Top Ten

What would YOU choose as the Top Ten Most Annoying Things About the Holidays?

Let's set some ground rules, OK? We shouldn't include things that EVERYONE universally hates, like that stupid song about giving your girlfriend a boatload of useless crap like maids a-milking and partridges in pear trees. The only good partridges in the history of Earth were Shirley Jones and Susan Dey. (OK, if you're a chick or a gay guy, maybe I'd allow for David Cassidy to be considered, too. But no Bonaduces under any circumstances. Sorry.)

I guess I wouldn't mind receiving five golden rings, as long as they weren't the kind that make you turn into Gollum. I mean, I wouldn't mind being all hairless and creepy (since I'm pretty much there already), but I'd be bummed if I became an inarticulate mumbler. With Tanner in the family, we've already got one of those.

Anyway, I might decide to revisit the list as we become more deeply immersed in Hungry Hungry Hippo and Jenga ads...or if Obama puts on a Santa suit to symbolize his willingness to hand out presents without giving credit to the elves who actually produced the stuff he's handing out to others. But for now, I'll begin with the following items that always annoy me at this time of year:

• Most pumpkin pie recipes do not use nearly enough chocolate chips.


• Despite claims on the packaging, those @#$!% compact fluorescent light bulbs don't last any longer than incandescents. (OK, I'll admit this has nothing to do with the holidays, but I just had another one of the stupid things burn out, and it makes me angry.)


• People look at me funny for putting peanut butter on my leftover turkey sandwiches. Hey, Einstein put peanut butter on his leftovers and nobody gave him any grief.


• The country's only two socially acceptable porch-climbing/doorbell-ringing activities are too closely adjacent. Since the holidays are all melting together anyway, why don't we just combine Christmas Caroling with Trick-or-Treating? If you want that Peanut Butter Cup, you're gonna have to belt out "Sleigh Ride" or something.


• NORAD seems to be able to reliably track a minivan-sized sleigh across the entire planet...but can't ever find the dudes who create those gigantic crop circles all over the place. I smell a massive coverup.


• OK, this is probably a year-round complaint -- not limited to holidays at all -- but I positively HATE that impenetrable plastic stuff they mold around computer peripherals and other toys. Freddie Kruger is the only guy I know who doesn't have a problem opening packages these days.


• Christmas has been around for over 2000 years now. How come no one has invented any kind of nog other than "egg"? There's pomegranate soda, for goodness sakes; shouldn't there at least be "cola nog" or "chocolate nog"?


• You can see "Frosty the Snowman" on 6 different networks at a dozen different times. But it's almost impossible to find a broadcast of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians." That ain't right.


• Those guys ringing the bells in front of the store are always playing the same song. Ding ding ding. Yawn. C'mon, Dudes, would it kill ya to learn "Smoke on the Water", or "Inna Gadda Da Vida"?


• A Will Farrell movie has become a holiday tradition. Could there possibly be a clearer sign of the Apocalypse?


• Kids today have no idea why it's funny to say "Oh yeah, man, I played with those dudes" when someone mentions Santa Claus.


• There are carols sung by barking dogs, delinquent chipmunks, and guys who lost grandmothers in tragic reindeer accidents...but there is no Pink Floyd Christmas album!


• I'm a really good boy every year, and yet Santa has never brought me Dorothy Hamill.

Don't get me wrong, though. In general, I love the holiday season. Everybody's in the mood for peace on Earth and fudge, we all get a few days off from work, and the economy gets a bump from everybody buying TV sets and air rifles. And the occasional blanket of snow does make the world sparkle for a few days. It's a delightful time of the year, and I'm in a good mood. Next week, I'll counter the somewhat negative tone of this post by sharing a list of some of the things for which I am most thankful. In the meantime, please consider modifying your pie recipes, and have a great day!