Urban Crop Circles

How come only this one season has two names? I know that the official name is Autumn, and we call it "Fall" because the leaves fall off the trees. But why don't we call Spring "Bud" because the leaves reappear? Or summer "Clog" because the leaves and grass clippings get caught in the outdoor swimming pool filters?

And why is there an "Old Man Winter", but no other seasonal personifications? It's not fair that only the coldest time of year gets a mascot. But I guess if Obama gets elected, he'll make sure that Old Man Winter gets divided up into 4 fair and equal pieces -- which would mean that each season will be represented by a sullen seasonal teenager. "Young Man Fall" would be all, like, "Dude, why are you always on my case about cleaning up these leaves? A few piles of biodegradable plant matter never hurt nobody. You are SO totally uptight, man."

Iconic mascotry issues aside, you have to admit that this has been a particularly beautiful autumn. The weather has been mild, the trees have retained their color, and it's not going to snow on Halloween for once. And perhaps it is merely a side effect of the upcoming spooky holiday, but as the saying goes, "strange things are afoot at the Circle-K".

[Insert spooky music here.]

When I came home from work the other day, the sidewalks outside my condo were covered ankle deep in crunchy leaves. Nothing particularly odd about that -- after all, we do have a bunch of trees next to the building. But the next morning when I left for my workout, the sidewalks were completely bare...except for one perfectly conical pile of leaves right in front of my neighbor's car. Obviously, an alien spacecraft had landed in our parking lot and used advanced magnetic and/or antigravity technology to gather the fallen foliage into a beautifully symmetrical pile, most likely in an attempt to communicate to those of us whom they have yet to abduct and probe. I was already running late for workout, so I didn't have time to do a thorough investigation, but I do intend to ask the neighbors if anyone noticed any cattle mutilations in the area. (That would prove the alien visitation theory beyond any doubt, especially since we don't have any cows within miles of the place.)

Come to think of it, I do remember seeing mysterious lights flashing through my window blinds during the night. I guess I assumed that they were from cars driving into the parking lot...but then I remembered that Richard Dreyfuss made the same erroneous assumption right before he got sunburned and started sculpting mashed potatoes. Now I'm convinced that they were from a flying saucer.

One skeptic suggested that the pile might have been created by someone with a leaf blower. But I'd have heard that, wouldn't I? Likewise, I'm pretty sure I'd have noticed somebody raking the sidewalk during the night. The sole noise I heard during the night was the wind, and only a complete moron would believe that a wind vortex caused by the configuration of the carport and apartment entryways could create such a large leaf cone all by itself. No -- it had to be aliens.

I'm not trying to alarm you, but I will ask you to be vigilant. It goes without saying that you should always watch the skies, but this Halloween, I think you should also be especially careful on the sidewalks, too. If any trick-or-treaters start making piles of leaves...or even if they just look like an extra-terrestrial with a sheet over his head, call the FBI. Ask for Mulder.