Newman, Coordinate

I have no idea if Ron Howard reads this blog. If so, then I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the "Dopie Opie" comments over the years.

In fact, I'd also like to apologize to Michael Bay, Cubby Brocolli, Steven Seagal, and any other Hollywood bigwigs I may have disrespected over the years. (No apologies to Sherwood Schwartz, though -- his crimes are unforgivable.)

You see, I'm probably gonna need help from one of those guys to get my next entrepreneurial idea off the ground. It's a good one, though, so I'm optimistic that today's post will result in lucrative contract offers from all the top producers. Due to my good looks and mad acting skillz, they'll probably want me to play a starship captain...but I'd be content just to pick up a few million as a script consultant.

The idea is simple: We'll just mix Star Trek ideas with successful plots from other shows. Let me share some examples.

• A large alien lizard overcomes amnesia to realize that he is actually a dangerous CIA spy. It's called "The Gorn Identity."


• A hunky lifeguard-type dude solves crimes with the help of his talking car. The only problem is that the car has developed self-preservation instincts and starts to kill people. It's called "Knight and Daystrom."


• Jack Lord stars as a hard-boiled cop who, along with his assistant (Sulu as Kono) uses mind-altering earwigs to track down bio-engineered outlaws in "Ceti-Alpha Five-0".


• A group of obese contestants combine diet and exercise to become healthier, while a trio of disembodied brains wagers on who will become "The Biggest Quatloser".


• The Autobots adopt Star Fleet regulations and try harder not to interfere with the development of human civilization in "The Optimus Prime Directive."


• Bela Oxmyx and Jojo Krako give up being gangsters when they realize that there's more profit and less danger in the restaurant business. Now the only heaters they use are inside the ovens, in "A Pizza the Action."


• Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn are floating down the Mississippi, only this time they're sharing their watercraft with an escapee from the Botany Bay. It's bad luck to be on "The Raft of Khan."


• And finally, the one most likely to get me hired (because it employs Ron Howard's brother and JJ Walker) is a story about a couple of funny-looking aliens who get their kicks by annoying passing starships. The show is called, of course, "Corb-O-MITE!"

OK, that's enough for today. If you know any Star Trek nerds or Hollywood producers who don't read this blog, feel free to try these ideas out on them. Any one of these shows has to be better than what the networks are currently doing, am I right?

Thanks for dropping by, and have a great day!