Toxic Odors

Ahh, 'tis Springtime in the Rockies. Time to start wearing short sleeves, slapping on the sunscreen, and sampling all those lovely spring fragrances. Take a deep breath and inhale Nature's sweet bouquet!

GACK!

OK, right up front, I'll state for the record that I know I'm in a very small minority when it comes to my utter lack of appreciation for olfactory stimulation. Part of it comes from my allergy to certain perfume components -- I get sinus attacks and stabbing headaches in the presence of certain commercial scent products. And part of it comes from negative associations with memories from my childhood: Bee stings received when retrieving baseballs from my mom's fragrant flowerbeds, for example. Or the overpowering smell of the Glade air freshener my Grandma constantly used to cover up the odor of the meth lab she had going in the back of the house. Or the smell of freshly cut grass being associated with being forced to mow the lawn, instead of doing fun stuff like playing in the sprinkler, tormenting my little brother, or hanging out with my best friend, Herbert the Pervert.

In other words, I've lived my entire life under strong Pavlovian conditioning to detest the scents of Spring. Combine that with my perfume allergy, and you end up with a fellow who has a pretty narrow tolerance zone for smells. Therefore, please don't try to sell me any scented soaps, shampoos, or deoderants, and be aware that if I see one of those hell-spawned "potpourri" pots on your counter, I shall run screaming from the room and never visit your place again.

(Confession: I don't really think my Grandma ran a meth lab. I honestly have no idea why she felt compelled to buy Glade by the case and douse her home with it the way a fireman would spray a burning orphanage. She was a great cook, so it wouldn't be to cover up kitchen smells. And if it was something like B.O. or flatulence, well, it's a pity she didn't realize that the worst possible butt gas is still a hundred times more pleasant than an atmosphere consisting of 50% fake flower stink.)

Anyway, the seeds of this diatribe took root yesterday when I walked into my office building and stepped into a hallway jet stream of caustic perfume effluvium. One of the women in the office had apparently marinated herself in "eau de migraine", and had passed through the hallway shortly before my arrival. Even though my work cubicle was not contained within that particular stink zone, passing through the hall must've triggered the "on guard" state within my olfactory sensors. I was noticing everything in the airstream for the rest of the day.

For example, around noon I thought something was burning. It smelled how I'd imagine the streets of Detroit smelled in Robocop. Turned out it was the sterno pots under the Mexican buffet that the cafeteria folks were bringing in for the Kaizen event team. (Or maybe it was the LM cafeteria taco meat. Either way, it smelled like a tire fire.)

After work, I went over to the high school track to run some half-mile repeats with my brother. During my warmup, I realize that I had to take a short, um, break...and wandered behind the little tool shed to do so. There were 3 different kinds of flowering grasses there, and all were replete with the strong aromoa of nascent vegetation. I almost gagged.

And yet...I love the smell of pine trees, and most of the other scents you encounter deep in the woods. So, I'm not a Bubble Boy -- I don't need to be shielded from ALL aromas. I love the smell of cinnamon, vanilla, chocolate, and chlorine. I like smelling crayons, thunderstorm ozone, Spam cooking on a campfire, and baking bread, too.

But then again, who doesn't?

I guess I don't really have a point to make here, do I? Unless it's to notify those who like flowery fragrances that not everyone shares their olfactory enthusiasm. 'Nuff said.

But on a completely different topic, I'm sure you're all wondering what I think of the new Star Trek movie, right? Well, even though I stood in line for several hours to see the craptacular "Star Trek, the Motion Picture" when it came out, I have to admit that I haven't seen this one yet. When I do, I'll be sure to tell you about it -- but I suspect I won't have anything to say beyond what Lileks has already posted about it.

So I guess I'll just sign off for today, with my fondest wishes that you'll enjoy the blooming of all the new flowers, etc., and that you have a great Spring!