Two-a-Days

Through no fault of my own, I've become a victim of the Big-Business conspiracy to promote American obesity. It's definitely time for Congress to do something about this! I hope you'll join me in writing to our elected representatives to demand that they do something about the fact that I've gained so much weight.

It all started on the CRS proposal; the program managers brought in free lunches and gigantic cookies every single day. I might be able to resist things like turkey sandwiches, apples, and salads, but how the hell do they expect any human to resist those delicious peanut-butter cookies that are so rich they bend like a Dali watch whenever you pick 'em up? Mmmmm.

Then there was the trip to Kansas. Fancy dining, fast food, and well, fried stuff. Follow that with Thanksgiving and its fabulous feast, a few meals at Mexican restaurants with Tanner where the conversation was so lively that it required an extra basket of chips, a King Soopers sale on salted peanuts, and then a birthday cake so sweet and delicious that it causes diabetes from two blocks away. There's nothing I could've done: I'm a victim, I tells ya!

Well, OK, I probably could've exercised more. But c'mon...it's cold outside. Anyway, the point is that I've gained weight, and I need to get rid of it if I expect to remain in contention for People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" award. (Hey, don't laugh -- they haven't told me that I'm NOT in the running, have they?)

The good news is that I don't plan to travel soon, Thanksgiving has passed, and I'm no longer on a proposal with catered cookies. The bad news is that it will take Congress a while before they pass legislation to help me, and there's still some of that irresistable birthday cake left -- therefore, I probably need to start exercising more.

I think I've been doing all right in the mornings. I either swim, run, or go to the gym pretty much every single day. After examining the situation, I came to the obvious conclusion that I needed to also start exercising in the evenings. Two-a-days.

Ergo, I've started riding my bike trainer in the living room the past few nights. So far, the results are depressing. I haven't lost any weight...and now my legs are really tired all the time. As Gene Wilder would say, "I'm fat! I'm fat, and I'm tired!" Sigh.

Oh well, I have to be patient, I suppose. Rome wasn't burnt in a day, after all. (Hey -- Wasn't Nero a fat guy, too? Hmm. I wonder if his problems were also started by working on government proposals? Probably.)

Anyway, I'll just have to do the best I can, despite the conspiracy between the evil food manufacturers who make their products so delicious and the evil corporation that pays me money I can use to buy such food. Working out in the evenings is tough, but it'll have to do...at least until we can get laws in place to ban everything but celery, grapefruit, and tofu. Let's make it happen! Let's march on Washington! Let's shout slogans like "Nutritious, not Delicious!" and "Ban the Bonbons!" C'mon now! Who's with me?!

Hmm. Not much of a response there, dudes. Sigh. Maybe I'll have to rethink this a bit. I'll see what I can come up with in terms of alternate ideas, and I'll post them here. In the meantime, stay away from cookies that bend, and have a great day!