Relevant Blog

Electronics have no place in the world of plumbing.

There. I said it. If nothing else, I keep this blog on the cutting edge of controversy, don't I?

OK, perhaps my statement wasn't specific enough. If you want to take your GameBoy into the restroom with you, I guess I have no problem with that. Cell phones, though...no.

But what I'm really talking about is the "electric eye" sensor that determines when to flush for you. On the surface, this is a great idea -- I am totally supportive of the idea of hands-free operation of public utilities. (I'm also in favor of doing away with the traditional handshake greeting...it's an archaic tradition that provides an interpersonal mass transit system for germs. Why not a jaunty salute instead? Everyone could develop their own signature salute style (reference John Larroquette in "Stripes"). It'd be healthy, and fun!)

But until they get the bugs worked out of these auto-potty things, they should really stop using them. I hate it when Old Faithful erupts when I'm only halfway through the process of sitting down. And they usually flush two or three extra times while I'm tucking in my shirt and preparing to exit the stall. This is NOT a "go green" policy.

The worst thing is that without access to the mechanical parts, there's nothing you can do about it when the electronics have an M-5 moment and decide to override faulty human decision-making. Last week, I witnessed two separate toilets running full-blast in "constant flush" mode while no one was near them. They were operating at flow rates you usually don't see outside of Niagara, sending fresh water into the sewer system as fast as the system pressure allowed. It was how I would imagine a black hole to be...swirling currents threatening to latch onto anything in the vicinity and pull it through to the mysteries of "the other side".

And since you can't open the tank and fiddle with the flapper to get it to stop, there's nothing you can do but call Scotty and tell him to take a spanner into the Jeffries tube.

I don't think my protestations against this sort of technology make me a Luddite. After all, Captain Kirk was heavily reliant on computers, and habitually interacted with the ship's processors without reluctance. But he still had a sense for when technology had overstepped its boundaries and was making decisions contrary to the interests of humanity. If Kirk had been around to help Sara Connor, he'd have talked the Terminator into blowing itself up with nary a shot being fired.

I do wonder, though, why all the computers he talked into self-destruction had SIPA (Stress Induced Pitch Ascension) programming built in? Every time one of those machines would utter ready-to-implode-indicator phrases such as "Non sequitur. Does not compute!", its voice would rise and become all Urkel-esque. Never understood that. I would expect a highly-confused computer to respond to a logical mismatch by merely offering Kirk a holographic Blue Screen of Death to replace the Landru image, and then to power down.

Of course, Star Trek was created long before Bill Gates and company plagued the world with the BSOD concept, so I guess a rising-pitch soliloqy followed by an explosion was probably a reasonable extrapolation of 1960s technology. Perhaps Mr. Gates even directed his minons with commands of "There shall be no @*#$%! Landrus evolving from Microsoft programming. Figure out some way to shut these things down without anything blowing up. And make it blue if you can -- I like blue."

And here I've done it again, haven't I? I said I was going to write a relevant blog about topical issues of the day and avoid obscure nerd references from the 60s. Sheesh. It's no wonder nobody reads this tripe.

You have to give me credit for the auto-flush toilet complaint, though. That's a legitimate social issue of the current times. And if the government can outlaw Happy Meal toys, they certainly ought to be able to stifle machine-triggered potties. I'm not saying that we should remove hands-free options from plumbing operations -- Heavens no! -- but let's make 'em more like the hand dryers that you have to wave at several times before they react. We just need to stop the sensors from falling for every headfake and innocent zippered-up drive by.

OK, so enough of that.

Here's my relevant rant that has no Star Trek connection whatsoever. (OK, there is are James Bond and Back to the Future relatables, but I'll leave you to arrive at those on your own.)

What's up with people who expect you to pronounce the letters "SE" as if they were spelled "SH"?

I'm talking about people with names like Sean and Seamus. And especially Sade (whose real name is "Helen", anyway -- what's up with that?). Have they no respect for the alphabet? No reverence for the language? It's the same plague of poor thinking that gave us all those "Theresa" and "Thomas" names that have no "TH" sound in them at all. And I won't even mention the disturbing trend to use dollar signs and numbers to spell out appellations. It's just wrong, and those responsible should be rounded up and renamed to Richard, but then called "Dick"...just so they'd see the ridiculousness of it all.

What about Shawn? Fine. Shamus? Sure, whatever. But no, we do not need anyone named "Sha-Day", no matter how you spell it. OK, Helen? You got it?

All right, end of rant. I shall continue my quest to try to write a nerdness-free blog at some point during the upcoming week. But I can't make any promises. Thanks for sticking around though, and for putting up with the geekiness. At some point, your patience will be rewarded.

Well, maybe. In any case, please join me in protesting the machines, and have a great day!