Convention

Let's see; both parties have already decided who to nominate for President, and at least one of the designated candidates has already selected his running mate. So...uh, WHY do we need entire weeks of speeches, news coverage, protests, and more speeches?

I know -- we're just getting more of it here because the Democratic Convention is in Denver this year. There are about 4 times as many journalists in town as there are delegates, and there are about 80 times more celebrity parties than there are events of any consequence. It reminds me of a line from an old Don McLean song:

There's 8000 Communists here in the States, and that's why Hoover infiltrates. Three thousand belong to the FBI; without their support, the party would die.

I'm sick of it already. At the risk of being labeled as a crusty old coot, I am taking a stand here: I refuse to watch any of the TV coverage, listen to the radio, or go downtown looking for a clandestine glance of Matt Damon or Daryl Hannah. I really just don't care at this point.

Don't get me wrong -- I enjoyed "Splash". Sortof. And I loved Matt Damon's performance in "Team America"...but I'm tired from working all this overtime on our proposal, and I just want to go home and watch the Mythbusters blow up stuff, or perhaps some old Simpsons reruns. I do not have the patience for endless strings of politicians promising stuff they can't deliver, protestors who rant because it's easier than actually learning any facts about an issue, nor news anchors who think that promising and ranting are the most important things going on in our country.

I'm not saying that I don't care about the upcoming election, because I do. I cherish my right to vote, and I intend to seriously study the candidates and the issues before casting my ballot. I also intend to change the channel every single time a campaign ad comes on. If Satan himself were running for office, his ad agency would convince you that he loves puppies and flowers and has always supported renewable energy.

Perhaps I won't be quite so cynical after I get a few good nights' sleep. But I never was much of a party animal, and the convention hoopla strikes me as nothing but a very expensive version of an extended college kegger. And I guess that makes me the studious nerd down the hall who puts the pillow over his head trying to shut out the noise. So be it. I just hope that it also means that I'll get an "A" when all the conventioneers are nursing their hangovers.

OK, maybe that's stretching the metaphor. But I will urge you to do your homework: start with a quick refresher on your basic civics (ie, realize that Congress -- not the President -- makes the laws and is responsible for taxes, budgets, etc). Also, be aware that looking at a candidate's voting record is far more educational than listening to a commercial. And keep in mind that if somebody voted against a particular education bill, it could be because that bill contained a million-dollar earmark for Chairman Mao posters to be installed above Public School drinking fountains...it doesn't necessarily mean that the representative in question hates children. But that's sure the way the ads will make it sound.

Or maybe I really am just a wet blanket. Perhaps I should take the bus downtown and join in the festivities. After all, the biggest celebrity I've ever met so far is Roger Ebert; maybe I could upgrade to something more George Clooney-esque. Maybe I could get close enough to Bruce Springsteen to figure out why the heck people seem to like his music. Maybe the newspeople are so desperate for stories that they'd put me on camera if I told them I was voting for Ross Perot or something.

Nah. I don't think so. I'm just going to go home each night, watch some Discovery/Sci Fi Channel thing about sharks who experience paranormal phenomena while I eat my Manwich, and then go to bed early, before any of the A-list speeches even start.

Wake me when it's all over, will you? Thanks!