Kirk to Enterprise...

I've never been much of a telephone conversationalist.

Oh sure, as a youth, I spent hours and hours on the phone with my very first girlfriend, probably engaged in an endless loop of inane Beavis laughter as opposed to thoughtful conversation. But once that relationship flamed out, the appeal of cradling the receiver against my head diminished drastically.

And now that email has been invented, it is crystal clear that I prefer typing to talking. This may surprise some people -- because of my experience in public speaking and my reputation as an articulate, witty, and charismatic conversationalist. But those who are aware of my strong tendency toward introversion are likely to recognize why I prefer the keyboard over the mouthpiece.

For one thing, email simply shows up...and then waits patiently for an opening in your schedule. Phones tend to be demanding. What you say via email has the ability to be proofread, so there are far fewer foot-in-mouth incidents. (Well, assuming that I actually do re-read and think a little bit...which isn't necessarily a given.) Also, when you're typing an email, your coworkers might assume that you're actually working; the advantages are numerous.

But the main thing I find frustrating about telephones is that nobody uses landlines anymore. That means that the pace of conversation is radically different than it used to be. Cell phones require a rhythm that acknowledges the lag time inherent in the process. Attentive and courteous cell phonists understand that you need to pause a beat after each statement to allow for responses.

Unfortunately, most people still haven't accepted and adopted this syncopated style. I try, but it seems that every conversation requires multiple restarts when the participants step on each other's statements. Seriously, have you had a conversation in the last year that did NOT have at least one "Sorry...didn't get that" moment in it?

Face to face, you can both talk at the same time without loss of understanding. In the ancient past (ie, the days of landlines), you could do the same thing. But with mobiles, it can't be done. My question is...why not?

I am not a physicist, but I think I understand some of the basics of electromagnetic wave propagation. Radio waves travel through the air at the speed of light, which is the exact same speed that electric impulses travel through wires. Both landline and mobile phone calls have to pass through some number of switching and routing relays, so you would think the time spent doing that would also be equal with both technologies. And while phone companies do probably share the "we don't really care about service quality" attitude possessed by the cable companies and taco restaurants, it would seem to me that their engineers would still be trying to remove echoes, delays, and "I'm inside an oil drum" distortions from their services. They've been at it a long time, but it's still pitifully simple to tell when you're wireless.

I have no idea what technological advancement will move us into truly instant and reliable sub-space communication, but I'm sure it's coming at some point. And I'm certain there are young Daystroms and Cochranes out there working on it as we speak. (And probably young Uhuras preparing to master the technology when it is available.) For now, though, I will simply avoid telephones as much as I can, and will urge those who can't resist the darn things to learn to take a breath after speaking, so the dude on the other end knows it's his turn to talk.

Enough for today. Tomorrow's tasks include getting my mountain bike all tuned up and ready to ride. I'll be sure to let you know how that goes. Otherwise, there will be runnin', swimmin', and eatin'. Should be a great weekend...I hope you have one, too!