his character on Bonanza was called "Little" Joe. But he was always beating guys up on that show, and so I guess I was expecting a fellow who at least came up to my shoulders.

But I'm digressing again. What I'm trying to say is that the movie was supposedly based on Landon's life (yes, he really did throw the javelin in high school, and was actually pretty good at it -- I'm not sure about the hair thing, though). And Eli Wallach played the role of the titular Sam, whose son was the kid based on Landon's life. This Sam dude was a movie projectionist who made his kid work at the theater, which explains how Little Joe became enamored with the idea of becoming a Hollywood thespian.

It was actually a pretty decent little movie.

But the ever-elusive point is that Eli Wallach is one of my all-time favorite actors! (You knew I'd eventually get to it sooner or later, didn't you?) He's been fabulous in every role he's ever played. But the true crime against humanity that inspired this blog is that he did NOT win an Oscar for what is arguably the best cinematic acting performance in history...the role of Tuco in "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly".


It's a travesty. Wallach was not even nominated. Do you know who won the Best Actor statue that year? Paul Scofield. Yes, Paul Scofield, whoever that is. Geez. Let's think about this for a second -- Eli Wallach movies are shown all the time...heck, GB&U plays at least every few weeks on one of the classic movie channels...but can anyone tell me the last time you saw a Paul Scofield movie featured in heavy rotation? Anyone?

I didn't think so. My friends, it is time to end this foolishness. We need to make our voices heard. When obviously correct choices are ignored by idiot voters and the wrong people win, we need to do what we can to correct those mistakes. So let us rise up, my friends, and work hard to make sure it never happens again!

OK, that's all I have to say. Let's watch one more clip, shall we? (Or just listen; the music is fantastic.) Thanks for your support, and have a great day!