The Stages of a Cold

First there's that little anomalous feeling in the back of your throat where you think, "Hmm, that's odd." Then after it lingers for a bit, recognition sets in and you say to yourself, "Ah, 'tis the common cold virus come a-knockin'. This pleases me not."

Then it evolves into what the commercials call "Post Nasal Drip". A better name would be "aw, man, my throat's getting raw" -- but who am I to argue with the gurus of Big Medicine? Your first thoughts during this stage are that you can whip this via will-power and positive attitude (possibly aided by some extra Vitamin C, garlic, and ice cream). And trust me, I do think your attitude is terrifically important in determining how your response to the attack progresses...but sometimes even the most optimistic of us succumb to the next phase.

Your sinuses begin to clog. You start to sound funny. Your nose might run a bit. It might run a lot.

This is the point at which you typically begin to feel rotten. Your thought processes slow down, muscles weaken, enthusiasm for life begins to wane, and you desperately seek relief via sleep, symptom-fighting pharmaceuticals, or both. After that, you mope around (if you move at all), eventually begin coughing, and blow a lot of disgusting crud into a lot of kleenexes.

[Side note: One of my Journalism professors always warned against using a Brand Name as a regular noun, ie, "kleenex" in place of "facial tissue". I certainly agree with his reasoning (it's not fair to the company who owns the brand, it may not be accurate, it's erodes the foundation of the principles of advertising -- thus damaging the roots of commerce and therefore eventually weakening the very pillars of capitalism itself, etc)...but the jerk gave me a crummy "B" in that class, so screw it.]

I think we can all agree that colds are nasty business. Once the body's defenses rebound, though, each symptom slowly improves, until finally the drippage ends and you're just hacking out the occasional cough, while going about the rest of your business without complaint.

My latest cold has progressed exactly in this fashion except for one small thing: I've never felt bad at all. Oh I've had sinus drainage, phlegm coagulation, and chest cavity spasms from coughs and sneezes...but no lethargy, weakness, or brain-function impairment at all. I've been able to continue swimming, working out, and going to the office with no interruption, and no tanglible impact on my performance. It's weird, but I'll take it.

I do not know if it's just that the particular strain of cold virus going around this year is a wimpy one...or if my immune system is the phisiological analog of the US Military, and is strong enough to kick the crap out of anybody who messes with it. Either way, I'm very pleased that I've had no down time as a result of being infected, and expect to be through with the coughing in just a few more days.

Who knows? Maybe there's something medicinal about my diet; perhaps the daily combination of Diet Coke and chocolate-covered peanuts provides undocumented health-enhancement benefits. Or maybe it's just the cumulative effect of breathing swimming-pool chlorine fumes for all these years. In any case, I think it's wise to recommend that everyone should strive to be as much like me as possible if they want to get through their next cold with minimal lifestyle impact. Plus, it would just make the world a better place. Don't you agree?

In any case, I wish you all the best of health, and please accept my heartfelt wishes that you'll have a great day!