American Idol

You'd think people who can't sing would realize they can't sing. Especially if they're going to go enter a singing competition. I mean, I love to hear my own powerfully sexy and melodic Barry-White-like voice crooning in the shower...but I recognize the fact that anyone else who heard it would probably think there was a badger caught in the garbage disposal.

I am not going to try out for American Idol.

Oh sure, I've got the youth, charisma, and personal magentism to be a mega-popstar. I know how to prance around with a microphone and how to grimace just the right way to convey that I'm oh-so-emotionally-involved in the song. And while I may not be quite as macho and manly as Clay Aiken or Kelly Clarkson, I'm pretty sure that Paula Abdul would love me. Still, I'm realistic enough to know that I just don't sing all that well.

It makes me wonder about what some of the American Idol contestants are thinking when they audition. I can certainly see the appeal of trying out (even if you're terrible) just to get your fifteen minutes of airtime...and I'm sure that some of them are trying to be bad enough to receive entertaining criticism. But there are some folks who just flat stink, and yet seem to sincerely believe that they have talent.

My question is, who are these people hanging around with?

Oh yeah, I know that parents have an obligation to support their kids as they pursue their dreams. But I don't believe that such an obligation includes lying to them--telling them they're good when they obviously suck. I know this from personal experience: Having a kid who is a musician gives you plenty of opportunities to provide honest feedback; the challenge is in keeping it from being too harsh. There are many times when I've had to say things like "Well, I. enjoyed it...but I doubt that anyone else did." or "That was...um, interesting. Perhaps it might be better if next time you did it, you know, like, right." or "Dude, get out the Glade; you totally stunk it up on that one!"

But even if the parents are telling these kids that they're freakin' Pavarotti when they're really just Harry Caray, there should still be somebody else around to set the record straight. For example, my college roommate, Mickey, told me that I couldn't sing at least a thousand times. And of course, I returned the favor (also pointing out that he was fat and stupid, too.)

Mickey really was a pretty good singer, though. He could hit the high notes, hold 'em a long time, and play air guitar the entire time. He had a rock-star type voice (as opposed to an operatic or crooner type), and probably could've been a front man for a heavy metal band...if only he could remember the lyrics. He had this odd idiot-savant thing going where he could identify a song within the first one or two notes, and could sing along with it holding the tune perfectly -- but hardly ever got the words right at all. I found this to be highly entertaining; and it was a good thing I did -- cuz he was singing pretty much all the time. In the car, in the dorm room, and probably even in the pool during swim practice.

But despite the fact that Mickey's vocal skills were better than mine, he still wouldn't have made it on American Idol. Randy would probably say that he was "pitchy", and Simon would tell him that his roommate was right on target with the astute "fat and stupid" observation.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that if you know anyone who thinks they're a great singer when they really aren't, it would be good for them (and good for the country) if you could gently persuade them to take up an instrument instead. If they show good general musical aptitude, get them a trumpet or a trombone. If they have no musical skills at all, they'd probably be more comfortable in the clarinet section.

In the meantime, if you want to hear some really astounding vocals, drop by the next time I'm in the shower. And have a great day!