The Life of a Professional Editor

I spent part of the workday on Monday changing lower case letters into capital letters; you know, changing "sentence case" phrases into "Title Case". This is a good portion of what I do at this office. Not necessarily the best use of my skill set, but they pay me well for it, so I'm not complaining. Still, it would be nice if one of these days they'd ask me to write some haiku, or possibly a limerick.

Keen eyes scan the document
Capitalize words
Be sure to run the spell check

or

At my office, I don't get much credit
For possessing the talent to edit.
But my wages will rise
If I capitalize...
But for being creative? Forget it.

OK, I'll admit that those aren't any good. I'm afraid I just don't get much literary inspiration from work-related topics. Perhaps from politics?

We've selected McCain and Obama
To vote for; there's sure to be drama.
But while one of these guys
Wins the ultimate prize,
The other runs home to his mama.

See? See what hours of correcting capitalization does to one's creativity? It's all gone! I used to be able to write poetry of such depth and beauty that it would inspire the meanest people to hug strangers and feed stray kitty cats... but now I've become incapable of anything but the lamest writing this side of Bob Saget. Ugh!

Workplace tedium
Crushes creativity
I must win Lotto

Aw, quit yer whinin', Terry! Everybody has dull and tedious workdays now and then. (Well, except for Alex Trebek, that is.) I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that my talent, intellect, and charm (cough) are not being used to the fullest by my employer. I'm sure that practically everyone has days where they feel like their unique abilities are squandered while they're performing tasks that practically any trained monkey could do.

So, what talents do you have that rarely get put to good use? Are you really good at something that no one has a need for?

Hmm. That makes me think that Mr. Trebek probably does have his bad days...when they have the "Celebrity Jeopardy" specials. The contestants may be gorgeous supermodels and/or chamelonesque thespians...but when the answer is "Obama and McCain", they're likely to respond with "What is Tabasco sauce?" or "Who invented Silly Putty?"

Anyway, here is a partial list of things I do well, that I would love to get paid for:

1. The Tazmanian Hula (aka "reverse sculling"). This is a swimming stroke where you lie on your back and propel yourself in the direction of your feet, using figure-8 motions with your hands. I have no idea why I am good at this, but it seems to come naturally to me. Too bad it's not useful for anything...


2. Squirting water from cupped hands. We used to practice this skill all the time between workout sets at WSC. At one time, I could hit six consecutive pennants on the backstroke flags within 2.5 seconds. Getting hit with this spray would sting you from 10 yards away, and put your eye out at 5. The skill is moderately more useful than the Taz, but I'm not really sure how to market it.


3. "Popping" my elbow. This is where you snap your arm in a downward motion to create a rather sickening popping noise. To someone who's not familiar with the technique, it appears that you are self-chiropracting your elbow bones. (In reality, the noise is made by the bicep slapping against the latisimus dorsi, and it doesn't hurt at all. But it looks and sounds pretty gnarly.)


4. A knack for useless trivia. I know, for instance, that Clint Eastwood was a lifeguard before he became a movie star. (I think they even named a gulch after him because of this. Right outside Hill Valley.) I know that Harry Connick, Jr. is named after his father, and that Steve Ihnat played Lord Garth on Star Trek. I also know that David Gerrold wrote "The Trouble with Tribbles", and that "self-chiropracting" isn't really a word.

If you know anyone who is hiring these particular skills, please let me know. In the meantime, I guess I'll exercise my pinkie fingers so I can press the [Shift] key with authority.

Have a great day!

PS. In case you were wondering, Tabasco Sauce is a product of McIlhenny & Co. And Silly Putty was invented by a fellow named Al Gore.

You're welcome.