Salt Mines

As every sophisticated world traveler knows, the town of Hutchinson, KS, provides tourists with some unique and interesting venues for broadening one's horizons with educational exhibits and unique visitation opportunities. The city limits sign at the edge of town proudly proclaims Hutchinson as "The birthplace of Terry A. Heggy -- world-famous author and crusader against the twin evils of communism and rap music!", but the town also boasts the unlikely combination of the Underground Salt Museum and the Kansas Cosmosphere.

[Well, OK, I confess that I don't know the exact wording on the Hutch city limits sign; I haven't been there in years, if you must know the truth. But I'm sure it says something like that.

And by the way, can someone let me know if the meaning of the word "manufactures" has changed since the ad above was created? Or is this one of those "use an s to represent other letters" things, like the founding fathers did by using an "f" to represent an "s"? Or was it just that the good folks in the salt business have more important stuff to worry about than spelling? I don't know.]

I shall leave it to the scholars and philosophers to divine why a small town in central Kansas hosts one of the premier outer-space science museums in the world; there doesn't seem to be a logical connection for that one. But it's pretty obvious why they have an underground salt museum: There just happens to be a HUGE salt mine hidden beneath the fruited plains above.

And this brings us to the topic of today's blog. When I was growing up, I frequently heard the expression "Off to the salt mines" to indicate that one was beginning one's work day -- that is, embarking on the journey to one's place of employment. The phrase stuck in my head, and to this day I'll say "I'm off to the salt mines" whenever I feel the need to publicly announce my intentions to leave for work. And for some reason, the Monday after New Years seemed an especially appropriate day for that particular utterance.

The phrase seems to connote cruel, hard labor under unfavorable conditions: Sweaty, backbreaking work in the confined spaces of a harsh and smelly environment. It's dark, difficult to breathe, and the only break you get is the 15 minutes after the noon whistle when you gulp down a stale sandwich from your black lunchpail, quickly slurp lukewarm coffee from your battered gray thermos, and listen to your semi-literate buddy Leon talk about playing pool with one-tooth Gus over to Elmer's place on Friday night last.

So..."Off to the salt mines." It's an excellent phrase to use when driving 40 miles to Louisville to work on a proposal...which is exactly what I'm doing this week.

Anyway, hearing myself talk about salt mines made me wonder if this particular expression had come to me as an artifact of having lived in Kansas...or whether it was a phrase also used by people who lived in exotic, saltmine-free places like Ohio and Cuba. I do not know. Perhaps you can give me some feedback...

My other salt-related memory from youth was being puzzled by the motto tagline on Morton Salt containers. "When it rains, it pours." I just couldn't make the mental connection between a flavorful food additive and cloud-borne weather phenomena. Why should using salt cause massive rainfall? Was this particular grocery item the substance they used to "seed" clouds when more moisture was needed? And what's up with the goofy chick carrying an open container and salting the sidewalk? Is her inappropriate prancing and grinning supposed to be some sort of drug culture reference? These questions plagued me whenever it was my turn to refill the family's salt shakers.

My mom eventually told me that the slogan meant that this particular brand of table salt wouldn't clump up from humidity like other brands might, and hence would "pour" even if you lived in Seattle. I treated this revelation with some slight suspicion, since she was the same person who had also told me that hot water freezes faster, and that swimming after eating caused stomach cramps.

But Mom was right on this one -- a bit of research revealed that the Morton company added magnesium carbonate to their salt to keep it flowing. They have since updated to calcium silicate, but the point is that it's one more example of how applied chemical engineering can drastically improve the quality of a food product. So take that, you PETA morons!

Since there's no question that salt mined from the bowels of Kansas is the preferred type for any culinary use, I find myself curious to have recently seen so many items advertised as being coated with "Sea Salt". What's up with that? Not only is it happening to peanuts, but even Wendy's has jumped on the sea salt bandwagon. Their french fries are now adorned with a sea salt label...and they are delicious!

But why sea salt? Is there something about being extracted from among fish poop and kelp that makes the sodium chloride from the ocean somehow more desirable? Or is it just a ploy to make ignorant consumers think a product is somehow "new" and "improved"? Will this become a trend, I wonder? Will we soon see products advertising that their salt has been obtained by draining Utah puddles...or evaporating Ben Affleck's sweat? I sure hope not.

The bottom line is that I don't much care where my table seasonings originate...only that they enhance the taste of my meals. But if you are thinking about taking a vacation, I really think you should visit Hutchinson. If you go there, be sure to drop by my birthplace. And have a great day!