Domestic Chores

Some days, I'm just not in the mood to haul my buns out into a snowstorm to go for a run, and Saturday was one of those. It was cold, windy, and spitting frozen stuff from the sky, so my plan to go out and do a 12-miler in the canyon was tossed in the trash along with my orange peels and AARP membership solicitations.

I spent the morning doing laundry, spraying disinfectant cleaner on the kitchen countertops, and filing away all the paperwork that I'll look at in five years and wonder why I ever kept it in the first place. Then there's the vacuuming, which is actually a pretty swell thing to do on a cold and nasty day.

And if you'd allow me to digress for just a moment, I'll be happy to offer a word of advice on shopping for vacuum cleaners. In addition to testing the machine's suction, maneuverability, accessory availability, and general aesthetic appeal...make sure you pay attention to how much heat the darn thing puts out. I tested my current machine in the wide-open and well-ventilated aisles of Best Buy, and didn't realize until I got it home that it generates more BTUs than my furnace. Now, that's a dandy feature to have on a miserably cold winter day, but it totally sucks if you're trying to keep your house clean in the summertime.

Trust me. I am somewhat of an expert on vacuum cleaners. I sold the Rainbow brand machine during the summer before my final year of college, and learned all about airflow, dust-capture mechanisms, attachment/accessory utility, and a hundred reasons why owning a non-Rainbow brand clearly indicated your woeful inadequacy as a parent, as a spouse, and as a human being.

Their prospecting method was interesting: They mailed out flyers that said "You are guaranteed to have won between $2 and $1000", and all you had to do to claim your prize was to sit through a 1-hour demonstration of this "air-filtering mechanism". Once someone set up an appointment to claim their cash prize, I'd go out to their house with a big suitcase full of equipment. The first part of the demo was indeed about the Rainbow's awesome air filtering capabilities, and most people actually enjoyed the presentation up to that point. But whaddaya know? If you happen to stick a hose onto our little "air filter", why...Goodness Me...it also picks up dirt. And so it would go. By the end of the hour, you'd see how this miraculous device also shampoos the carpet, washes your car, grooms your pets, and enhances your social standing within the community. It's amazing!

Of course, it also costs more than sending your kid to Harvard. Oh, there's no doubt that it's a darn fine vacuum cleaner. But when it came time to ask the prospects to whip out their checkbooks and cough up their life's savings to have a slightly cleaner carpet than what they could get with the Hoover they already had...well, I just couldn't close the deal. And when I revealed that their "cash prize" was the nearly-inevitable $2 minimum, well, they were not often pleased.

Thus, my vacuum-cleaner sales career only lasted a couple of weeks. After that, I went back to my former job at the Home Oil Company and spent the rest of the summer filling gallon gas cans with Coleman fuel for $2.50/hour. But that's another story. Regardless --the fact that I didn't sell too many Rainbows doesn't at all diminish the validity of the education I received during the process. So, the bottom line is that you should listen to me when I talk about vacuums. OK?

So, check the heat output. And also test how easy it is to tip the darn thing over when you reach out with the nozzle. And don't be fooled by the "EZ dump" cannister emptying option -- it might indeed open and dump easily, but you're still gonna get dust and dirt all over the place when you perform that particular task. Just do it somewhere that allows for plenty of airborne filth escaping and floating around and sticking to stuff.

You're welcome. Stay tuned for future lessons on such domestic topics as "Things you should not microwave" and "What not to store on shelves that are above your head".

Anyway, after my chores, I did finally feel like running, and by then the weather had improved immensely. I ended up running down the bike path from my home over to where Tanner's band practices. I saw that the kids' cars were there, so I stopped in and asked for a private performance. They obliged. (I'll talk about their new music in future postings. Public performances will begin again in March. Stayed tuned for further info.) And thus musically fulfilled, I ran back home at an even faster pace than I had gone out.

And after running, I was warmed up enough that I didn't even feel the urge to do any more vacuuming. That's what I call having a good day.