Apocalypse Snow

As you probably know, I gradjeyated from the University of Kansas with a degree in Journalism, back in the days when phones were all attached to walls and the definition of "religious conflict" was when the Baptists and Methodists held their bake sales on the same weekend.

But despite what it said on my sheepskin, I was never associated with The Fourth Estate in any way. In fact, it was during my studies in this moderately prestigious institution that I developed a grand distaste for journalism and its practitioners. Let me explain.

My interest was filmmaking. I wanted to be the next Frank Capra (or more likely, Moe Howard). At KU, the filmmaking curriculum was located within the J-School. Because of that, I was required to take a few reporting classes in addition to my "Road to Hollywood" classes.

So, I took those Journalism classes in the years immediately following the Watergate unpleasantness. The observation that left an indelible impression was that people who wanted to be reporters were quite simply sociopaths. They had no moral foundation, no regard for human dignity, and no respect for decency or or legitimate achievement. They idolized Woodward and Bernstein, not because those two discovered and exposed a cover-up...but because the story made reporters famous. None of them cared a whit for truth; they just wanted to find (or make up) scandals that would get big ratings.

Sadly, I have not seen positive changes in the "profession" during the intervening years. I am interested in what goes on in the world, but I cannot stomach watching the news.

Unfortunately, the news maroons still manage to inflict themselves on my eyeballs from time to time. As the last weekend approached, they would interrupt Superman (or whatever retro delight I was watching) every 10 minutes to remind me that Armageddon approacheth, in the form of (and I quote) "the biggest storm that Denver has seen in possibly decades!!!"

Yes, they used three exclamation points. They wanted to ensure panic, hoarding, and Return-of-the-Archons style riots in the streets. Then they could report on that.

They told us to expect this:



The collapse of civilization was predicted to begin at noon on Friday. The only significant snow finally began falling late on Saturday afternoon. Yes, we did get a bit of a storm...but this is the Mile-High City; we can deal with a foot of snow and a bit of ice without devolving to Thunderdome barbarity. Sigh.

Anyway, I apologize for the rant, but I just find the media to be tiresome and annoying, and rarely helpful. I wish everyone else would join me in turning off the news until their plummeting ratings convince them to change their approach. But I won't hold my breath.

I did end up traveling back from Louisville on Saturday evening. The hills along Wadsworth, combined with the slow traffic and abundance of stoplights convinced me that it was probably a good time to try out the tire chains I had purchased before the Breckenridge trip.

I had read the instructions and looked them over when I first got them -- so I thought I knew how to put them on. But when I unpacked them and laid them out in the snow next to the tire, I realized I needed a review.

The good news is that it's a pretty clever design. It only requires one simple hook attachment on the inside of the wheel, and two even easier attachments on the outside. The bad news is that it's still not all that easy to look a chain link over a hook when you're cold, wearing gloves, and can't see either end of the attaching pieces. Still, it only took a moment or two of fumbling to get the inner hook attached. The frontside hooks were pretty simple, too. The toughest part was stretching the rubber tightener to grasp each segment for a snug fit.

Well, no, actually...removing the chains today when the sun came out -- that was the hardest part. I had neglected to pay attention to where the non-visible inner hook was located in relation to identifiable features on the outside of the wheel. But a few moments reviewing the instructions showed me that I'd have to drive backward for about 8 inches to get the hook positioned for unlatching. Of course, the other wheel had a different position -- so I had to drive forward a foot to get that one to where I could reach it. And because I did this during my lunch break at the office, I didn't really want to kneel down in the melting muck to perform the operation. The operation was not particularly complicated, but it did have its challenges.

I am delighted to announce that the chains appear no worse for wear and will be much easier to install next time, now that I know the process. Well, assuming that the next storm comes soon enough that I still remember the process...

And that should happen. The talking heads on TV are already predicting the next unmitigated weather disaster for later this week.

OK, whatever. I have the chains, and they'll be ready to go. But I will also have my bike chain lubricated and my cycling shoes handy, just in case. I'm guessing it's just as likely to be sunny and pleasant.

Either way, I hope you were able to enjoy the beauty of the snow, even if you did have to crawl under your vehicle to attach traction devices. Whether we do it again soon or not, have a great day!