Travel Adaptations

Yeah, I know -- It's not at all like the Pioneers or Columbus or anything. The modern traveler does not have to worry about scurvy, sea serpents, injuns, ba'ars, or Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen. Nonetheless, we have our challenges. I've already mentioned the annoyance generated by hotel pillows sized for Peter Mayhew and airplane seats sized for Kenny Baker, as well as the difficulties inherent in finding restaurants (and non-rap radio stations) while driving a retarded rental car on poorly-marked streets.

Today I shall talk about a few more traveler's traumas. But before you fill my inbox with comments about how your great-grandfather had to eat Alferd Packer's leftovers and then brush his teeth with porcupine quills, let me assure you that I am 100% aware that my tribulations are trivial, and that that my worst day of suffering is still ten times better than the finest day a Norweigian could ever have. Still, regardless of my relative catbird-seatedness compared to the Third World, I see no reason this should prevent me from pointing out where things I encounter could be improved. I mean, just because Donald Trump has millions of dollars and dozens of wives, it doesn't mean he can't go out and look for a better barber, right?

Here are a few of my observations:

• While I appreciate the idea of individual room climate controls, I do wonder why motels always seem to invest in "Sound-O-Niagara" brand window air conditioners. Even on the "Low Fan" setting, these units typically output decibels with astounding generosity, rattling your fillings and making the coins you tossed on the desk twitch around like an electric football game. With some minor fiddling, it's usually possible to achieve a comfortable room temperature, but there is often a compromise between this comfort and the desire to pass the night without the constant feeling that there's a Luftwaffe landing strip beside your bed.



• In a previous post, I complained about rooms that have the useless and annoying bathroom vent fan hardwired into the light switch, so there's no need to rehash that topic here. But there is a potential side effect that I will mention: Being left in the dark while taking a bath.
  
  How does this happen, you ask? Well, this particular hotel has motion detectors in line with the room's light switches -- so if nobody moves for a while, the lights turn themselves off. While I normally think these things are idiotic because I'm perfectly capable of turning out the lights myself when I'm finished in a room...in the case of a hotel, it makes sense to me. But because I didn't want to use the bathroom light because of the chainsaw-esque fan noise, I turned on the front hall light to illuminate the book I was reading while soaking in the bathtub. Worked fine...until the requisite "no motion" period had passed and the light extinguished itself. Based on previous experience, I knew that it would come back on if there was motion within about 10 seconds or so, so I reached out of the tub, grabbed my towel, and tossed it out into the now-dark hallway.
  
  Which of course resulted in me being in the tub in the dark, and without a towel. I'd probably break my neck slipping on the invisible wet floor trying to get the lights back on; and it's all the electrician's fault.
  
  
  
  As you may have deduced, though, I survived. So my next question would be this: Does anyone actually use the iron and ironing board they sometimes put in hotel rooms? I've certainly opened my luggage to find wrinkles galore, yet have never quite managed to motivate myself to fire up the ol' institutional steam iron. Does anyone?
  


• Until I started renting cars for business travel, I had never noticed that a car's fuel gage typically has a graphic indicator showing which side of the car contains the fuel tank and gas cap. That's handy to know...but it does raise the question of why such things aren't standardized. Same with headlight switches, windshield wiper controls, and turn signals. I mean, we were able to standardize the position of accelerator pedals vs. brakes, right? And we all drive on the same side of the road, etc., so why can't we agree on where to put these all these common controls?
  
  (Well, OK, I guess the countries in the Southern Hemisphere drive on the wrong side of the road, but I think they have to because of the Coriolis effect. It's like the toilets that swirl backwards when they flush -- I'm sure no one would choose to drive southpaw or use the Metric System, or any of those other commie weirdo things they do down there. Right?)



• There are many other small challenges to one's adaptability. For example: When you're away from your hometown, the TV newscasters may appear to be siblings (or clones) of the VO5-plastered animatronic teleprompter readers you're familiar with...but they talk of streets, towns, and politicians that you've never heard of. It can be disorienting. And when you go to the hotel lobby for your morning cheerios and pomegranate juice, your only choice of reading material is USA Today, rather than -- well, OK, I haven't subscribed to a newspaper for years, but you know what I mean. The Cartoon Network isn't on the same channel it is at home, and the icemaker doesn't have a "crushed" setting like the unit in your house -- and you really don't walk down the hall to get ice anyway, because you didn't bring your favorite bunny slippers.

Yep, you sure have to be flexible when you're on the road. I know that I suggested earlier that our forefathers had it tougher because the conditions were more challenging (no phone, no lights, no motorcars, etc)...but I think I'm going to change my position on that topic. After all, they had to deal with bedbugs, inadequate HVAC, and pre-Charmin personal hygiene challenges even when they were at home -- so adapting to life on the road was a far smaller shift for them. It's when you get used to all the personal comforts of modern American life that encountering excursion-related differences becomes a hardship. (This fact does not bode well for our ability to survive a Mad-Max/Zombie Apocalypse world, but that's a topic for a different essay.)

Anyway, now that I've identified some of the difficulties encountered during travel, I might well become better able to deal with whatever arises during future trips. I'll be sure to let you know. In the meantime, be sure to take your slippers with you, and have a great day!