Just a Gigolo

Tanner's mom kicked him out of the house Saturday night. No, it's not because he's an obnoxious teenager with questionable hygiene who doesn't contribute to household upkeep. In defiance of popular conceptions of jazz musicians, Tanner actually bathes regularly, takes out the trash every now and then, and is only obnoxious when he gets defensive after being questioned regarding his slavish devotion to the utterly ridiculous fad of wearing his pants down around his knees.

No, his mom kicked him out because she was hosting a chick party, and didn't want any hints of testosterone around to foul the atmosphere. Ergo, the plan was for him to spend the night at my place.

When I arrived to pick him up, his mom was preparing the house for the festivities. The theme for the party was "Johnny Depp", so she had rented every Johnny Depp movie on DVD, and had procured a couple of gigantic posters of the guy. Tanner and I were recruited to help hang the posters on the wall, so that the ladies would be able to totally immerse themselves in the Johnny Depp experience while they similarly immersed themselves in wine and feminine chitchat.

As for me, well, I thoroughly enjoyed "Pirates of the Carribean"...but have been completely mystified as to why anyone would watch any of Depp's other movies. He seems to choose films that fall into the "sensitive and deep" category (aka "utterly unwatchable crap"), and ends up portraying characters that you just want to punch in the nose.

And yet, for some reason, the chicks seem to dig him. I do not understand this at all. I mean, look at this photo -- oh sure, it contains a few elements that have traditionally represented manliness: the tattoos, facial hair, the smoke, the dirty undershirt worn haphazardly (suggesting the possibility of B.O.) -- but the overall impact of the composition appears to be intended to induce the viewer to watch "Will and Grace".

I mean, come on, try it yourself -- I defy you to assume that exact same pose and not feel the urge to buy new drapes and redecorate the living room. (Be sure to lift your pinkie finger like he's doing, and also half-close your eyes in that "ooh, I'm just so artistic!" kind of way.) And if you're still not feeling like putting on a tutu and speaking French, then see if you can find a room with curvy windows and pussywillow plants to complete the ambience.

I mean seriously, do you think guys like Chuck Norris and Harrison Ford have freakin' pussywillows next to their pianos? I don't think so.

Anyway, I hope the ladies enjoyed the party. But if you ever intend to invite me to a movie-star-themed party, let's go with Peter Weller or William H. Macy, OK?

After we finished hanging the posters, we headed over to the tennis courts to take advantage of the nice weather. Tanner, being a typical scatterbrained teenager, didn't know where his tennis racket was, so he grabbed his racquetball racket and played with that. It took him a while to get used to it -- I had him down 4 games to none before he really started hitting the ball well. By the end of the match, though, we were both playing pretty ferociously, and it came down to a tiebreaker.

Yeah, I let him win. At least that's my story...and I'm sticking to it.

We spent the rest of the day back at my place. I whomped up a batch of waffles, eggs, and sausage to keep the boy from starving after his display of athletic prowess on the tennis court. And in exchange for my culinary generousity, he provided the entertainment for the afternoon and into the evening. At first, he just got out the keyboard and played me a few of the tunes he's been working on, but later we went on the Internet and found some new songs for him to try. I really enjoyed that -- I'd find a jazz song on YouTube and would play it for him. He'd figure out the chord structure and then would play it back for me, usually with a few embellishments of his own. It's so much fun to receive these private concerts, and such a bargain...but it does make me wonder why we don't find a place for him to play where they'd actually pay him for it.

If you know of any piano bar, restaurant, or nightclub that might be in the market for a good keyboard player, please let us know. In the meantime, I'll leave you with a link to the song he was learning at the end of the day when I had to hang it up to get my beauty rest. The next time I get a chance to take the video camera over to capture him playing this song, I'll post his version on this site. Until then, please enjoy this rendition, and have a great day!