More Thoughts About Travel

I have been described as many things, but "Sophisticated International Traveler" has never been among them. Oh sure, I enjoy visiting other places and being a wide-eyed, camera-slinging tourist on occasion...but I don't seem to possess the wanderlust and fascination with variety that afflicts so many other people.

I was recently talking to a friend who mentioned an intention to travel to France; my initial thought was "Hey, I'd like to see the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre, etc."...but that idea was quickly followed by the more sobering thoughts of "But ewwww, that country is full of stripey-shirted mimes, Leroy Neiman mustaches, and people who add unpronounced and unneeded letters to words like "Loove" and "Dee-po".

And I have no desire to fill my home with gift-store merchandise imprinted with some town's name and picture of their local attraction.



On the other hand, I suppose it does embiggen one's soul to absorb and disgest the richness of other places and other cultures. And sharing travel experiences with loved ones is a source of enduring memories to be cherished always. Heck, I would gladly travel to France or Spain or Siam or something if I had a gorgeous and sophisticated international-traveling babe to accompany me.

Not to Oklahoma, though. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway, the appeal of exotic lands and the poetic genius of Weird Al aside, the point of this piece is to discuss a few of the mysteries encountered by the ordinary domestic business traveler. In the interest of brevity, I'll present my latest trip-related observations in the form of questions, and save further discussion for another time.

• How many customers does United Airlines lose each day because of their idiotic overbooking policy and egregiously inefficient system of dealing with their self-inflicted problems at the airport gate?
• Why do hotels put SO many pillows on the bed? (I guess it's kinda cool that there's so many you could build a fort out of them or something, but it still seems like an odd waste of goose down. And for the tired business traveler who just wants to hit the sack after a long day of repressing the urge to strangle incompetent and indifferent airline employees, having to dig through a half-dozen pillows to get to the sheets just seems like an unneccesary burden.)
• OK, let's be real -- What kind of pretentious moron complains about an overabundance of pillows on the bed? Geez.
• Is it just me, or does the term "Gourmet" seem out of place when talking about something you'd microwave in a hotel room?
• Does anyone actually use the ironing boards they find in a hotel room? Is that a chick thing, or are there really dudes who go to their meetings with sharp creases in their shirtsleeves? (I'm guessing that's something unique to salespeople -- guys on procedure-writing assignments can probably get away with an uncorrected wrinkle or two.)
• Why on earth do they fold the end of the toilet paper into a little point? I mean seriously, who came up with this idea? Am I supposed to walk into the bathroom and say "Wow, this must be a really nice place because the toilet paper is pointy and there's a paper band stuck to the lid of the loo!"? I don't get it. If you want to impress me with your establishment's class and sophistication, then at least upgrade your breakfast bar to include some dadgum Cocoa Puffs along with the Froot Loops and Raisin Bran. If there's not something chocolatey, you might as well hang out a sign that says "People with taste should stay somewhere else!"
• Why do hotel wall lamps all seem to have those tiny little metal knobs that are incredibly difficult to twist on and off? What's wrong with a good ol' toggle switch?
• Why do hotel bathrooms have the stupid vent fan hardwired into the light switch, so that every time you turn on the light, you're treated to the rough equivalent of a jet engine at point-blank range? There are times where you might want to enter that particular room without waking up every occupant of the building...and besides, I suspect that despite their high-decibel noticability, those fans don't really have a great impact on ventilation anyway.

My latest hotel room also featured a shower spigot that was hooked up wrong, giving hot water on the "cold" setting and vice versa...but that's more of an anomaly rather than a questionable practice of the hospitality industry. Once you figure it out, it's fairly simple to operate the shower effectively. And otherwise, it was a very comfortable room, with a decent TV and a decadently cushy bed; so I have no complaints. Other than bewilderment over what to do with the huge stack of extra pillows, I was pretty comfortable. And so far, I haven't seen a single mime on the trip...so life is good.

I'll try to share other travel-related thoughts over the next week or two. In the meantime, have a great day!