Knees

I'm tempted to begin this blog by waxing rhapsodic about the marvelous machine that is the human body; the feet that routinely handle thousands of steps per day, the joints that allow and support such diversity of movement, and the heart that provides all the components with the energy to keep on tickin'. From baseball to breakdancing -- from calligraphy to kung fu...the human body is capable of astounding feats of power, grace, and artistry.

I won't wax, though...rhapsodic or otherwise. (I'm not even sure what that phrase means, unless of course you're talking about Ralph Machio making Mr. Miyagi's car shine like Telly Savalas's head.) But I do think it might be worth a moment or two of quiet reflection about some of the amazing things we've all seen humans do. Here's a short list of some of the most memorable:

• Jason Lezak in the Free Relay in the Beijing Olympics


• Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon


• Kurt the Henchman in Dr. Thunderfinger is Forever


• Arthur Fonzarelli


• Chuck Norris

So yeah, it's obvious that the human body is a wonderful and amazing machine.

Except for mine, that is. When I walk down the street, I feel like I'm doing the John Travolta BeeGee strut, but impartial observers treat me as if I'm The Mummy dragging my bandaged and decomposing corpse down the street. I get comments like: "Dude, are you OK?" "Good lord, what did you do?", etc. One time, Franklin D. Azar even handed me a business card and said "Whoever did this to you, we'll make them pay!"

Sigh. Some people have theorized that participating in the sport of running is the cause of my irregular gait, the pain in my knees, and the sporadic gasps and curses that pass my lips as I attempt to ambulate from point A to point B. They say that if I just stuck to healthy sports like (swimming, skydiving, and alligator wrestling, etc), I'd be happier, stronger, and more likely to be able to stroll the mall without frightening small children and ruining peoples' appetites.

Hmm. This could be true. Maybe. But I rather doubt it.

Everybody's different, but I'm pretty sure all my knee problems are simply caused by working too much. You see, I'm a regular Donald O'Connor when I run frequently enough, but am in pain when I spend too much time at the office. Sitting at a desk all day long -- that's the problem.

So what's the solution? Well, I'm sure there are people within my workgroup who think that the right answer is to put me on the layoff list. If I had no job, I'd have plenty of time to train, and would therefore have healthy legs. They have a point. But without a job, I'd also be without the ability to pay for the essentials of life: food, Dr. Pepper, high-speed internet, running shoes, etc. (Note to self for future quality-of-life blog topic: "Is life without ice cream really worth living?")

Option number 2 would be to discipline myself to make sure I move more frequently, regardless of office workload. That's probably reasonable. As much as I'd love to have 7 days a week of total freedom, I'm quite sure I'd miss the perks of a paycheck. So, as long as I'm still in pre-retirement mode, I should commit to standing up and walking around frequently throughout the day.

Unless I'm working on a proposal, that is. Then I'll just stay at the desk all day, skip blogging, socialization, and exercise...and then complain about it to anyone who'll listen. Then, when I'm doing the Karloff shuffle down the road, I can truthfully answer onlookers' concerned queries by saying, "Why yes, as a matter of fact I did get hit by a bus, and then attacked by rabid pygmies. Thank you for asking!"

But as long as I'm engaged in normal work, I shall keep a photo of Chuck Norris on my desk, and strive to move around enough to keep all my joints lubricated and all the muscles loose. If I forget, please remind me, OK? Thanks, and have a great day!