A Brief History of Time

This is off the subject, but I never understood what the heck "Time" had to do with parsley, sage, and Rosemary Clooney. On the other hand, the lyrics "You run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking...racing around to come up behind you again" always seemed deep and meaningful. (Perhaps not quite at the "Weird Al level" of quality wordsmithing, but thought-provoking nonetheless.)

So maybe it's not so far off the subject after all. Today's topic is a tired one, much discussed among people who vow to wear purple dresses and red hats, etc., but I wanted to mention it within the context of business travel and the workaday world in general. I'll start with a quote from Shakespeare:

  "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Really makes you think, doesn't it? And here's one posted on the wall of my 4th grade classroom by Mrs. Phipps, our Spanish teacher:

  "En voca cerrada, no entran moscas."

Words to live by, my friends. But what does this have to do with flying across the country to write documents about Shipping and Transportation, you ask? Ah, there's the rub, as our previously quoted Bard might say. (Even though I think he really meant "problem" instead of "rub". Nobody in tech support ever says "Sorry, but there's a 'rub' with the network," or "I'd be glad to help you if you could just describe your rub." Sometimes, you just want to slap ol Shakey upside the head and say "Speak gooder English, why doncha, ya dead Limey twit!")

Hey, what do you call a poet serving time in jail? A barred bard. And what do you say about a poet who moonlights as a computer programmer? "His bard's worse than his byte."

OK, where was I? Ah yes, the fleeting nature of Time. As the Universe collapses toward an all-consuming cosmic black hole, each of us is forced to deal with his own mortality and listen to the ticking of his own individual countdown clock. And this makes us ponder how to invest our precious free time so as to obtain maximum life value from each day we spend walking about upon the face of this Earth.

What do you mean, "the Universe is expanding, not collapsing"? Geez. Who cares? I mean, Dude, I can pretty much guarantee you that anyone who would stoop to read this lowbrow blog would have no idea who Stephen Hawking was if he hadn't appeared on "The Simpsons". And even then, they only know him as "that funny-talking robot guy with the boxing glove thingy on his flying wheelchair", and would have no clue regarding theories involving light cones, singularities, and event horizons. So just drop it, OK? The point is that time flies like an arrow, which I believe I have already pointed out. So there.

(Which popular cartoon character is also a sophisticated poet? Bard Simpson! Which lanky white NBA star was also a master of iambic pentameter? Larry Bard!)

Man, I crack myself up!

So let's get on with it, shall we? What I'm trying to say here is that as a business traveler with a free weekend coming up, I am faced with a decision-making process that pits convenience against depth -- effort against enrichment. I have the entire San Francisco Bay area to examine, and feel that I am obligated to enculturate myself by exploring the wonders of this unfamiliar land, and to absorb the sights, sounds, and smells of the area so that I may become a more sophisticated and educated person. I could then share these new and glorious experiences with the brotherhood of blogdom, thus spreading my enlightenment to a broader audience. I mean, how many other chances will I get to explore this part of the country, and to drink in the richness of its climate, soul, and history?

On the other hand, performing this exploration would require driving my crummy little rental car on crowded and unfamiliar streets...wearing glasses with which I have trouble reading street signs. Sigh. Many attractions cost large sums of money, and the streets are filled with scary people who don't speak with the same accent I do, and who have bizarre personal habits like eating fish and admiring Barry Bonds. I'd have to climb WAY out of my comfort zone.



Who wants to take risks like that? I could just as easily order Domino's and sit in the hotel room flipping between ESPN and Comedy Central all weekend. This would not impact the Cosmological Entropic Constant in any way, and I'd be able to take a nap whenever I wanted to. I must admit that this particular Option B does have its appeal. (Especially the "pizza in bed" part.)

But nay, I say, NAY! I shall not succumb to the siren song of Best Western couch-potato-hood. I intend to blast out of here at the crack o' dawn on Saturday morning and lock myself into "World Traveler" mode. I'll be cruising the highways, sampling exotic cuisines, and learning about local history that goes way beyond the career of Joe Montana. I might visit Alcatraz, the Golden Gate Bridge, Monterey Bay, or even San Simeon.

(What did Shakespeare name his favorite childhood sled? Rosebard! Ar ar.)

Wish me luck in my adventures, friends. I promise I'll tell you all about them. Until then, try to look upon the world with the eyes of an explorer. And have a great day!