The Western Civ Solution

I intended to be a Math major. In high school, I absolutely loved algebra, geometry, and trig. I had some fabulous teachers who made it fun to learn and to play with mathematical concepts and problem solving. I had visions of becoming a scientist or engineer or theoretician, flexing my mathematical muscles to earn the world's respect as I earned a six-figure income.

Alas, I ran afoul of some bad faculty at KU. My freshman-year calculus teachers not only sucked the fun out of math, but just plain sucked. They took my previously favorite subject and rendered it incomprehensible. (I know what you're thinking -- perhaps I had hit the Peter Principle wall. This is not the case, though, and I can produce witnesses to testify on my behalf. These were crappy, crappy teachers. No one learned anything.)

[Until I began writing this post, I hadn't really thought about it...but in retrospect, I'd say that in general my high school teachers were of MUCH higher quality than my liberal arts college instructors. Seems backwards -- you'd expect the "higher ed" (and higher paid) faculty to be more highly skilled at their chosen profession, but with the exception of a few of my Radio/TV/Film instructors, most of my perfessers didn't exactly impart the wisdom and insight I was expecting to receive. Perhaps I'll have to explore that discussion in further detail in a future blog. I'd be interesting in hearing your comments: Are college teachers generally worse than high school teachers...or did I just fall into some unlucky educational abyss?]

[And don't get me started on my Physics II professor, Dr. J. Enoch. When the highest grade on the final exam is in the low 40s (out of 100), it's pretty obvious that the teacher failed to communicate the concepts with any effectiveness. And that was the class where I met Akpan, the stinkiest human being who ever walked the face of the earth. This guy's personal body stench made the 21st Street slaughterhouse seem like a bouquet of roses. But I digress...]

Anyway, the college class that relates to today's topic was called "Western Civilization", and was required for all freshman liberal arts students. The idea was simple: Read an entire book each week, and then discuss it in class to prepare you to write an essay about it during the dreaded Comprehensive Exam that came at the end of the semester. The books required were the primary works of history's greatest non-Asian philosophers, such as Plato, Socrates, Descartes, Nietzsche, and Marx.

Geez. These guys may have been deep thinkers, but as writers, they stunk like Akpan. For the first few weeks of class, I struggled to slog my way through the books, but just couldn't generate the energy to maintain interest in their convoluted and boring philosophizing. Blah blah blah -- they all just rambled on in interminable tedium; there was nothing at all about renegade robots, invading space aliens, or even flying monkeys. I think I might have finished the first assignment...but read a smaller and smaller percentage of the required pages each week. By the fifth week of the semester, I wasn't even opening the book. There were just too many good movies on TV for me to waste my time wading through lame ideas from stupid foreign dead guys.

But I knew that I couldn't graduate without passing this class. The stress was killing me -- Try as I might, I couldn't force myself to read any more of this garbage...but without reading it, I was completely unprepared to face the teacher's questions in the following class.

Then I had an epiphany. The logic unfolded as follows:

• Given: I am categorically unable to complete my weekly Western Civ assignments. No matter how hard I try, or how much I want to, I just can't make myself read an entire crappy book within the allotted time.


• Given: Worrying about being unprepared for class is causing unbearable stress.


• Therefore: Since nothing can change the fact that I'm unprepared, and worry is causing the stress, the solution is to stop worrying.

Once I embraced this epiphany, I was able to attend class without stress. If the teacher asked me a question, I would cheerfully answer with either a straightforward "I don't know," or an equally cheerful BS response, such as "Oh, I agree with Bob. The author was clearly saying that life presents challenges that require deep thought." Ba dump bum!

The surprising thing was that my grades didn't suffer all that much. I ended up with a "B" on my report card. Of course, I had to dis-enroll from the Liberal Arts College before it was time to take the Comprehensive Exam...which is how I ended up in the School of Journalism. But that's a topic for another time.

The point of today's historical interlude is that I've recently been suffering from a similar stress regarding my current workload. My new job is more demanding than I was expecting, and my duties with the American Patriots History Association are piling up. And with my recent diagnosis of Orson Wellesian cholesterol levels, I really need to pay more attention to my nutrition and exercise. Ergo, I have found myself freaking out a bit over the unrestrained expansion of my to-do list. But what's the point of learning life's lessons if you fail to implement them when the opportunity arises, eh? I've realized that instead of stressing about my workload, I should just approach each day with Western Civ resigned contentment. Hey, my task queue may be gigantic, but I know that I'll get everything done, eventually -- and worrying about things that there simply isn't time for...well, that's not productive for anyone but the cardiologists. Therefore, I'm going to smile, relax, and take care of myself along the way. I'll work hard and I'll be productive, but I'll also be cool about it.

That's the plan, anyway. If you notice me acting frenzied, like I've gone all Type-A or anything, just remind me that we're all just dust in the wind, dude. And have a great day!