Autumn

Kirstie Alley and I swam on the same team.

Not at the same time, unfortunately; she had left the Wichita Swim Club before I joined. But I swam with Beth Alley and Mike Alley, who were probably related in some way to the future Vulcan hottie. Therefore, I am fully justified in claiming a close personal connection with all things Star Trek. Right?

If that's not enough, I can show you my two Leonard Nimoy record albums, my William Shatner CD, and my souvenir phial of quadrotritacale.

OK, I don't actually own any quadrotritacale. But I have spent many an hour listening to Nimoy's silver-throated crooning. His singing makes Perry Como sound like Bobcat Goldthwait.

Or not. Anyway, the point is that my good friend Kirstie figures in the answer to the first of our quiz questions.

1. Kobayashi Maru
     A. An exotic food of unimaginable deliciousness.
     B. A secret Ninja method of extracting information.
     C. An unwinnable situation.
     D. A person whose brains are addled from addiction to video games.

C. The Kobayahi Maru was a fictional ship, created for a practical exam in Star Fleet Academy's command training program. It was designed to measure character under pressure, as the scenario was designed so that the student being tested would fail no matter which choices they made. Therefore, the name has become synonymous with a no-win situation. No matter what you decide, your ship gets blown up.

(Unless you're Captain Kirk, of course. He's the only one to ever beat the test. Ya gotta love this guy!)

2. Soylent Green
     A. A proof of the usefulness and value of the elderly.
     B. A color that can only be seen by extra-terrestrials.
     C. An embarrasing lack of sphincter control.
     D. A peaceful meadow where epiphanies are common.

A. There were actually many different colors of Soylent products. The "Green" variety was a public favorite...until Charlton Heston figured out that it was made from ground-up senior citizens. In the movie, this concept was repudiated by the citizenry and riots ensued. In real life, the idea has been incorporated into the Obamacare bill, scheduled to go into effect in 2015.

3. Klaatu Barada Nicto
     A. A secret meeting place for nightowls, or possibly vampires.
     B. Music enjoyed only by tone-deaf cannibals (eg, Tom Petty or U2)
     C. Klingon phrase meaning "¿Donde está el baño?"
     E. Code to keep omnipotent robot from destroying the Earth

E. (Why not "D"? I dunno. Must've been a typo. Sorry aboot that.) In "The Day the Earth Stood Still" (the good version, not the Keanu Reeves remake), the ultra-cool robot "Gort" is programmed to destroy the planet if his pal Klaatu gets killed. Well, since it's a well-known fact that all military personnel are trained to shoot any alien on sight, ol' Klaatu does indeed end up eating lead. Fortunately for terrestrials everywhere, the smoker-voiced chick Klaatu hooked up with was able to relay this critical code phrase to Gort before he cut loose with his unstoppable robotic destructivity, and everybody lived happily ever after. Well, except for all the world governments...who had to actually start being nice to each other, to keep the alien Justice League from giving us a terminal whupping.

(FYI: The phrase mentioned in answer C is actually "nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'." You're welcome.)

4. JarJar Binks
     A. An embarrasingly revealing swimming suit.
     B. The ultimate destructive force in the Universe.
     C. Gilligan
     D. An especially long episode of Tourette's Syndrome.

C. I suppose the case could be made for both "B" and "D", but the correct answer is "the character whose immediate elimination would save all the other characters, and enable them to achieve their objectives much more easily." See also "Lois Lane", "Lucille Ball", "Scooby Doo", and "Any of Samantha Stevens' relatives (including Durwood)".

Next up: The dropping temperatures, and their effect on training plans. Stay tuned, and have a great day!