Home!

Ahhh. Another business trip complete, and a successful journey back to Denver. It's good to be back.

I'm sure you're dying to hear about all the interesting experiences I had during my trip; all the fascinating places I visited, and all the fabulous people I met. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I have no such tales to tell. The most fascinating place I visited was the Subway restaurant where I had to repeat the phrase "More than that" to the sandwich builder six times before she and I finally agreed on the quantity that constituted "lots of" green peppers. I freely admit that I've lived a life sheltered from extensive food-related austerity, so I may not look at vegetable quantities in the same way as someone who grew up under different circumstances...but two measley half-inch strings of pepper is not "Lots" by any definition of the word that I'm familiar with. Nor is 4 such strands.

I needs my green peppers, man.

Am I wrong? If you went to a baseball stadium and found only two other fans there, would you say the game was attended by "lots of people"? I wouldn't.

And as for fabulous people, well, other than the clerks at the restaurants I patronized, the only people I encountered were my offsite co-workers, most of whom I knew already. And while their spouses and children may indeed describe them as "fabulous", I usually reserve that word to describe people of immense charisma, talent, or accomplishment...like Albert Schweitzer or Ben Affleck. Therefore, I think I'll spare you any description of my office interactions.

I will tell you a bit about the plane flight home. The Philadelphia airport had upgraded its security screening center since my last visit, and I was impressed by the looped video of a uniformed TSA employee explaining why you had to take your shoes off and run them through the Tunnel of Mystery machine. She said, and I quote: "We're doing everything we can to stop the bad guys." I liked that.

I did find myself wondering whether anyone else was bothered by the fact that this articulate and charismatic spokeswoman looked more like Vivica Fox than any TSA worker I've ever seen in an airport. And she spoke like Diane Simmons.

I guess that shouldn't bother me...the guys who play doctors on TV commercials don't look much like anyone I've ever seen over at Kaiser, either.

Anyway, speaking of doctors and flu and stuff, I was curious to see how the media hysteria over the Swine Flu would affect airline travel. Would travelers be wearing respirator masks? And if they did, would that freak out the TSA guys who were trying to compare their faces to their driver's licence pictures? (And that brings up the side question of why none of the screeners ever question me about my out-of-date drivers license photo?)

I am happy to report, though, that the travelers I saw were not encapsulated in Hazmat suits, nor were they engaged in excessive sanitizer-soaked hand wringing. In fact, I'd have to say that the general air-travel population seemed to be somewhat healthier than normal. I didn't hear any coughing or sneezing at all during the entire flight.

Of course, that could be because the Russian couple behind me were talking so loudly the entire flight, drowning out any other ambient noises. I know that there are many folks who feel that their conversations are SO important that everyone needs to hear them, but I'm one of those rare folks who'd really rather not listen. It was interesting to note, though, that somehow a loudmouth conversation in a foreign language is not quite as annoying as it would be in English. No matter how inane and moronic their discussion may actually have been, I found that it was possible to imagine that they were engaged in a fascinating analysis of orbital mechanics, or perhaps a scholarly debate on whether or not the character of Boris Badenov was an accurate portrayal of a typical cold war commie criminal.

But despite what I could or couldn't hear, it was obvious that people were still accepting their mini-cups of Diet Coke from the bare-handed flight attendant without cringing in germophobic horror. Therefore, the conclusion I draw from my informal observations is that the only Americans who are freaking out about swine flu are the media and politicians. And nobody with any intelligence would listen to either of those sources anyway.

Bottom line: I'm home and healthy, and life is good. Have a great day!