Newsbreak: Fabio is STILL Creepy

[Warning: This blog may not make any sense at all to anyone under 40. Too may references to obscure folks from the 80s. Sorry. I'll try to be more relevant tomorrow.]

This may come as a surprise to many of you, but I have never been asked to pose for the cover of a romance novel. In fact, to the best of my knowledge I have never been photographed in a half-open, billowing pirate shirt, standing on an oceanside cliff next to an ominous dead tree. And I have certainly never cradled a swooning, buxom plantation heiress in my arms while wearing leather pants. But Fabio has. Numerous times.

I never understood Fabio's appeal, and have never hung around with a woman who could explain it to me. I mean, everyone knows that real men don't need hair. And Fabio's one attempt to pull off the shaved head look for a novel cover didn't work out all that well:


My favorite college Spanish teacher once told me that she had a crush on the actor Richard Boone. He was certainly not handsome in the Cary Grant sense of the word, but at least I can see his appeal. With his gruff voice and sense of comfort in his own skin, he did project a certain charisma. But Fabio? I'm not seeing it. He's just creepy.

However, I have to admit that I do get a kick out of the current Toyota ad campaign where guys like Fabio, Erik Estrada, and Lou Ferrigno are showing up to buy new cars. In fact, that's what prompted this line of thought. I started thinking about which washed-up 80s stars I'd choose if I were the Ad Campaign Director. Richard Boone is not available, since he's dead, but the guy on the right might be. Any ideas who he is? (The answer will be revealed below.)

My first choice would oviously be James Doohan, but alas, he has also passed on. Gary Coleman, same deal. Zulu as Kono? Gone.

Ray J. Johnson? Please, not that. But what about Roger E. Mosley? Yeah, I like him...except that the car shoppers are calling the celebs by their real name, and I suspect that Mr. Mosley is still better known as "TC". Hmm, what about Higgy Baby?

Toni Tennille? The Unknown Comic? The Pink Power Ranger? Sammy Sosa? The curly-haired Doctor Who?

No. I don't think so. After much pondering, I've concluded that Toyota has probably done about as well as they could do. Fabio is creepy, sure...but he fits the general theme of the campaign. Everybody likes Ferrigno, and Estrada remains appealing as well (especially after his appearance on "My Name is Earl".) I think they should go with who they've got.

But the other guy I was thinking about (from the photo above) is Estrada's old CHiPs partner Larry "Jon" Wilcox. He's not as recognizable as "Ponch", but he's apparently a great guy. A former Marine who is now hugely involved in charities, Wilcox should be a role model for all former TV stars. He seems like a guy you'd enjoy hanging out with. Sort of an Anti-Fabio, if you will.

And I guess that's all I have to say on the subject. Despite my earlier comments, though, I'm not actually opposed to appearing on any book covers, so if you need a crewcut male model with no particular visual appeal, give me a call. (No pirate shirts, though. Sorry.) And have a great day!