Pineapple

I'm trying to eat more healthy stuff, and am cutting back on foods containing ingredients such as trans fat, high-fructose corn syrup, monosodium glutamate, and M&Ms. I'm doing OK with increasing the dosages of healthy stuff, but struggling with the reduction of the stuff that tastes good. In other words, I think I'm eating too much.

It's a process. I'll get better at it. It's just that I swear sometimes those cinnamon bears and gummi worms are calling out to me. "Terry!", they say, "you haven't really finished your dinner until you've ingested some sweet, squishy, pseudo lifeforms! You purchased us -- it's your duty to consume us!"

Hmm. Perhaps my problem is not my lack of discipline at all, but is actually the result of some sort of telepathic conspiracy by aliens using inanimate animal-shaped sugar minions to fatten us up before their invasion. Perhaps the answer isn't will power at all, but is instead about finding a way to resist their insidious mental impulses. First, I'll learn to shield myself from their mind control, and then when I'm thin and fit, will make a fortune by publishing a book on "The Tinfoil Hat Diet". Oh yeah!

Anyway, I'm eating more produce these days. When you shop for fruits and veggies, you learn to look for what's in season, and what's on sale. Of course, the store tries to confuse you by offering one pile of apples for $1.59/pound, and another pile of the same variety at 3 for $2. Which is a better deal? You have to weigh them and do some calculations to find out. (And yes, I do owe apologies to all the teachers to whom I swore that I would never do math as a grownup. But not, you, Mr. Ruth -- I still haven't used "Algebra II" for anything. So there!)

But when pineapples go on sale for a buck each, you figure that it has to be a good deal; after all, those suckers must weigh about 5 pounds apiece. And fresh pineapple is delicious! What you don't think about until you get home is the fact that they're covered with dangerous-looking woody spikes, and you have no idea how you're supposed to cut the darn thing.

There are four thoughts that always pop into my head whenever the subject of pineapple comes up:

1. I once had a coworker who was allergic to pineapple. I guess this isn't uncommon, but it strikes me that there are so many other things for which an allergy would make more sense. Like cottage cheese, for example, or anchovies. Or brussels sprouts or liver or Carrot Top.
   
   
2. Magnum, PI. I don't know exactly why I associate Magnum so strongly with pineapples -- after all, he spent a lot more time with Higgie Baby than he did out among the crops. But I guess it's natural to think of tropical foods and Hawaii and TV detectives at the same time, although if all you mention is the name of the state...I'd probably go with McGarrett. And that makes me think of Wo Fat, which rhymes with "low fat", which brings me back to the topic of a healthy diet, which is why we're talking about pineapples in the first place.
   
   
3. Aquatics Camp. When I was training for my Scout Lifeguard test, the instructors taught us how to make a "pineapple" from rope. The idea was to systematically wrap the rope up into a ball that would unravel when thrown. Having the rope in a sphere allowed you to throw it a long ways, and having it unravel meant that you could hang onto one end of it as the other end flew to its target. It was a great rescure technique—you'd grab the free end of the rope, throw your pineapple at the victim, and it would unravel into one long strand that would drop into the water where the victim could grab it. Then you'd just reel 'em in. It was a cool thing to learn, and I bet I could still do it.
   
   
4. Bob Dole. As I'm sure you know, the former Presidential candidate was from Russell, Kansas. I met his kid Tom in the Boy Scouts, which caused me to follow Bob's political career with some interest. Senator Dole is a very funny guy, with a razor-sharp wit and the ability to use humor to devastating advantage in arguments. But during the Presidential race, his advisors told him to keep his jabs and jests to himself, and to be more serious. I never understood that, and I'm guessing that he still wishes to this day that he'd fired those particular advisors; he probably would've won if he hadn't listened to them. Anyway, the Dole company (no relation) sells a lot of canned pineapple, and that makes me think of Bob. See?

Anyway, it turned out that cutting up this fruit was not too tough after all. (Wait a minute! Is it a fruit? Or a vegetable? It's taste and texture certainly seems closer to grapefruit than to lima beans, but it grows underground, which makes it more like a potato. Er...potatoe—sorry Dan! I'm not sure it matters, since the tomato (tomatoe?) is the subject of a similar debate and no one cares.) I'm not sure if I followed the Julia Child Approved method, but I basically just carved off anything that looked like bark, and left anything that appeared to be, well...pineapple. (I understand that Michelangelo did the same thing with the Pietà.) It seemed to work out just fine.

(No, I'm not comparing myself to Michelangelo. It's no contest. I'll admit that he was probably somewhat more artistic than I am, but I guarantee you I could totally clean his clock in a 1650 freestyle. In your face, Mike!)

The bottom line is that I now have a refrigerator full of cut-up pineapple, regular apples, and carrots. It'll be very easy to eat healthy from now on...

...as long as the cinnamon bears keep quiet.

May you also enjoy good health and fine dining! Have a great day!